“I’m not proud of how I acted in the past and I wish I’d got help for my mental health earlier.”

I’ve lived with bipolar disorder for a long time now, but even before I was diagnosed I have suffered with one symptom in particular. People might think that sex addiction isn’t real, but believe me, living with hypersexuality is far from a joke.

I first started to develop traits of bipolar in my early teens, although I had no idea that anything was wrong at the time and neither did anyone else. My mood swings and constant up and downs were waved off as normal for a teenager.  I would go through periods of intense depression, not able to get out of bed and unable to muster up any enthusiasm for life. My memory would become hazy, I would stop going out and lose interest in food and socialising.

But then there were times when I’d be at the complete opposite end of the spectrum, totally wild and uncontrollable. I would blow money on things I couldn’t afford, do things that were dangerous and unsafe, stay awake for days on end, be full of energy and enthusiasm and be constantly making plans which I rarely managed to see through without getting distracted. Friends described me as a whirlwind- totally at odds  with my behaviour when I was depressed. Later on in my twenties these symptoms were joined by psychosis where when I was manic, I would experience delusions and hallucinations. Quite often the change between the two states was almost immediate, something known as rapid cycling. It felt exhausting just existing.

It was around the time I first noticed these symptoms that I began experiencing hypersexuality. But whereas most of my symptoms passed quickly or were manageable, this was something different. Like most teenagers, I was interested in sex from about 11 years old when I found out what it was.  I would spend most of my day thinking and fantasising about sex.

I first had sex when I was 14 which I know is very young. It wasn’t a very good experience and it didn’t happen again until I was 16 and in a relationship. Most of the time, my relationship was healthy and I would say that this person was a huge support to me during my periods of being up and down. However during my manic phases, my attitude towards sex changed.

My libido went through the roof and I would want sex constantly. At first my partner loved this but the novelty wore off quickly. I would want it so much that it caused arguments. It might sound great if your partner is always up for it, but actually the demands it made on my partner caused resentment. Nobody wants to feel used for sex or hassled into doing it multiple times a day. This would be soon followed by a depressive episode where I would lose interest and then we would go through weeks of no sexual contact at all. They found this hard to deal with and this, along with my mood swings, quickly brought about the end of our relationship.

By this time I was at university and being single, this gave me a lot of freedom and this applied to dating too. Away from home, I was exposed to pornography for the first time and without anyone monitoring me, I quickly became addicted to using it and was viewing it multiple times a day around my lectures and on weekends it would be constant. I would sometimes  miss lectures to stay home and watch it or not go out with friends, and I was often tired from being up all night watching it. I missed deadlines too as I was watching so much porn I had little time for anything else.

I met lots of new people at university and slept with many of them. During manic phases this would often be multiple partners. Occasionally I slept with more than one person a day, waking up with one person but going to bed with another in the evening. At university nobody really questioned this as it was accepted behaviour for students. Sometimes my housemates would joke about how many partners I got through, but I laughed it off.

I always tried to be safe but I am ashamed to say I did catch chlamydia twice from unprotected sex. This did put me off sleeping around, but only short term. By now I was accessing more extreme forms of pornography and although I felt disgusted with myself, I couldn’t get the same buzz from tamer porn.

I would think about sex nonstop when I was manic and would use dating apps to arrange hook-ups with people I barely knew. I had some really negative experiences going home with people I didn’t know and being coerced into sexual acts I didn’t want to do, which made me feel ashamed and affected the way I felt about myself for a long time afterwards. But even that didn’t stop me.

I also treated people badly. I know there were a number of people I slept with who genuinely liked me and I strung them along to get them to sleep with me, even though I knew I wasn’t interested in things going further. I also hooked up with partners of my friends, and people they were interested in, which cost me those friendships.  When I was in the thick of it, I felt like it was spinning out of control and even wondered if I had developed ‘Pure OCD’ (a type of obsessive compulsive disorder which can manifest as intrusive sexual thoughts) . But then it would be followed by a depressive phase where I would almost totally lose interest in sex.

For me the wake up call came when I met someone I really liked and we became exclusive quite quickly. The honeymoon phase was great and we had lots of sex as most new couples do, so my manic phases and hypersexuality were less noticeable.

But after a few months problems began again with me wanting far more sex during these phases than my partner. I loved them, but my need for sex was so strong that I did the only thing I could think of to satisfy the urge, and cheated. Not just once, but several times with several different people. By this time I’d begun to get myself a bit of a reputation and word soon got back to my partner, who was heartbroken and ended the relationship. Even now I kick myself for throwing away such a good relationship for the sake of meaningless sex.

I believed that I was probably a sex addict and decided to see my doctor who referred me to a psychiatrist. They made the link between my hypersexuality and the other symptoms I was experiencing and that’s how I ended up with diagnosis of bipolar 2. I’m now on antipsychotics which help with the hypersexuality as well as psychosis, and my risky behaviours when manic. I also have therapy which has helped me have a healthier attitude towards sex and relationships. I’m not proud of how I acted in the past and I wish I’d got help for my mental health earlier. Sex addiction can ruin people’s lives and I hope my story helps people to recognise the symptoms and seek help.