“I am very sceptical of people’s motives and intentions towards me.”

For anyone who is unfamiliar with Borderline Personality Disorder, the idea of ‘splitting’ is quite a difficult concept to explain. After all, why would someone deliberately cut off friends, family and partners when they fear abandonment and rejection above all else? It doesn’t make much sense to people with BPD either, but here I am going to attempt to explain why I act the way I do towards the people who are closest to me.

It’s important to note that not everyone with BPD ‘splits’ on people, and not everyone who splits has BPD. It’s a common characteristic in most borderlines however.

Splitting is essentially a product of black and white thinking which a lot of borderlines experience, ie that things are either all good or all bad, with no grey area or middle ground. It’s also known as idealisation (thinking something or someone is amazing and the best thing ever- basically, putting it/them on a pedestal) and devaluation (thinking something or someone is terrible and the worst thing ever- taking them off that pedestal). A borderline can switch between the two very quickly, and it often doesn’t take a lot to tip them in either direction. It’s also sometimes known as ‘splitting white’ when a borderline idealises someone and ‘splitting black’ when they devalue them, although I don’t really like those terms.

So what does splitting look like? It depends on what ‘kind’ of borderline you are, and on your individual personality. I’ve known borderlines who will split on someone and this will be accompanied by bouts of intense rage and acting out- typically, directing their anger at the person (although not always the object of splitting, it can be others).

For me, I’m not really an ‘acting out’ borderline. If I’m splitting, I will simply ghost or block the person I’ve split on and quietly move on, never to acknowledge their existence again. Obviously this depends on context. If it happens in the workplace, I’ll be civil and professional towards them. If it’s someone I know socially, then I just avoid them. I don’t necessarily hate the person I’ve split on, I am simply indifferent towards them. The idea that all borderlines create drama and thrive on chaos isn’t true- we aren’t all the same. I suspect I’m probably a ‘quiet borderline’. 

Putting people on a pedestal is a risk for many reasons, not least because once someone is on a pedestal, at some point they will fall of it and that’s when splitting starts. For most borderlines, idealising will likely entail wanting to get as close as possible to that person, seeking constant contact and establishing connection and validation through them.

In romantic relationships, this might include things like love bombing. Again for me, this is done discreetly. I’ve absorbed societal norms enough to know what is and what isn’t acceptable behaviour towards another person and how to observe other people’s boundaries as best as I can to avoid pushing them away. It’s not been an easy road towards learning this and it has entailed a lot of ‘masking’- covering up my true feelings and impulses to make my behaviour more socially acceptable. That doesn’t mean my thought processes are any different though, they are definitely still very much borderline territory.

For me personally, I don’t tend to split on friends. The main reason for this is that I really maintain only a few very close friendships with people I have known for a very long time and who are aware of my BPD. Because they know me so well, the triggers for splitting are vastly reduced. They know that my fear of abandonment and rejection is huge, so are very respectful of my needs in the friendship.

For example I don’t cope well with flakiness, so if someone needs to cancel, they always make an attempt to rearrange, so I can see that they do intend to see me at some point and aren’t breaking off the meeting because they secretly hate me. Messaging is another trigger for me. If I’m left on read or someone doesn’t reply, I’ll jump to conclusions and assume that that person hates me and I’ll obsess over what I’ve done wrong. My friends know a message saying they’ll reply later is a really simple way to stop me spiralling into a pit of anxiety and panic that I’m being rejected.

Romantic relationships are much more challenging. I tend to be very picky about who I date because I am aware that there is quite a high likelihood that I will idealise them if I feel a connection. As I mentioned before, some borderlines will attach very quickly and engage in behaviours designed to pull the other person closer, for example by initiating intimacy prematurely, love bombing, constant messaging, buying gifts, oversharing etc. For me, it’s a lot more subtle. I still get those intoxicating feelings and strong connections, but I will fight the urge to show it.

It’s actually really difficult to ‘play it cool’ when you’re obsessing over someone and thinking about them all the time, but I’ve learned from my past behaviour where my over-enthusiasm pushed people away or worse, shown them that I’m vulnerable to manipulation because I will do anything to keep their attention. It’s horrible to admit to but there are people out there who prey on people like me, because we thrive so much on other people’s attention and affection. I’ve been in a number of physically and emotionally abusive relationships in the past where I’ve stayed because I was afraid to leave and be alone. These experiences have made me even more wary of people, since I tend to assume anyone who is interested probably has bad intentions.

Because I also suffer with paranoid traits, I’m not sure if the way I behave is totally down to BPD or if there are other elements at play. Even when I’m idealising a prospective partner, I’ll be searching for red flags and if I find any, that can very quickly cause me to split on that person. It can involve finding things on their social media that concern me (for example, comments from other girls), inconsistencies with patterns of communication that could suggest they already have a partner, signs that I’m a ‘back burner’ girl or any hint that they are just using me for sex (or planning to).

If I find any red flags, it is very likely I will split on that person. I’ve read that this is a self-defence mechanism for borderlines to prevent them from getting hurt, and I would say that’s probably correct. For me, it’s not just about hurt. I’ll split if I spot signs of impending rejection, abandonment, manipulation or being used. I know from experience how devastating it can be and how much I have ruminated and agonised over those kind of situations when they have happened to me in the past, and I will do anything I possibly can to stop it from happening again. Borderline emotions are so much more heightened than they are for the average person, so it’s difficult to explain how risky it can be for us to feel vulnerable or exploited.

If I split (which is highly likely after identifying red flags), I will immediately block and delete the other person. I understand that ghosting is an awful thing to do, but my fear of abandonment is so intense that I am compelled to reject someone before they reject me. The logical part of me knows that I should approach the other person to discuss concerns, but I also fear being manipulated or lied to, so the easiest option is often to cut someone off without explanation. I know how terrible it makes me feel when I’m ghosted and it can’t be nice for the other person when I withdraw without warning, but in my mind the priority is eliminating the risk of hurt and the other person’s feelings are secondary to my own self-preservation. I’d say that in nearly all cases, I act pre-emptively if I suspect something is ‘off’.

It’s exhausting being so hypervigilant and having to adopt such a sceptical mindset towards potential partners. Of course the drawback of all this is that I cut off a lot of potential partners on the basis of my suspicions, and I don’t stick around to find out if my fears are founded or not. I’ve only had three proper relationships because of it. But most of the time I believe I’ve acted in my own best interests.

There have been situations in the past where for example I have been communicating with someone who, unknown to me, had a partner. I’ve then found out and split on them, not only for my own welfare but also because morally I don’t believe that continuing to communicate with someone in a relationship is the right thing to do. As part of the splitting process, they have gaslit me by telling me that they were just being friendly and I’ve read too much into it when they’ve been flirting, or turned it all back on me by saying that I’ve misinterpreted things. I’d rather not have that kind of confrontation where my BPD is used against me, so it’s easier just to disappear.

For some borderlines, splitting can become a cycle of idealisation and devaluation. After cutting someone off, they can experience guilt and remorse and then desperately attempt to win that person back. Repeated cycles of this often push people away and it leads to unstable relationship patterns. For my part, I rarely go back on my decision to cut people off. I worry that if I let someone back in, I’m going to open myself up to getting hurt again. Once I’m done, I’m done. It would take an awful lot to convince me to go back. I am very sceptical of people’s motives and intentions towards me.

It is easy sometimes to fall into the trap of thinking that how I behave is always down to BPD. I actually think in a lot of ways, my splitting is not that much different to how anyone else sets boundaries around what they will and won’t accept. I know friends who cut off people they’re dating if they think they are being messed around, and I’m no exception. Everyone has some degree of ‘black and white thinking’ in terms of where they draw the line with other people’s behaviour. It’s just my boundaries are non-negotiable and in some ways quite extreme.

I am human and I do feel guilty for how I treat people. I’m not saying my experience of splitting is representative of all borderlines, obviously everyone is different. The truth is that technology makes it so easy for me to shut people out at the touch of a button and it’s like they never existed. I simply erase them from my life. Online dating has done a lot of the hard work for me. Ghosting is so commonplace now, I think people almost expect it to happen. It doesn’t make it right. But I have to protect myself.