“When I am manic, I overreact.”

I remember standing in front of the mirror with my meds in my hand. I wondered if I was about to lose my personality. The thought that I may have never been myself was really odd.

Of course that didn’t happen. I am still me, just more stable. I still have a sense of humor, a spontaneous side, and my creativity. I am still fun, but more sensible and responsible. Now I am the person that wouldn’t climb a tree in the middle of the night and fall and dislocate my elbow and twist my ankle.

I still get sad, anxious and asocial, too. Luckily, I don’t get depressed and detached to the point of spending 10 days in bed barely eating, just drinking wine and staring into the ceiling.

My diagnosis happened during one of my manic episodes. I was also high on coke and meth, because why not, right? I was reading about psychology and tried once again to figure out what the hell was wrong with me – spoiler alert, nothing was wrong, I just have a mental illness. I knew that borderline or bipolar was not it, it had few elements but not enough.

I remember doing things like getting into a relationship super-fast, and then one day out of blue deciding that I don’t want to be in it any longer, or being a god at work for a week, and then barely being able to work after, and dropping out of university and moving to another country (I decided that on my way home from classes, it was a year that I was supposed to do bachelor’s degree. Scotland was nice though).

Magically, I came across a real-life story. It was about a man who shared his love life stories. It was like reading about myself. On top of that, he mentioned his spending problems and substance abuse, which again sounded so accurate that I could not believe it. He wrote: I have cyclothymia.

I Googled again. It was like hitting a bull’s eye. The symptoms and key thing- the rapid cycling. I felt so relieved, because I could do something about it. I went to the psychiatrist and just talked about my symptoms and got my first prescription for Lamotrigine and anxiety meds.

Fast forward a few months when meds kicked in, it was a different standard of life. My friends told me that it was visible I was calm and more in control, and that it was actually way easier to be around me. As you can imagine I was not the best choice to be ‘the best friend’– I was the fun friend but not that reliable after all. I still have my bad days and will cancel on a friend  if I feel overwhelmed.

I share my condition with people I trust and even some of them reacted in a let’s say, disappointing way. My favorite was, “You are smart enough to manipulate the doctor to get the diagnosis you want, and now you can excuse your poor financial management by mental issues.”

Another hard thing is when your partner doesn’t do the homework. I shared articles, links, blogs and explained personally as well. He thought I was blowing it out of proportion. Long story short, we are not together now.

I explain my condition as being like any other illness, like asthma or diabetes. It is a condition that prevents me from doing some things, but I take my meds. I have obstacles that others don’t. It makes me stronger and more determined, even if occasionally I feel like I want to give up and get into darker times.

What helped me the most was actually reading other people’s stories. Feeling that I am not alone. People shared their tips and tricks on how they handle their mood swings. My trick is to have a ‘validation person’. When I am manic, I overreact. In situations like that I call one of my friends, tell them the story and ask for their opinion. They know it’s no time for sugar coating or taking sides, they know I need objectivity, because I don’t trust myself.

Don’t let anyone diminish cyclothymia as the ‘easiest’ of bipolar disorders, or that it’s way better than depression, because at least you have good days. It’s simply different and causes other issues.