“I tend to act out of character when I am in an episode, and sometimes that means hurting people I love.”

I guess I knew I might be bipolar from a pretty young age- probably 14 or 15. However I wasn’t officially diagnosed until age 29.

I experience mania in the form of high irritability and high risk behaviors. I also experience intense lows, and at times those lows result in suicidal ideation, and even attempts on my life.

Both manic and depressive episodes come with their own set of symptoms. I already mentioned high irritability from mania, but I also get anxious, don’t need as much sleep, talk really fast, have a high sex drive and  indulge in reckless spending that causes major issues. I don’t really experience happiness or euphoria in a manic state often.

In terms of what a depressive state feels like, I’ve mentioned the suicidal stuff. If it’s real bad I self harm, I become hopeless, have low energy and low motivation, I over sleep, don’t eat properly and am apathetic.

Bipolar has absolutely affected my relationships. I constantly struggle to maintain relationships because I tend to act out of character when I am in an episode, and sometimes that means hurting people I love. It can also disrupt work because sometimes I have to call in because I am a mess, or I act out of character at work and get snappy or overly emotional.

I was diagnosed with bipolar during a stay in residential rehab for opioid addiction. Before my diagnosis and proper treatment I struggled with self medicating. At first I rejected the diagnosis. I was devastated. Eventually I realized this diagnosis would allow me to be able to get the treatment I needed for Bipolar (Type 2) Disorder and feel/get better.

I understand bipolar pretty well. I have done a lot of research and made sure to understand, so that I can help myself appropriately. Physical activity of almost any kind helps. Actively and intentionally moving my body and getting my blood flowing clears my head.

Having at least three friends I can rely on and be fully honest with, who will call me out and tell me the truth when necessary, has also helped my recovery. Being understanding, loving, and gentle with myself has been invaluable too.

There is absolutely a stigma and misunderstanding around bipolar. The word bipolar is over- and loosely- used whenever someone is being emotional or moody. People don’t understand it’s not just someone being dramatic or having mood swings. And a person isn’t manic just because they are high energy. Bipolar disorder is a serious disorder that greatly affects a person’s life. It’s more complex than mood swings.

I would like to see it taken more seriously. I would like people to stop loosely using the terms bipolar or manic and not speak on them if they are not in fact bipolar or manic.