“When most people think of sociopaths or psychopaths they usually imagine a male.”

I have never formally been diagnosed with Antisocial Personality Disorder (ASPD), but I believe I have it. Or at least, ASPD traits: enough to firmly place me in the sociopath bracket.

I don’t believe myself to be a psychopath, however- I do have a sense of right and wrong and a conscience, but I have the ability override this quite easily to help me get what I want.

I appreciate that since I don’t have a diagnosis, my story may not reflect others with ASPD. This is just my perspective and I hope it might help others who are experiencing something similar to seek a diagnosis or support. I have been in therapy for a while and whilst my therapist agrees I meet the criteria to qualify for an ASPD diagnosis, it isn’t down on paper.

I was always a difficult child. The word that used to get used a lot is ‘obtuse’ and I think it fits pretty well. I was defiant and argumentative, but as I got older, this loud rebellion where I questioned all the rules gave way to more subtle acts of insolence. I became quietly deceitful. In particular my siblings suffered from this. I was a master at getting away with things and allowing- even orchestrating- others to take the blame.

I would encourage friends to do things we knew were forbidden- like going into town without permission, or staying out later than we were allowed to- and instigate situations where I knew they would get into trouble.

My favourite used to be ‘dares’ where I would get them to do something they either knew they shouldn’t be doing, or would get into a lot of trouble for, and set it up so that they got caught. I found their fear and shame amusing and the thrill of getting them in trouble was addictive. Though bizarrely, it only happened very rarely that people twigged I was the cause.

Some parents sensed that I was not to be trusted and their offspring were duly warned to stay away from me. But since I had no real concept of close friendship or empathy, I wasn’t bothered when they stopped hanging around with me. I simply sought out my next source of entertainment until I got bored with them.

It wasn’t just other people I got to do bad things for my own amusement. I did plenty myself.  One of the worst things I did was when I was five years old. There was a girl in my class who was universally disliked and picked on. One day I decided to take some small, smooth stones from the garden in the playground and wrapped them in empty sweet wrappers.

 As I offered them to her and she took them from me, I watched her unwrap them so quickly that she didn’t notice the contents. I did nothing to stop her from putting them in her mouth. It was a dinner lady who had watched the whole thing and intervened, shouting at me that this girl could have choked or smashed all of her teeth. Of course I knew that this could happen, that’s why I did it. But I didn’t care.

Of course, because I was so small, nobody really thought anything of it. I sometimes think about that girl. She left not long afterwards. I question whether she ever thinks back to that moment when we were five years old and wonders if I’ve turned out to be a sociopath.

As I went through high school, my behaviours intensified. Being a teenage girl in a secondary school, of course I was involved in my fair share of drama. If there had been a GCSE in s**t-stirring, I would have got the top grade. I meddled in relationships, spread rumours and played friends off against each other. But I always did it so subtly that nobody could really pinpoint that I was the source of all of this. The truth was that I found life so mind-numbingly boring that friends were just pawns that I used in games to amuse myself.

One habit that I used to have was shoplifting and I roped my friends in for that ride too. Of course I never got caught. I’m not proud to say that sometimes when I need a buzz, I’ll steal something from a shop even now. It’s not that I particularly want the stuff- it just relieves the constant boredom I feel.

I also take drugs as a distraction from how mundane life can be. But this has got me in trouble in the past. At university I gave drugs to a friend I knew was vulnerable health-wise and they ended up very sick in hospital. That was probably one of the only times I felt genuine remorse for my actions prior to entering therapy. It’s not that I have no feelings at all, I just find they only apply to certain people. This was a person I actually liked, so I did feel bad for what I did and not just because I was worried what the consequences would be for me. But it doesn’t change the fact that I didn’t have their best interests at heart when I did it.

I had no real attachments to anyone back then, not the kind of deep bonds of ‘best friends’. I had friends that I socialised with and who would have classed me as a friend but I kept them emotionally at a distance. I would share just enough about my personal life to let them think I trusted them without ever giving anything away about myself. Anything I learned about them was safely stored away in case I needed to use it against them later. Yet I was always popular and well liked in school. I was also academically gifted, so I got away with a lot of bad behaviour because teachers recognised my potential.

Because of this, I lied all the time. I didn’t see any point in being honest when I wasn’t invested in someone, so I may as well toy with them.  I saw no reason to confide in them. Friends were a convenience. Having friends meant that bullies left you alone and you weren’t an outcast. And being an outcast would have meant I couldn’t camouflage my behaviours within my friendship circle.

I’ve read quite a lot about how aggression features in ASPD. I did get involved in fights at school but I wouldn’t say I have ever been particularly physically aggressive. Where I have always excelled is at being manipulative. I’m very good at ‘planting seeds’. I then wind people up and watch them go. Mind-f**k them, if you will. Or I will rip them to shreds under the pretense of a ‘joke’- people dismiss it as me having a mean sense of humour, but I know exactly what I’m doing.  

In a strange way I consider my ability to dictate situations a kind of talent. It’s not something that most people can do and it requires a certain finesse.

Relationships are a strange one for me. I think most people think people with ASPD don’t have feelings but I don’t believe that’s true. I don’t think I experience feelings in the same way as people without ASPD, but they are there. This is something that has come with time.

I feel affection for people I’m close to but they are few and far between. Friendships rarely last. Even when I’m not actively looking to gain from a friendship, I am neglectful of the needs of others by not asking how they are, remembering special occasions or taking an interest in their life. I can also be quite rude and abrupt because I don’t see the point in pleasantries. Unless I want something in which case I go on the charm offensive.

When I was younger I saw relationships as yet another means of manipulation. I would steal boyfriends- firstly because the idea of monogamy was ludicrous to me- how can you ‘own’ a person?- and secondly it was usually done as retribution to a girl who I felt had wronged me.

Relationships never lasted because I got bored so quickly and couldn’t properly attach. I never felt I met anyone who was my equal, so I cheated all the time and lied about it. Not to save anyone else’s feelings, just because it made my life easier.

I still don’t believe I’ve ever felt love properly. Lust, for sure. But I’ve never experienced the kind of emotions people speak about when they talk about love. I’m single and have been for a while now and I’m trying to figure out my stance on monogamy and if it’s something I believe in. I get bored with people very quickly and open relationships appeal for this reason. I do try to treat people much better now than I used to though.

I’ve never been physically abusive but I do reflect on things I’ve done and think that they could be considered emotional abuse or coercive control. For example when I’ve dated guys before, I have persuaded them to spend lots of money on me even when I knew they couldn’t really afford it, and I’ve guilted them into sex. I don’t feel good about those things now and I’m working on recognising and respecting boundaries and correct behaviour in relationships with my therapist. I know many therapists won’t work with ASPD so I’m lucky to have found one who is not only willing to, but who doesn’t judge me either.

One of the things that keeps coming up in the debate about ASPD is that you can’t have ASPD if you think you have it. That is, that people with ASPD generally don’t recognise there is a problem, and if they do, they won’t accept help. I had already been in therapy for over a year when I realised I probably had ASPD. I went into therapy for altogether different reasons- I had a chaotic childhood with dozens of broken-down foster care placements and also experienced sexual abuse, and I already suspected this was at the root of most of my problems with relationships. I’m sure if I hadn’t had therapy I’d still be oblivious to having ASPD. As far as I was concerned it was everyone else who was the problem, not me. I only went to therapy initially because a family member paid for it after they got sick of my behaviour.

As I got older I developed an interest in psychology. I was also fascinated by the concept of emotional intelligence, probably because I had little to none. It was through this and constant ‘watching’ of how people interacted that I began to absorb the norms of society and act in accordance with them. Probably because of a lack of parenting or positive role models when I was very young, I never had the opportunity to internalise the values and norms of society so my behaviour was often out of kilter with them. I’ve also got much better at ‘masking’ my behaviours and ‘mirroring’ others to appear more socially acceptable.

I find the stereotypes about ASPD quite strange. I can’t think of a single psychopathic/ sociopathic character in a TV show, film or book that I can relate to. The idea that we all want to murder people is really odd to me. Another one is that we maim or kill animals. Because I lack empathy, I don’t care much for animals. But that doesn’t mean I would want to harm one. I simply won’t get a pet because I don’t like them.  The same goes for children. I can’t imagine feeling an attachment to a child, so I won’t have any. That doesn’t mean I want to murder them.

I haven’t told many people about suspecting I have ASPD. I actually think that unless I did tell someone they wouldn’t be able to guess because of how much I mask. For a start I’m female- when most people think of sociopaths or psychopaths they usually imagine a male.

I also think people have a hard time understanding personality disorders in general. When they hear antisocial, they imagine something closer to schizoid or avoidant personality disorder. There is also a lot of confusion between ASPD and NPD. We aren’t the same but the terms get used interchangeably by people who have no clue what they’re talking about. It’s easier most of the time to not say anything because I can’t be bothered to keep explaining it and tackling the constant misconceptions.

It’s also really annoying when people ask me what it’s like to be sociopath. How do I know? I have nothing to compare it to. I’ve never not been a sociopath. But I do think there are advantages to having little to no empathy or remorse. It definitely seems to be a more stress-free life when you don’t care about the consequences of your actions. I mean, that’s obvious.

I was dating one guy and I told him a few months in. I was actually expecting him to run a mile but he didn’t. In fact the opposite happened and he seemed to find it quite ‘sexy’. I think in some ways psychopathy has been fetishised or romanticised because of the media portrayal of murderers as mysterious and brooding. I found his reaction really weird and dumped him, because I didn’t want to be with someone who couldn’t see me for who I was beyond the ASPD label.

I think the internet is responsible for a lot of these distorted views. I’ve seen a few videos on apps where people are talking about having ASPD and it’s clear that they have watched TikTok videos and decided they have it to be ‘cool’. It actually makes me cringe for them as it’s so obvious. The same goes for people who brag about it online. I used to use online forums quite a lot but now they’re flooded with ASPD wannabes who seem to think it’s fun to live with. Many of us have gone through trauma and abuse and that’s why we are the way we are. If you think that’s cool, you’re an idiot.

ASPD has never interfered with my ability to work day to day. I don’t want to reveal many details about my employment because I think the stigma of being a sociopath is so large that it would negatively impact my career if anyone worked out who I was. Professionally I am damn near the top of my game. Prior to this, I was in a series of short-lived jobs because I would get bored so fast.  

My current role involves a lot of competition which I find stimulating. I’d be lying if I said my charisma and ability to manipulate haven’t helped with this. What I will say is that I spend a fair amount of time online conversing with other people with ASPD since there is so little understanding in society about cluster B disorders, and I have been surprised at the amount of people with this condition working in the police force and legal system.

One of the things I struggle with is whether I am a ‘bad person’. I don’t believe ASPD makes me a bad person. But I believe I’ve done bad things and I’m trying to change. I find it difficult to take accountability for my actions at times and I still do things without regard for the consequences. Sometimes I don’t believe I have ASPD at all, and I just think it’s my personality to be an a******e.

I’m not writing this trying to convince people everyone with ASPD is great or that we deserve sympathy. Obviously I recognise that we can do a lot of harm and in some instances be abusive and destructive to those around us and I’m fortunate to have insight. You also can’t discount the fact some of this is probably my personality rather than just ASPD. I am a person outside of my condition and maybe others with ASPD will read this and think what I’m describing doesn’t reflect their own experience. We’re all different at the end of the day.

But I do want people with ASPD to know that there is hope and if you do want to change, you can. And for people without ASPD, to understand that this is a mental illness and we haven’t chosen it and nor can we ‘just stop’ our behaviour, at least not without professional help.