“Small things can make my anxiety levels and panic rise.”

I have both anxiety and panic attacks. Anxiety expresses itself via a lot of physical symptoms and are usually built up, whereas my panic can come for no reason and is more a mental experience.

My personal experience with anxiety attacks includes sweating a lot, hot flashes, my heartbeat going up, crying, hyperventilation, and sometimes vomiting. My panic attacks tend to make me panic for little to no reason- my heartbeat gets very fast, I get cold flashes but can also become very sweaty. I sometimes am not able to speak when I get like that and stay silent.

It impacts my school life the most and also affects social gatherings or the meeting of new people. I am a paranoid person, and small things can make my anxiety levels and panic rise, and I sometimes act out by panicking too much and going into a bad state of mind, or completely close off. I also regularly experience dissociation and derealization.

I was diagnosed by a therapist and a psychiatrist. I got different medication to try, like Seroquel, which was supposed to stabilize my mood as well. I have taken schizophrenia medication (I forgot the name of it) in the past, and none of it helped. The psychiatrist who prescribed me these isn’t someone I’d trust now and I think he prescribed me that to keep my mind at ease. I think he didn’t realize how serious it was. I was at a very anxious and low point of my life when I took those. He had reassured my parents I was fine, but a week after their meeting, my school called to have me collected because the stress was impacting me so much it could potentially affect those around me too.

I have been to several different psychologists, and they have helped me a little. Personally, having people that are there for me and let me know that help me the most. Sadly, I used to turn to bad coping mechanisms as well, but I am working on that. One of my parents has been unsupportive since the start, but the other has tried to help me as much as possible.

I have experienced physical symptoms like crying- it’s happened in front of crowds and classrooms, and it is the most humiliating thing I have ever been through. People have talked behind my back about it, even in my closer relationships.

Some people have stereotyped and stigmatized it into something demonic; I dress in black and haven’t been well for a long time, and some people have demonized me for that, making up that I’m evil and just want to manipulate teachers to not do the work, but it’s not true. I work as hard as I can, and whilst I still have a lot of trouble I try my best each time. I have some supportive people in my life, but even they sometimes have prejudices.

I have however met people that understand me, and it does make me feel less alone, but I don’t open up about it as much out of fear that people would talk. I just wish people knew how hard it is to actually live with this and that it isn’t some fun excuse to not do some work, and it doesn’t mean I’m a loser because I feel uneasy when there are too many people around, or don’t go to as many parties as my peers.

I remember I was in the first year of primary (elementary) at age five. I had a very strict teacher and I was already an anxious and stressed child. I had to present a long poem in front of the class and was one of the first to present. I was confident that I knew everything, but forgot a line. The teacher shouted at me in front of the entire class and made me cry. A girl sitting in the front row even started crying with me. Mind you, I was a six year old child standing in front of a classroom getting humiliated because I forgot a line.

The fun part though was that I was so stressed to talk to the teacher that I peed myself in the classroom while I was sitting on a pillow in the back of the class at ‘reading time’ (the teacher reading a story). It was the end of the day after that, so I just went home. Sweet little revenge honestly, even if that teacher deserved a tad bit more.