I was diagnosed with Paranoid Personality Disorder (PPD) several years ago after knowing for a while that I probably had it. My symptoms are fairly typical for PPD- doubting the motives, loyalty and trustworthiness of other people, believing that others are manipulating or deceiving me, being convinced people will use information against me, perceiving innocent things as threatening, angering easily, being constantly suspicious and becoming jealous easily. It’s about as fun as it sounds.
Because my symptoms wreak havoc on my ability to live a normal life and conduct relationships, I tend to keep myself to myself. I spend a lot of time tortured by my own thoughts- the paranoia brings out the worst in me and I can become obsessive, angry and jealous as a reaction to my maladaptive thought processes.
My PPD is what most people would class as quite extreme and it can be debilitating. That said, I’m not violent, but I’m sure my behaviour at times has come across as manipulative or abusive when I’ve got myself so upset that logic goes out of the window. Generally though, over the years I’ve learned to keep my paranoid thoughts to myself even though it’s really hard to keep them hidden.
The paranoia causes me to act irrationally and emotionally, and I have been known to be verbally aggressive in the past when I feel threatened. I’ve been in trouble with the police several times because of it, but the police took zero notice of my mental illness when dealing with me. I deserved my punishment and my PD shouldn't be a 'get out of jail free' card, but I felt that they didn't consider how my disorder might have influenced my thought processes leading up to the incident. I wasn't given any support to help me avoid ending up in a similar predicament in future, although I asked for it.
Like for a lot of people who I’ve spoken to about having PPD, professionals often don’t treat it as if it’s a real disorder. It’s so much more than just your mind playing tricks on you. Your reality is totally different to everyone around you and the constant suspicion and need to be on alert for perceived threats causes massive amounts of distress and anxiety.
Although I’ve always had a degree of paranoia, over the years it’s escalated to becoming unmanageable. This is partly my own fault for not seeking help sooner and realising how problematic it was making my life, however treatment has not been easy to come by.
Initially I was told I had BPD, which felt like it was the wrong diagnosis for me personally as I fit very few of the criteria, but it took a long time for medical professionals to accept it was incorrect despite me asking for alternative opinions.
Paranoia is my only prominent symptom, and the issues associated with it such as anger and extreme reactions come from the paranoia itself. Yet professionals talked about how it could also be ASPD or schizophrenia. I felt like they were trying to put me in a box but weren’t seeing the bigger picture.
I understand that PPD is quite rare and maybe that’s why medical professionals find it so hard to pick up on, but getting a diagnosis took well over a year, at which point my symptoms were worsening consistently. I was in denial about my paranoia for years before I sought help- which I only did because of my family- because I didn’t think I had a problem and refused to accept that it wasn’t everyone else that was the issue.
There seems to be a real lack of understanding on how to treat PPD and even after diagnosis it was very difficult to find a therapist who understood how debilitating it is and had effective strategies for dealing with it. Medication has helped control the symptoms but not eradicate them.
The hardest thing for me is relationships. I’ve not been too successful in romantic relationships because the PPD ruins things. It’s tiring to mask so much and it’s very tough to hide paranoia because it’s so consuming.
I have extreme paranoia around cheating and fidelity in relationships. In the past, this paranoia has led me to behave in ways that got me branded the ‘crazy ex’. I’m not proud to admit that in the past I’ve gone through partners’ phones, laptops, social media and search history looking for evidence of infidelity.
I know invading someone’s privacy is wrong, but the paranoia of being cheated on can be so bad at times it makes me physically sick. The relief I get from checking up on my partner gives me some respite from that fear. It never lasts long though. It's such a distorted, destructive mindset and I'd do anything to be rid of it.
My most recent relationship ended due to the paranoia. Not long after we had a conversation about being together officially, the paranoia started to set in. I’m embarrassed to say that I fell into the trap of assuming that because we had locked it down, it now meant I saw everyone as a threat to my relationship and it sent me into panic mode.
The rational part of my brain knows this is ridiculous, but you can’t reason with or override paranoia. Lord knows I've tried though. The fear of infidelity consumed me. The old saying ‘seek and ye shall find’ definitely rang true, as I overanalysed every interaction for signs of potential cheating.
I saw what I was doing as protecting my own sanity. I felt like if I found out my fears were true, I would be suicidal. So I got stuck in this loop of getting an intrusive, paranoid thought that completely took over my mind, having to reassure myself it wasn’t true (or satisfy myself that the paranoid thought was justified) and then calming down and enjoying my relationship until the thoughts started up again, or, if I found evidence for my fears, finding enough ‘proof’ to justify my suspicions. I essentially spent most of my waking hours trying to catch my partner out.
After a few months we broke up. I couldn’t cope with the level of paranoia the relationship had brought into my life and I felt totally overwhelmed by anxiety, so I told them a half truth, that I was struggling with trust issues. It didn't feel right or fair on my partner to continue.
I alluded to fears around cheating but they had no idea how bad it was. It genuinely wasn't their fault at all, it was entirely me. Realistically, I realise that if someone is going to cheat, they will cheat, regardless of how paranoid I may be, so I might as well relax as I can't do anything to prevent it if it's going to happen.
For some reason I can’t get my brain to accept this, despite it being perfectly logical, and the thoughts lodge in there and whir away 24/7 to the point they dominate everything and it’s all you think about. If I thought I’d found evidence of cheating, it would affect me physically and manifest as stomach upsets and migraines from crying. It’s totally unsustainable because of the toll it takes on my mental and physical health.
The irony was that I was paranoid about my partner because of my intense fear that I was being lied to, but I never told them about my PPD diagnosis. I don’t know if they actually were cheating. I saw things, but with hindsight I don’t know whether they were innocent, even though at the time I felt convinced I’d found evidence of something going on.
I never accused them or told them what I found. I was preoccupied with compiling ‘enough’ evidence to reinforce my paranoid beliefs. I know many people with PPD lash out or make accusations constantly, but that’s not something I do. I internalise all of the stress, panic and anxiety, so things often build up until I have a huge emotional outburst or I end the relationship.
I have never disclosed to a partner about my PPD, ever. There are so many stereotypes about ‘bunny boilers’ and ‘crazy exes’ that I dare not admit to suffering with PPD. Nobody wants to feel they are in a relationship with someone who invades their privacy and doesn’t trust them.
Although my PPD is technically being treated, I still find it so difficult to manage. It’s ruined my ability to have healthy relationships, even though I’d like to be in a romantic relationship, and I don’t know if or when it will get better. The paranoia is like a parasite that you can never be rid of.
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