“I have felt so much shame in the past for my illness.”

I got my diagnosis of Bipolar Disorder in my 40s. However I have had Bipolar Type 2 since my late teens.  Back then it was called manic depressive disorder.

I noticed that I had symptoms when I was 17. But back then there was only really awareness of Bipolar 1. I was either depressed or very active, nothing really in between.

The worst thing for me was being depressed, but I hid it well. With hypomania I got very active, going to the gym for four hours every day. The most problematic was the oversharing and rapid speech. I also starting working nights, which in hindsight, propelled me into hypomania and depression.

Back then, people just thought that I was fun and intense to be around. The life of the party, you could say. But my real friends could sense that something wasn’t right. At that moment in time (20-ish years old) it didn’t really affect my school or work. I was always on time, did my work etc.

I remember a former boyfriend telling me that one moment I was crying, the next I was laughing hysterically- the switch between two moods took place in a matter of minutes. It really caught me off guard.

I knew there was something not right with me, but the problem with Bipolar 2 is that you don’t see the hypomania, only extra energy and happiness. Anyway I went to see in my doctor for my depression, and boom did I get happy and so much energy. But in my late 20s I tried to kill myself four times. Not even then did I get help. I was told to get a boyfriend and it would be fine.

Fast forward seven years and I met my now husband. I moved towns and got a new job. It was very stressful work and I had a mental breakdown due the stress. I went to a therapist and after a few visits, she asked me, “Are you bipolar?” I was relieved, but sad at the same time.

I was referred to a psychiatric clinic and was given Lamotrigine and Risperidone. At the clinic I was offered nothing but a outpatient course on bipolar disorder, which was fine. Everything I know about BP is what I have researched myself. I have had seven doctors, only three were good. Just to mention, I do have a very good doctor now that I can trust.

When I was 16+, mental illness was seen as something scary and to be ashamed of. People with mental disorders were seen as a bad seed. It has changed during the years. When I was diagnosed 11 years ago, it had kind of changed. I worked in a rural setting and it was seen as something bad. I got bullied there because of my illness, but I left that job four years ago.

These days it’s the opposite, it is nothing to be ashamed of. I have felt so much shame in the past for my illness. The shame was very hard for me, but not so much these days.

I have the hypomania under control now, but the depression just sucks. I don’t know if it was being untreated for so many years, but I get brain fatigue when there is too much noise around me. I lose my focus, get headaches and anxiety. When I go to work, I take a bus that is more or less empty.

The hardest thing for me is finding the right medications. The medications that work for me either give me severe tummy issues, brain fog or weight gain. I sometimes get tired in social interactions and have to leave early because of my BP too. I’m very glad that I got help, but I feel sadness that it took 20 years. However, I’m glad that times have changed for the better.

The positive is that I have made friends with BP. The BP community on Instagram has been great. I have educated family and friends about BP too, namely that is an illness and nothing to be ashamed of. There is a lot of research going on and hopefully it will improve things

BP doesn’t define me as a person, and I am hopeful that the stigma around it will end.