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Sorry My Mental Illness Isn’t Sexy Enough For You
“I could go from being excited, really outgoing and animated with rapid speech, to magical or deluded thinking.”
I first began to notice symptoms of what I now know to be bipolar disorder at the age of around 13. The main one was extremes of mood- my moods seemed to be much more extreme than what the people around me experienced, and that went for both ends of the spectrum. I could go…
“It’s been a tough, constant cycle of self loathing and contempt I have for myself.”
Looking back to when my BPD symptoms first started, I can recall always feeling like an outsider at school. But back then I didn’t really understand mental health. I think around my teenage years, I personally started questioning myself. If I was a terrible son, if I couldn’t really make friends because I didn’t fit…
“For the first time, I felt seen not just by someone else, but by myself.”
I wasn’t the first person to notice something wasn’t right. My ex-wife was. And I resisted it… vehemently. Which is ironic, because I was basically raised with psychology. My mom was a psych nurse for over four decades. I was diagnosed with ADHD at four and enrolled in a UCLA study on Ritalin. I had…
“Depression isn’t always not being able to get out of bed, hypomania isn’t always being extremely happy.”
I was 15 years old when I first dealt with suicidal thoughts. I was diagnosed with PTSD, depression and anxiety back then, which was followed by the diagnosis of Bipolar Disorder type 2 when I was 17. Because I was so young, I didn’t fully grasp what that meant. I just knew it would be…
“On the surface, I come across very differently to how I feel on the inside.”
I am a 45 year old with an immense life story- ostensibly just a male, discouraged (quiet) BPD sufferer who went undiagnosed for years. I was the golden child of Asian immigrants to the UK- very much Head Boy and all that, but with familial abuse and incipient coping mechanisms like OCD and BDD (Body…
“People around me often find it hard to understand.”
I found the place for a piece of my jigsaw and felt a sense of achievement as I pushed it into the picture. It was then the door swung open. I turned to see them advancing in like an army in battle. I flicked into flight mode and sped across the room. As they reached…
“OCD intrusive thoughts latch onto things that are most important to you.”
It was the summer of 2004 when I first began to notice symptoms of OCD. I had just finished my music degree and was looking forward to a summer of fun and memory-making with my friends. A few days later, I started to feel a bit anxious but I didn’t think anything of it. Unfortunately,…
“I was highly, highly anxious, and this manifested as wanting to control everything I could.”
I was diagnosed earlier this year with Obsessive Compulsive Personality Disorder (OCPD). The diagnosis wasn’t a surprise when it was explained to me what it meant, although to be honest I’d not actually ever heard of it before. But when the psychiatrist went through the symptoms with me, it made a lot of sense. Ever…
“When you have PPD the whole world becomes a sinister and threatening place.”
When people talk about paranoia, I don’t think they realise how all-consuming and life-limiting it can be. I have been told by my psychiatrist that I have at least traits of Paranoid Personality Disorder (PPD), if not the full condition, and if I’m honest I don’t know how much worse it would need to get…
“Once the rage set in, it was like I was possessed.”
When I was diagnosed with Intermittent Explosive Disorder (IED) in 2017 I had no idea what it even was. I knew I had problems controlling my anger but I never really saw it as a persistent problem. I thought getting angry to the point I would completely lose it was normal, especially as it wasn’t…
“I was always afraid and felt a void where my heart should be.”
“Never forget what happened to you. Never forget.” “But I have to, at least for a while.” Sometime later Baby came up with a solution for her counterpart- 1991, the six-year-old who held the memories. “You can break yourself, cut yourself into two and hid yourself while I use your body to operate.” “I can…
“The emotional pain never goes away for long.”
I have Borderline Personality Disorder and it’s likely that in a year or two’s time, it will have killed me. BPD doesn’t directly cause death. But because it has been at the root of so much of my suffering, I intend to take my own life- legally- by means of assisted suicide in Belgium, where…