“I don’t really like the term ‘sociopath’ and would never use it for myself outside of jokes.”
I have ASPD and my main symptoms are inability to control anger, aggression and irritability, impulsivity, apathy towards others (including myself) and the inability to feel fear. I am also unable to consider consequences o my actions.
All those mixed together have caused me a lot of trouble in my childhood and teen years (I’m now 20) because I would get into physical fights with others very frequently. It also got me in trouble with the law, but so far I always managed to not get convicted for any of it.
I’m currently taking mood stabilizers, which takes away a huge part of the anger management issues. The irritability remains, so I would often just give an ‘attitude’ to people, especially to my mother. The worst way it affects me now is the chronic boredom and anhedonia, which leads to impulsivity and often causes me to abuse drugs, although I’m now on a good path away from that too.
All that led to me sitting at home from the age of 15, either not really participating in education, or starting school but then dropping out and not going back, so now at 20 I’m trying to redo all of that and to get a hold of my life.
ASPD definitely has affected work and school in similar ways, just in terms of not being able to care about keeping up with them or attending them, and then not being bothered by the consequences while everyone around me (authorities, parents etc) would go mad about it. Especially in regards to keeping up with routines and always doing the same thing, this is the hardest part for me. That’s why I am currently searching for something that has enough variety to keep me interested.
When it comes to relationships, it’s tricky to explain. Since I can’t really form or feel close connections and attachments to people, it is always hard keeping relationships up, but I never really struggled to enter them. Most of the time I would just cut people off or leave them without a second thought if they did something I didn’t like, since the attachment wasn’t there.
Before medication I would also start arguments very quickly, which lead to the breaking of a lot of things too. But currently since it’s more managed and the people around me know me things like that, situations like that rarely occur, mostly only with new people.
My diagnosis was BPD prior to ASPD. This was until I started to date someone who was also (and actually did have) BPD. Along the way I realized that I do in fact not have any of the core traits of BPD (abandonment issues, unstable sense of self etc) and only relate to the traits that apply to all of Cluster B as a whole. It made me dig deeper, since before I didn’t question my diagnosis at all or even know what it was.
Through that, I booked in for an assessment which resulted in the ASPD diagnosis. I have mostly only been offered talk therapy, but since I tried it many times before, I declined, as I think it’s very unnecessary in my case- the nature of the disorder itself means I don’t feel ‘bad’ in that sense. I was offered CBT too and I haven’t taken it yet, but I will definitely do so in the future. Other than that, medication was the most effective thing I was offered and actually it helped me a lot in managing my symptoms.
In terms of the professionals I dealt with, some were really knowledgeable and compassionate. They made me feel like I finally felt heard, and acknowledged what I was saying to them. But I often met professionals who were very neglectful, didn’t properly listen or give advice you would usually hear from anyone rather than a trained professional, like, “Just do _____!” So I would say it’s a 50/50 as to whether the support I received was good or not.
I am very open about living with ASPD. Most of the time people don’t really know what I’m talking about, since I don’t really like the term ‘sociopath’ and would never use it for myself outside of jokes. I also don’t like other people using it to describe me. Quite often people mistake ‘antisocial’ for ‘asocial’ in the ASPD acronym too.
Other than that, the vast majority of negative reactions I’ve got from people about my ASPD have been disbelief- telling me that I am lying about it, or that it isn’t true- or I am just trying to be ‘edgy’. The other negative reactions were from self proclaimed ‘experts’ who watched or read way too much about sociopathic serial killers and think they know it all, when actually the most they know is just outdated, stigmatizing and demonizing information- or ‘worst case scenario’ information.
In actual fact we do have emotions like everybody else. We just don’t have such a wide range of emotions like most people. A lot of our emotions are just very shallow, short term or muted. But we also have heightened ones, like anger for example. If we were emotionless we wouldn’t be a part of Cluster B (dramatic, overly emotional or unpredictable thinking or behaviour).
We are also not some kind of predators who are out there waiting for the right moment to get at you just for the fun of it. Sure, I may have harmed and emotionally and physically hurt people in the past, however not once did such a situation occur simply because I felt like doing so.
But I and many people with ASPD that I have met have never actively regularly abused or harmed anyone. Most of the time it just happens out of provocation and in the heat of the moment. And just because we are incapable of feeling guilty for our actions doesn’t mean we can’t rationally understand why and how it’s wrong and why you should not do it again.
