“Having DID affected us a lot in school.”

It all started at around my 10th birthday. I don’t really remember much, but I know around this time I started having really bad depression, anxiety, SH and ED thoughts. I would sleep all day and be up all night just online talking to strangers to feel value, or to not feel sad. This went on for months and mental health was my hyper-fixation (it still is).

When I wasn’t talking to strangers, I was watching every video out there about mental health, reading every diagnostic criteria and their symptoms. One day I was sitting there, there was someone telling not to do it, that I was safe and was okay. At the time I had no idea what that meant, because I assumed I was just hallucinating- I would see things and other stuff all the time. The hallucinations were mostly shadows and Pixie-like fairy things, or external voices, so not alters. I kept seeing a white fox in my room- not the whole animal though, just it’s tail. It felt very weird.

A couple of days later I’d forgotten all about what the voice said. I was feeling fed up with life, so I took my dog and left at about 3am. We lived in the countryside and my mom was at work, so no one knew we had gone. We left and I was walking for around 2 and a half hours. I was crying and just felt like life was over- the only reason I kept going was because I had my dog with me. I stopped at the next house and asked the man if I could just sit outside, and he said he would take me home. He took us home and I told my dad what happened and he just blew it off. My mom is very supportive of me and the DID. She never said she believes me, but never said she doesn’t either. She listens a lot.

Fast forward a little later, my mom found out and now I have a therapist and psychiatrist. I started meds for my anxiety, depression and psychosis. Fast forward more and I’m 12. I start dealing with gender dysphoria and change my name. Fast forward again, I’m 13 I start to get hospitalized for my ED, suicide attempts and lots of other stuff. I later get into a relationship with a really abusive person. He caused me my trauma that I remember- the rest of my trauma was medical, or moving house a lot, or house fires- lots of other small things too (I’m still figuring it all out). This is when I worked out that these voices I was hearing were alters. Still no one believed me, but I’m now letting my alters express themselves and be who they are.

I have about 57 alters that are active now. There are 10-15 that I know nothing about and 10 dormant alters. We have lots of protectors but we also have our fair share of prosecutors. One of them even caused us to split because of how bad it got and another one did a lot of SH and ED behavior when we were recovering, but we have a lot of different alters.

Having DID affected us a lot in school because some alters would come out and not know how to do school work, or it would be a little, but we got kicked out of school because of our suicidal thoughts and they thought we would hurt someone. So we went to an alternative school and now we do online, but school has been an issue since we were in kindergarten.

The gender dysphoria we had mostly was with our first host, the one who lived out life till we were 13 when we experienced a fusion followed by another fusion afterwards. Now I still deal with a lot of gender dysphoria but some days it’s worse than others because I’m Libra-Fluid.