“I would see demons everywhere I went and voices would tell me what to do all the time.”

I’ve been dealing with depression, self-harm and suicidal ideation since I was 11 years old, maybe earlier. Those gradually got worse throughout the years. The psychosis started sometime in high school, but I kept it secret because of the stigma. I had my first manic episode that started around November 2016, and in February 2017 my mania put me in the ER while doctors ran tests to see what was going on.

My symptoms include paranoia, delusions, hallucinations, mania, depression, suicidal thoughts and self-harm. All of these things affected me daily for many years. It wasn’t until I received help that things started to stabilize.

My psychosis seems to be finally going away with the help of an antipsychotic shot that I receive every month. The mania and depression still bug me, but most of the time it isn’t very intense. I feel like I’m finally able to try and get a job. I wouldn’t have made it this far without medication.

But before treatment, life was hell. I would see demons everywhere I went and voices would tell me what to do all the time. I didn’t obey them, they just freaked me out. The ground would warp and shift like waves and sometimes my food would taste extremely salty, even my grandma’s cookies tasted salty to me but nobody else seemed to taste salt. Before diagnosis, my mental illness was very confusing and it scared the shit out of me at times.

After I started treatment, and after starting my blog, I started to feel better. Medicine works and the mental health/illness community is key for my recovery. I am on a mood stabilizer and antipsychotic and have been self-harm free for six months.

Life was debilitating for more than three years. I couldn’t work or keep a job because of it. And I’m pretty sure I got fired because of my mental illness. They say it was due to ‘poor attendance’ when in reality that ‘poor attendance’ was me being stuck in a psych ward for two weeks with no way of contacting my work to let them know where I was. I told them where I was and showed them my hospital papers, and they still fired me.

My relationships were both strengthened and strained by my diagnosis. Some people were supportive (especially my twin sister). Some hated me soon after I came out about my schizoaffective and I’m not quite sure why. Some friendships died while others flourished. I’ve never had a partner so I don’t know how that would’ve been affected.

In high school, I failed out of 11th grade English and struggled to do my school work for most of my years of schooling. I barely completed the make-up work, for that English class, the Tuesday right before high school graduation. I received my high school diploma and got to walk with my class.

I never went to college because the mania hit me soon after I graduated high school. I’m kind of glad I didn’t attend college because that would’ve resulted in me dealing with my mania by myself, and I don’t know if I would’ve received help for it because I don’t like doctors very much.

Society says that those of us with schizoaffective are violent and dangerous towards others. It’s quite the opposite. The only person I’ve wished to actually harm is myself. I wish they knew that I am the same person I was before they found out I have a mental illness.

Once people (even people who I’ve known my entire life) found out I have schizoaffective, a lot of them started treating me different. Some seemed afraid of me, some hated me, some acted like they didn’t care about me anymore, and all of that it is incredibly frustrating and saddening. I’m still me, you just know one of my secrets now.

If you think you may have any mental health condition, don’t be afraid to reach out for help. Doctors are there to help you with anything, and they will try their best to find treatment that works for you. Crisis lines are available 24/7 to help. I’ve called/texted them a few times myself and it helped bring me to a place of calm. Asking for help is a sign of strength.