I knew when I was 12 that I was different. I had horrific social anxiety. I was either wildly happy or I felt the world was going to end and I struggled with making friends and interacting with people, to the point one of my best friends dumped me because I was too intense. I couldn't switch off my paranoia. I imagined everyone was staring and whispering, I was a hateful person, I deserved to die and I was also permanently depressed and anxious.
My symptoms have negatively impacted every aspect of my life. I now work from home because I can't cope with average day to day office culture, I have loud meltdowns in open plan offices that are inconvenient for management and disruptive. Thank God for Occupational Health assessments.
I graduated with a degree in Communication Studies in 1997 and it was expected I would have a successful career in journalism, but my mental health issues were so out of control with drinking and an eating disorder it was impossible to fully get myself out there. As for relationships, I have seen red flags and thought I was going to the fairground because I was so desperate to be loved and for someone to just make all the pain stop. My marriage was abusive.
I was diagnosed after making an appointment with my GP in my late 30s and telling the doctor if he didn't do something to help me, I was going to blow my head off with my Dad's shotgun. I'm a farm girl and most of us are taught how to use and respect weapons, so it wasn't an idle threat.
I had an appointment with an amazing psychiatrist three weeks later who told me she was going to take me seriously. I was diagnosed with BPD after a few nerve-wracking appointments and every aspect of my life was picked over in minute detail. I was terrified due to perceived stigma over being referred to psychiatric services, but also relieved because what was wrong with me finally had a name. I had been misdiagnosed with depression in 1998 and I always knew it was more complex than that.
I've had to be open about BPD from the start. My family and ex-husband initially refused to discuss my diagnosis and psychiatric appointments with me, and that made me angry. The shame wasn't mine, so I refused to stop talking about it.
Coincidentally around the time I was diagnosed I became a disability advocate with my former workplace and I was happy to share my experiences to break down barriers and to support colleagues. Some managers were sadly unkind. That's a reflection on them and not on me. You can't improve decades of poor brain chemistry and mental health just like that. It all takes time.
Researching the condition as much as possible and understanding how it manifests in you as an individual is a must. It's the instruction manual for your mind, so read up on it. When you understand it and yourself, tell trusted friends and family what your triggers
are so they can help you help yourself. If you are employed ask for an Occupational Health referral if it’s available, so any workplace adjustments can be made for you.
I wish people would ignore the harmful media stereotypes of the people living with it being violent and crazy. We're often a danger to ourselves and absolutely not others. We're creative and imaginative. We're great problem solvers because we overthink so much. If you have one of us as a friend, we're the most loyal and loving friends ever because when we love, we love unreservedly. We just need a little more time and patience due to our spicy minds.
If you support someone with BPD, go to reputable mental health websites and do your research. Don't assume what we need- ask and listen. Be consistent with us, discuss our coping strategies and please understand that our brains are structured differently, so we can't process life in a normal way.