“I thought the whole world was out to get me.”

I am diagnosed with GAD and ADHD. It was probably at its worst when I started university. I struggled with feelings of depression as well as flashbacks. I used to become so anxious I would have panic attacks, I would undergo spells of derealisation/depersonalization and I’d feel like I couldn’t breathe- like I was struck in one place and I couldn’t move, like I couldn’t talk and the world just kept moving around me. Sometimes I couldn’t get out of bed- I had what my psych teacher called ‘bed gravity’.

I was constantly afraid of letting people down, letting myself down, feeling as if I was never enough. I had to keep pushing harder. I didn’t even realize I had trauma I needed to work through. I struggled to focus in school, I didn’t understand why I felt like I had to work 10 times harder to achieve the same results as other students. Sitting in large groups, I thought other people could hear my thoughts, as if they knew my weaknesses and hated me too.

To keep myself mentally in check, I would run and keep running through the pain and tell myself that if I stopped I was weak, if I keep running I can concur anything. I would take cold showers and tell myself if I could endure this, I could overcome my depression, anxiety, trauma, thoughts, loneliness, myself.

I would cut myself sometimes because physical pain felt more bearable than the emotions. Sometimes I would start to feel apathy so I cut to remember the pain. Sometimes I cut myself because I hated myself and I felt like I deserved to feel pain.

After my first breakup, I began to starve myself because I hated myself so much I felt like I didn’t deserve to eat. But I also felt so physically unwell with a stomachache that I felt like I couldn’t eat.

My anxiety was worse at university. I thought the whole world was out to get me. I was afraid of the police. I would take everything out on the people who loved me or tried to get close to me, I made them feel like it was their fault. I felt like no one would ever understand me.

ADHD wise, I still struggle with it every day. It’s really hard to learn with ADHD. It’s a constant need to procrastinate. I do best under pressure. I thrive in moments of crisis/emergency situations- which is why I think I’m good at what I do. I forget appointments, I lose my keys, I have trouble holding a conversation sometimes. I’ll just forget what the other person is telling me.

I forget the tasks I need to do, I constantly need a list, I have a lot of trouble with prioritizing. Everything feels important, I switch from one task to the next instead of staying focused on one. My memory is not very good. I have a calendar for everything. I need to triple check everything and sometimes I still end up with mixed dates. I like planning, but have trouble following the plan, then I feel like a failure.

I have come a long way, from being too anxious, depressed and traumatized to have friends to bringing back a social person living with challenges. My ADHD is really difficult for me to deal with lately. I’m always tired. I’m thinking about going back on meds. I used to be medicated. But now I am not.

Now I work in mental health and I get challenged every day, faced with individuals who scream at me, call me names, and often do not appreciate me. But I get to see their growth and it’s nice when they recognise and appreciate the help I give them.

I studied a bachelor of psychology and neuroscience. I did a year of nursing but then changed direction. I worked as a Personal Support Worker and a Caretaker in various work settings; hospital, homecare, group homes, freelance. Now, I work as a Youth Counsellor in a residential treatment facility for individuals with severe mental health issues and trauma (for teens).

The most rewarding aspect of my work is supporting individuals who have a tough time and helping them get to the other side to be able to talk about their successes, like I can. Also, I was exposed to mental illness by people who were close to me growing up and I always tried to help them, I think that is sort of where it started.

I try to give myself positive affirmations and check-in on how I am feeling multiple times a day especially at work, and make sure to communicate those feelings with my shift partners. But I often feel like I am weak lately, like I can’t take the heat and am beginning to feel signs of burnout and compassion fatigue, such as feeling an increased sense of irritability, being on high alert, increased sadness and anger, feeling emotionally distant/disconnected and an increased inability to make decisions, having trouble eating, experiencing a heightened state of being overwhelmed, feeling helpless in face of a client and feeling like I’m dying.

Physically, my chest feels hot, and I might find myself resorting to alcohol and cigarettes, deflecting my basic needs/self-care and experiencing exhaustion. Because of my mental illnesses, I am at a greater risk for compassion fatigue. And since I have been working a lot of overtime, that also puts me in a higher risk category.

I have only told work that I have ADHD. They felt like they could relate to me better. But then that backfired and they used it against me. So I have refrained from expressing any other diagnosis with them.

I’d say my diagnoses have definitely made my romantic relationships more difficult, as well as relationships with my family. And I would take things out in a negative way on them, being verbally aggressive. I have trouble committing and so I self-sabotage a lot because if feels easier than dealing with the negative emotions. But it only makes it harder in the long-term.

I also often have trouble remaining focused driving. I used to get in a lot of car accidents. Now I get a lot of speeding and parking tickets.

I wish people understood that everyone is different. No two diagnoses are the exact same, and you can be success with mental illnesses. Your disorder does not define you. You can overcome your struggles, obstacles and demons. Pain evolves. Nothing lasts forever. Suicide does not solve the problem. This was often an idea I struggled with, and often toyed with. But suicide does not make you a coward, either.

I also wish people knew that I don’t need fidget toys just because I’m neurodivergent.