“I was absolutely terrified that some of the things I said would come with me into adulthood.”

The day I was officially sent to CAMHS after my family trying to help me themselves was the day my family accidentally caught a glimpse of rather a lot of cuts of different ages on my forearm. My little sister asked what it was, and my mum questioned me and cried. I apologised and then we immediately got in touch with my GP to get a mental health referral. I think my GP had anxiety on my record before this point as the GP saw us quickly.

The referral was made due to response as to why I self harmed was, “They told me to”. I would have been 12 or close to 13 at this time, and had been experiencing symptoms a few years before this happened.

I got referred over rather fast, possibly due to the self harm aspect. The first appointment was within a fortnight, but my GP was the one who offered my parents advice and recommended I also seek a school counsellor out so I’d have some contact until CAMHS started.

My mother requested school counselling. I don’t believe there was any liaison with CAMHS. My parents would often be in the room during the sessions and I know there were a couple of occasions where they kept my parents behind to speak to without me, but this wasn’t a common occurrence. My mum had to get herself a few private sessions with a mentor/counsellor to learn how to cope and I also started to see a private one so I’d have a much more regular appointment than what CAMHS could offer.

When I first went, I was very nervous and ready in my mind to fight back against authority, or to not be believed. The initial session barely covered anything that distressed me- it focused on the self harm entirely. Throughout my years with them I felt they focused on things that- to me- mattered less. They would refer me back and forth a lot. For example I mentioned auditory hallucinations and they’d refer me to talk about psychosis with another colleague, or I’d be referred to another about my body image issues, and so on. The appointments were also quite sparing, one/two a month and almost always a different face that I’d have to relay the same information across to again.

The strategies for not self harming were the same as you’d find on NSPCC or NHS sites like take a bath, go for a walk, or speak to family. None of these really helped much, so I started to do my own research and find my own strategies. Having a professional take you seriously and not talk to you like you’re less intelligent just because you’re a child really helps too.

Also, something not everyone can get- a strong family bond. When you feel at your worst, you don’t need to necessarily spill the beans, but being around family who love you helps. In fact I moved to the town across from my Dad now I’m in my twenties, and the proximity helps me put my family first if I feel like harming myself.

Towards the end of my time with services, I had started learning more about how medical records work and was absolutely terrified that some of the things I said would come with me into adulthood and maybe interfere with jobs or moving places, so I would repeatedly ask for photocopies of all notes from my sessions and asked them to remove all of my information when I was around 16 because I had so little trust in them despite the laws about privacy. I actively avoided help for about two years after I told them to remove all of my details from their system and that I wanted to be withdrawn from their services. It definitely didn’t make it easy to get help in the future, with the paranoia baseline. 

In hindsight, I feel I would have been better not going to CAMHS at all. The waiting room felt competitive, with teenagers trying to make themselves seem the most damaged in front of one another. A lot felt like a show, because of how many of us were in the reception. I don’t know why they let so many mentally ill children roam around together talking about self harm together before appointments.

I don’t want to shame all of them. There were good people there who cared deeply, but it was so rare to get the same one more than a couple times a year, and progress was rarely made because of it. Not all the counsellors were bad, for sure.