“I felt distant from myself- like that was someone else doing that, although I knew it was me.”

I would say I recognized the feeling of not being ‘right’ in my late 30s, although since being diagnosed I can look back and see signs of bipolar in my 20s.  I am 51 now. I felt worthless and not ‘normal’ around others.  I was overly emotional, agitated and wanted to stay at home and hide, because I thought people would think me odd.  

Sometimes though, I felt, “I’m on top-of-the-world”-type feelings.  I sort of felt like my life was amazing and I would feel like everyone was looking at me. I was diagnosed four years ago and my symptoms have been, for the most part, in check. Basically I felt worthless, but sometimes exuberant.  

I think the worthless feeling was the most intense in my low periods, and the feeling of my life being amazing was the most intense in my manic times.  In my manic times I rarely slept, but in my depressive times it was difficult to get out of bed and took all my effort to hide my feelings from my kids.

I was diagnosed with both Bipolar Type 2 (rapid cycling) and ADHD four years ago, and have been stable for the most part since then.  I still experience those same feelings every once in a while but they are not intense and I’m able to recognize them for what they are.  

I first sought help, though, because I did something completely uncharacteristic of myself. I cheated on my husband.  It lasted a few months and was mostly an emotional affair, but it did turn physical. During that time, I felt distant from myself- like that was someone else doing that, although I knew it was me.  It was like a disconnect within myself.

I had already been diagnosed with ADHD but the symptoms I had been having (feeling off, worthlessness, mania, depression, hypersexuality) plus doing things that I would never have done normally (the affair), showed me that something was definitely wrong with me.  It wore on me, so I decided to get help.

I actually Googled, ‘Psychiatrists near me’, and picked one.  I feel extremely blessed that I connected well with the first one I contacted.  She diagnosed me with bipolar, and actually having a reason for the way I had been feeling was a relief.  Although relieved, I was also frightened about how people would treat me being bipolar.  My psychiatrist pointed out that I’m not bipolar, rather I have bipolar- a medical condition which can be treated.  It’s not my identity.

I have been pretty open about sharing my diagnosis and most people I’ve shared it with have been supportive and understanding.  I do regret telling a few people, including some family, because they have used it against me.  For instance, I discussed my diagnosis with my boss, and one time when I challenged her on something that angered me at work (rightfully so), instead of discussing the issue she said, “Did you take your medicine today?”  I felt that was inappropriate of her to say.

I do feel the medical professionals were/are knowledgeable and understanding about bipolar. Having a routine and exercising help immensely with my well-being, in addition to medication and therapy.  Also having my husband- who speaks the truth to me and helps me recognize when I’m becoming manic- helps a lot.

I definitely believe that there is still a stigma.  First of all, the term ‘bipolar’ is thrown out a lot in our society as a diatribe against those who might not act typically in the moment.  I’ve witnessed a neurotypical person, who is otherwise even-keeled, being called bipolar because he was tired and hungry and knee-jerk reacted to someone in a snippy way.  

My own mother will never admit that I, in her terms, “am bipolar”, when I have explained to her what I deal with and the fact that I actually, “have bipolar disorder.”  It would be shameful for her if her friends knew about my condition.

Although I am pretty open to share in most cases (although I don’t shout it out to the world) I know there are people in my life I will never share it with, because they will not bother to learn anything about my condition.  They will for certain judge me as ‘crazy’.

People don’t understand what those of us who suffer with it go through.  In my experience, a lot of people assume it’s when people are angry or happy and that they go back and forth rapidly between those two states of being. I can give you an example from my own work.  

I am a pre-K teacher and in a conference with a student’s parents, the parents said they are thinking of taking their five-year-old to a psychiatrist because they think she might be bipolar.  I asked them why they think that, and they told me some instances where, to me, it was just obvious the child was tired and over-stimulated, so she acted out.  I did not disclose my diagnosis with them (I will admit I’m frightened that parents will not think I’m ‘fit’ to work with their children if they know), but I did educate them a bit on the bipolar condition and on the fact that it doesn’t usually present itself that early in life.

I’d like to be able to tell anyone about my condition and have him or her react with understanding instead of looking at me as ‘crazy’. I would like people to look at those who have bipolar the same way they look at people with diabetes or any long-term/lifelong illness. My illness should not define me, and I don’t want others to define me by it.  

It’s not easy to deal with bipolar and medicine doesn’t solve it; medication makes me more even-keeled. I still feel depressed and worthless sometimes as well as overly confident other times- just not as strongly as without. Having bipolar doesn’t make me lesser in any way.