“I feel very lost and uncomfortable in lots of situations.”

I’ve been very interested in psychology for a long time, and want to be a psychologist when I’m older, and personality disorders are something I’ve done lots of research on. About three years ago I started reading about Cluster A, and STPD caught my eye. It just felt very relatable, but in a worrying way, if that makes sense.

I brought it up with my psychologist and we went through every symptom, and how I related to it or experienced it. I think the main symptoms that affect me are odd thinking, speech, dress, and behavior,  social paranoia/ideas of reference, and inappropriate affect. I also have labile affect. 

I have no romantic interests. I’ve tried to, but i just don’t seem to be able to ‘fall in love’. I just have little interest in being in that close of an emotional or physical proximity with someone. The thought of it makes me feel afraid.

Friendships are similar, though I do have two close friends and a good relationship with my brothers. I’m mildly comfortable with my current friend circle, but new friendships are unavailable and unacceptable. I get really paranoid about a person’s motivations. Someone asked me when my birthday was a while ago, and I know it shouldn’t but it scared me, and I did not tell them the answer. As far as as school goes, I find it pointless and hard to focus on, and I do not have a job currently. 

Lots of people I’ve told don’t know what I’m talking about, so I have to explain the symptoms to them and then they usually agree that is sounds like me, but a few people have known what I was talking about, and asked some rude questions, like, “What do you hallucinate?” or, “Have you ever done drugs? They could be causing it” . Unfortunately I’ve never met someone else who had STPD.

I do think though that there are lots of fictional characters who likely have STPD, like Luna Lovegood from Harry Potter, or Kramer from Seinfeld, or the Riddler from various versions of Batman. I think these characters show what it’s like to be schizotypal.

I’ve tried to reason with the paranoia, like when a suspicious thought about my friends or family creeps in. I question it until I can disprove it, like if I think my brother is stealing my money, which I really thought. When I type it it sound silly, but I just had to ask myself why he would do that, when he would get the opportunity, and if it was a reasonable fear or not.

I wish other people could understand how confusing it is to have STPD. I’m confused most of the time, even though I’d consider myself to be relatively intelligent. I feel very lost and uncomfortable in lots of situations. Even simple conversations can be very difficult to interpret. I don’t know how I’m supposed to perceive certain information and I get obsessed with thinking my perception is wrong. I don’t know how to properly gauge the mood of situations, or respond proportionately. I feel very awkward and out of the loop lots of the time.