“I’m very suspicious and paranoid of everyone and their thoughts on me.”

When people think of personality disorders, they tend to think of the ones we see in the media, like BPD or NPD- basically the Cluster B disorders. But the ones that I have are ones you’ve probably never heard of.

The first is Schizotypal Personality Disorder (STPD) which is a Cluster A personality disorder, meaning it is characterised by odd, eccentric thoughts and/or behaviour. It is one of three disorders in the Cluster A bracket alongside Schizoid Personality Disorder and Paranoid Personality Disorder.

The second is Obsessive Compulsive Personality Disorder (OCPD) which is a Cluster C personality disorder. These disorders are characterised my anxious or fearful thoughts and/or behaviours, and the Cluster C bracket also includes Avoidant Personality Disorder (AVPD) and Dependent Personality Disorder (DPD). 

With OCPD there are several symptoms. It isn’t to be confused with Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD)- they are different. In OCPD, people are excessively preoccupied with work and productivity to the detriment of all else. They hate to waste time and often neglect family and leisure activities to focus on work. It is motivated by a need for perfection. They tend to apply rigidity to all aspects of life including compliance with authority and moral codes, and take their duties very seriously.

For me, OCPD affects me quite severely in pretty much every area of life. I have compulsions regarding numbers and writing and I have to have everything listed out. If it isn’t, I have to have the teacher go through it with me methodically. Group work is especially bad- I get annoyed when the others don’t take notes or pay attention, and mess around instead of focusing on the task. It really distresses me, since my work has to be perfect. If it isn’t- or I don’t get perfect marks- it makes me panic. I need perfect scores and the perfect, ideal school life.

People with STPD are often thought of as odd or eccentric in their mannerisms, dress sense or speech, and can have significant problems in understanding and interacting with others. They can become very socially withdrawn and hold peculiar beliefs or unusual perceptions. They are often thought of as ‘loners’.

STPD affects me in many ways. My schoolwork is often interrupted by me daydreaming. I’m often not able to get my work done in one go as I’m too busy concerned with other things and my mind always wonders. Concentration is a challenge.

Maintaining relationships is also difficult and that’s down to both the OCPD and STPD. I have a very hard time keeping up with relationships, and have very limited emotional response to most if not all things. I lack empathy, so if we aren’t close or just developing a friendship and you end up venting, I usually don’t really react, or at least not in the way I am expected to. I don’t regard most people as friends- in fact, only three people are considered my close friends.

Social interactions in general can be challenging. Most people look at me or talk to me weirdly, and I’ll just start thinking they think I’m weird or strange and start distancing myself very quickly. I’m very uncommunicative with most people and rarely talkative with anyone- people always have to make most of the effort in conversations.

I come across as very anxious and nervous in social situations, to the degree that it’s noticeable. I’m very suspicious and paranoid of everyone and their thoughts on me. I always react flatly- my emotions are very limited, and it makes me come off as a dry person to most. A lot of people don’t like me for this reason.

I’ve told my close friends about having OCPD and STPD, and my mom. My friends offered support, my mother not so much. She reacted very negatively due to the stigma around schizophrenic disorders in general.

I had to ask a lot of people about the differences between OCD and OCPD, and I thought I had OCD for a long while before I was told OCPD compulsions centre around perfection more than other things, which is what my compulsions centre around. I thought I had schizophrenia for a long time before I talked to my psychiatrist too and I didn’t match those symptoms. Schizoaffective disorder didn’t fit my symptoms either.

I’ve met someone with STPD online, and one other person with OCPD. It isn’t as common as I thought it was. People get a lot wrong about it. People mistake OCPD for OCD all the time because of a lack of awareness and understanding. It’s quite hard for people to recognise that they are different disorders. There is even less understanding of what STPD is. Because of the name, people usually think STPD is just schizophrenia- more commonly they think it’s a ‘light’ version of schizophrenia and it’s really infuriating when people invalidate my experiences because they see STPD as less serious.

I do fear stigma and that things may get worse for me. But I am fortunate that I am medically recognised, and I also have hope for treatment.