“People have told their friends not to date me because I have schizophrenia.”

My diagnosis is schizophrenia. I struggle with hallucinations and delusions and also negative symptoms like lack of motivation, not talking much and little desire to interact with the world.

My first psychotic episode was in 2016 when I just couldn’t think straight, and I heard my first voice, which I thought was God speaking to me telling me to, “Love myself”. It was a loud, audible male voice.

I also experienced paranoia at the time about my neighbor, I thought I saw him outside with a shotgun. It was terrifying. I went several years without another episode until 2021 when voices returned, and I began hallucinating a dark shadow figure in my house. In a psychotic state I got in trouble with the law, which is the thing that led to my official diagnosis.

I’ve lost most of my relationships except for my parents. My brother doesn’t speak to me anymore, and I don’t have any close friends at all. When trying to date, people don’t understand schizophrenia. I’ve been asked questions like, “Well, you won’t kill me in my sleep will you?”. People have told their friends not to date me because I have schizophrenia. I don’t want to keep my diagnosis a secret, because someone worth it will understand me, but I have yet to find that person.

I’ve been an inpatient twice, once in 2018 when I wanted to drive into a tree, and again in 2021 when I attempted suicide by overdose. I found my first inpatient experience to be helpful as I socialized with other patients and found it therapeutic. My second experience was traumatizing and I still think about it often, because I felt so trapped and enclosed, and I wasn’t on the right medicine so my anxiety was through the roof. I was also put in four-point restraints that time which was traumatizing to me. It took about seven months of a miserable medication trial and error period before I found a good antipsychotic for me, which is Abilify. Now, I feel better than I have in years.

My aunt has schizophrenia but she is the only one I know with it. Other than my doctor and therapist, I found others with schizophrenia on Instagram that I follow and they follow me back. I’ve found a few people on there that are very open about their experiences. Other than that, I feel like I’m winging it on my own.

I wish people knew that it doesn’t mean I’m violent. People are scared of those with schizophrenia when they shouldn’t be. I feel less than hopeful about the future. I thought I’d be married with a career by now. I’m also worried about future psychotic episodes, I’m worried about my medication no longer working and I worry about my health insurance changing and not being able to access my medication in the future.