“I isolate myself and can’t form deep connections with anyone because I am too attached to my alters.”

I started to feel something was off when I was 16. I lost memories and moments, and I also lost contact with feelings that I was unable to feel. For example, when I experienced a happy moment I couldn’t feel happy at all, so I faked emotions mostly. I started to see myself differently in the mirror. I argued with myself and saw different people, like I was possessed. I also felt like I was out of my body and could see someone else inside. It was frustrating, but no one noticed it and people believed it was just mood swings.

I isolate myself and can’t form deep connections with anyone because I am too attached to my alters. Work and education aren’t really a problem because I am a workaholic, but I have trouble with taking a break or rest, because when I don’t do anything I start to dissociate and forget things again.

I know of six alters so far. We work together as a system. The closest one is Nico. He is the sun of our system. He is extroverted, very friendly, outgoing and able to handle and solve any internal issue with society or relationships. He is close to every one of us.

Second is Louise. She deals with things I should enjoy, but I can’t. Her triggers are food, fun activities, games and also sexual intimacy. Due to her carefree traits, she is able to enjoy having fun with no worries.

The third alter is Wiz, a persecutor. He protects us by shutting everyone off, setting a bold boundary where no one can keep us close. He often hurts us and points out our flaws due to our incapability to deal with the outer world.

Forth is Wiz 2.0. Just like Wiz, he is a persecutor but he is an extroverted version where he is able to hurt people who cross our boundaries to protect us. He also keeps us standing strong in hard situations.

Fifth is Morgan. She fronts when my emotions are too strong. She deals with sadness and anxiety. She is mostly scared, and a worrier. We protect her and calm her down.

Sixth is Sofia, she is the organizer. She plans everything and organizes all aspects of life when she is needed. A perfectionist, but the right person to ask when life is messed up.

We write journals and have a task board to focus on what each alter should do, but when it comes to discussion with everyone, we just set time and talk.

The people around me don’t know about/believe in DID, so they just simply think I’m weird, confusing, hallucinating or unstable. The professionals I went to didn’t know much about DID either, so they misdiagnosed us with ADHD, Bipolar and Borderline Personality Disorder. They also dosed us with medicines that shut our body down, but not our mind, so we stopped going to therapy for a while because of having not so supportive and understanding people around us.

I found that I had alters by speaking to friends trained in psychology who saw my alters and talked to them. They told me and the alters about it after years of talking.

I want to let all DID survivors to know that we are cursed and gifted with this superpower. As a system, my biggest support and help is my own alters that I love more than anyone I’ve ever met.

My advice is to learn your system, see how amazing it is and appreciate that it is a real miracle that you own. Make peace with your alters; befriend them, listen and talk to them. Once you feel the deep connection with each other, you will feel no one is as lucky as you to have such amazing people in your life, and no one can understand how it feels, just you. It’s a genuine love where you don’t seek validation from the outer world.

I wish people knew DID is something real. Just because people have been known to fake it, it doesn’t mean it doesn’t exist. I wish they knew DID is not form of attention-seeking or validation seeking, because all we have been doing is hiding it from society.

Representation of DID in the media often sees us mistaken as a violent, mad people or attention seekers, but in real life we tend to hide and harm ourselves, with nobody knowing.

I wish that there was more education around mental illness, so people validated mental issues more. People don’t have to understand- they just have to not judge based on what they see.