“ASPD like other Cluster B disorders is birthed usually from trauma, abuse and anguish.”
I noticed something wasn’t right in around 2009 just before I moved towns. I was in Year 8 and I was experiencing violent and aggressive thoughts and urges towards my peers. I mentioned this deep-burning desire for violence to a teaching assistant at school whom I confided in in confidence. I was reported to my Headteacher and they put me in isolation for the remainder of my time at the school.
From that moment on- especially in my next school going into Year 9- I was different. I had experienced so much trauma and violence at the hands of my father that I deemed my thought processes to be normal, but the reactions of the people around me quickly made me realise I had to keep them quiet.
The symptoms I experience vary depending on what environment I’m exposed to. Currently my symptoms are quiet as I’m surrounded by few people most days, and only see people for short intervals. My job is remote (from home) currently, so I don’t mingle. It’s perfect.
My main symptoms are apathy and a lack of empathy for others. I’ve noticed more recently I tend to purposely change my behavior and personality to match the receiver of my communication. A way to disarm and make people feel comfortable with me. Not a bad thing per se, just something I’d noticed.
I received my official diagnosis in 2020. But I have been in and out of therapy since I was younger. The professionals I dealt with initially seemed to be more concerned about determining my threat level rather than hearing my cries for help.
Accessing treatment has been extremely tiresome and difficult as the NHS is not equipped to deal with the mental health crisis, especially personality disorders. I kept getting passed onto different people who ‘might be able to help’ and had to retell my story over and over. I’m currently in CBT and doing well.
Sports help me a lot. I competed briefly in Strongman, I trained in Jiu-Jitsu and did an MMA fight for charity. Now I’m competing in Hyrox which is a functional fitness race.
In addition to this my spiritual and religious beliefs have helped. I also write, and I run a page called Anti-Social Theatre where I talk very openly about my experience with ASPD and BPD traits through educational posts and also through more theatrical/cinematic means.
Reactions to my ASPD have been mixed, but mostly positive. Media representation is typically wrong and stigmatising. We are often shown as violent offenders, master manipulators and evil serial killers, but ASPD like other Cluster B disorders is birthed usually from trauma, abuse and anguish.
We are human beings. Our personality is ‘disordered’ because it was made that way. It’s not a choice to feel that way, to think that way. It just is. But that doesn’t mean we’re inherently violent. We have a choice just like everyone. Granted we may be more likely to commit crime and be violent, but it’s not a given.
I would like to see people with ASPD treated with the same attention and judgement-free care that people with other mental health issues receive. I would like legitimate and accurate representation of us in the general sphere of the public consciousness. I want us to be treated like human beings and to be encouraged to reach out for help without fear.
