“I worry about scaring people off or making them feel unsafe or uncomfortable.”

I knew I was mentally ill pretty early on. I remember being in either sixth or seventh grade, and over one of my summers, I was just hit with my first round of depression. I was crying for hours for no reason and I just could no longer do anything.

One of my friends told me, “Hey, you have depression. You need to see a therapist.” I did and she diagnosed me first with depression. Then I was diagnosed with anxiety and insomnia in some psych ward stays. Also, probably around 16, I started telling my team that I thought I may be bipolar. I was dismissed at that time, because they felt uncomfortable with diagnosing when teenage brains can change.

When I turned 19, I was diagnosed on the bipolar spectrum and now at 21, I’ve been fully diagnosed as Bipolar Type 1. Also- and this is the biggest one- I was recently diagnosed with DID. I remember hearing voices probably as far back as 15, but I was again dismissed as just having ‘normal’ depression. When I turned 19, I became aware for the first time that I was a system. My therapist tells me that I was of course a system before, but the events that happened at 19 caused me to become aware.

My therapist was the one who diagnosed me. During sessions we would talk and I would say stuff like, “I have almost all the criteria, but I’m not diagnosed yet”, and she eventually asked me what criteria I don’t have and I was like, “I don’t know, I’m just saying that until I’m diagnosed in case I am wrong.” She told me I am not wrong and she’s diagnosing me now. I find labels to be helpful, and I think she was a little over me dismissing a lot of my issues because I wouldn’t go in to get properly diagnosed.

But with that said, recently I had another psych hospital and honestly, the doctors had no idea what they were doing with me. None of the staff did. I would say for the most part, they were respectful and polite enough, but they clearly did not know what was going on. It was a little shocking because I thought out of anywhere, the psych hospital would know what was going on. I also butt heads a little bit with my own psychiatrist because I don’t think he fully understands. I feel like my therapist really hears me and understands, and also she has been working in serious trauma work for a long time and has met systems before me.

My day to day symptoms started with inability to move because I was so depressed. I stopped showering and brushing my teeth and hair. I was sleeping either very little or way too much because of the way insomnia and depression were clashing. I also experienced horrific nightmares constantly. Lastly, I was having debilitating, hours-long panic attacks. I passed out a few times from them. After I split at 19, I stopped having panic attacks because I would dissociate.

Now, I’m still depressed, but less so, probably due to the meds. Also my alters do their jobs well, including taking care of the body. We still have horrible nightmares more often than not. The new factor is the frequency in which I have manic, followed-up depressive episodes. It has made the depression easier, because at a younger age, it was persistent. Now oftentimes, I am depressed for X period, followed by mania, so I know that I will eventually experience ‘relief’.

There are currently 10 active alters (two are in dormancy). I, Panda, am the host. That just means that I do the majority of the life things, and am the primary fronting person. I am currently a student at university.

Next, there’s Jessie. He’s our primary protector. He handles triggering events most of the time. We also call him the mother goose (he hates it) because he coordinates everything and keeps tabs on everyone. Our inner world is set up with rooms bordering a ‘living room’, so part of his job is to go to each room and check on those who don’t come out. He is also the primary childcare provider to our smallest little. So most of his day, he is playing with and caring for her, does rounds, and manages triggers when they come up.

Next, our little is five. She spends most of her time playing, cuddling with someone, and taking frequent naps. She spends her time with primarily Jessie and Margaret, but also does her own ‘rounds’ where she takes turns getting into people’s laps for snuggles. Her best friend, Jasper, is shy so she also visits him in his room. Also, she has snack time at night, which is the only scheduled switch we have. Right now, she’s been watching MLP before bed.

Next is Margaret. She is the caregiver/soother. She spends most of her time in her rocking chair right at the border of co-conscious and non-fronting. That way she can be aware of context around triggering events, without being invasive. She’s a prim and proper lady, so she doesn’t want to be involved in my cussing and other shenanigans. She mostly helps the little and I, but can theoretically be around for anyone who needs support. She’s the most respected, so what she says goes. She’s also best friends with Cynthia.

Cynthia is our secondary protector. She’s less sociable and cruder than anyone else, which is why she only handles emergencies if Jessie is busy doing something else or can’t find childcare. I don’t like her fronting because I’m always worried about what she will say or do. I love her relationship with Margaret because they are so opposite. Cynthia was in a relationship with Fern before they went dormant, which happened somewhat recently.

Next are Jasper, 13, and Cameron, 21. They are both shy beans and they room together. I’ve never been invited in, but from my understanding, they mostly play video games together all day. Sometimes Jasper will come sit in the living room with our little, or sometimes front to see cute animals, but otherwise stays holed up.

I rarely ever see Cameron, and he almost never leaves his room for anything. Cameron’s twin, Caroline, sometimes visits him. Caroline is our sexual alter, meaning she is more flirty and promiscuous than I will ever be. Her morals are pretty non-existent, so we especially don’t like her fronting. She has left the body in pretty compromising and stressful positions, so she’s been low-key banned from fronting without permission (from the two protectors). She of course can still front if she tries hard enough, but she will for sure get in trouble.

Right now, she’s in a relationship of sorts with Timothy, our persecutor. I don’t like him and don’t trust him, and he’s also been blacklisted because he’s so awful. Again, he still slips through very occasionally, and is given consequences.

Finally, our last alter is Melanie. She stays holed up in her room all day also. She is the most depressed and is rarely doing well. Jessie checks on her as part of his rounds. She has been given the option to front at night to cross stitch, as a coping skill, which she sometimes does.

And lastly, yes, there are conflicts within the system. Jessie and Cynth can butt heads sometimes because they are doing similar jobs, but approach things very differently. As mentioned, Caroline and Timothy are not allowed to front, but sometimes do, so that’s another huge drama. Melanie vs Jessie and Cynth is another big one. She wants to end our life, and their jobs are to prevent that, so that’s always rough. I lovingly get into conflict with Cynth sometimes, because she’s so abrasive. So yes, there is a lot of conflict, but they are able to keep it together, oftentimes by just splitting up into their own rooms.

In terms of my family, it is frustrating because I constantly have to advocate for myself that this is real and that my childhood was hard and bad, and the things that have resulted are painful. I don’t think that they believe me, because DID is so sensationalized right now, but it doesn’t matter. They don’t need to.

It also has affected the way I make friends. I dissociate all the time, and that can make people uncomfortable. Also, on top of that, I have severe mood dysregulation and chronic pain, so I feel like a high maintenance friend. Also, obviously, I am really open about my DID, but I also recognize that there are times I need to tread lightly. I cannot expose too much and put us at risk, but unfortunately, some people suck.

Also, I worry about scaring people off or making them feel unsafe or uncomfortable. Again, Cynth is really mean, and that can be a shock, especially if you don’t understand DID. One day I’m being kind and gentle, and then suddenly I’m saying nasty things for no reason.

I think the DID especially affects my education. Obviously, associated with DID, comes severe memory issues. I can be triggered by almost anything, which means I dissociate and then I’m not processing what my professor is saying. So that can be a problem, but at least most of my classes are now recorded.

Often, when I do dissociate, Jessie will try to take notes for me, but to put this bluntly, he’s not a good student. Self-admittedly, he’s really bad and doesn’t understand anything. Which again, sometimes people see me and expect me to know answers, but he doesn’t, and it is stressful. DID makes literally every part of life harder.

I know of a few systems on social media and I love them dearly. They are so supportive and it’s wonderful to connect with someone in this way. Also the friends I do have are amazing. A few of my friends are friends with the other alters. I feel so supported and loved. I’m able to talk openly w my friends about my alters and tell them about the drama and the weird things always happening. My alters also feel seen and validated by my real life friends, which is so important.

I think depictions of DID are so complicated. Obviously Switch was so bad. But also I feel like Moon Knight wasn’t perfect, but I could still resonate with it. I think it’s a tricky time to be trying to portray DID because there is a lot of misinformation. Or also there are systems online trying to make the best of their existence, and people can confuse that with symptoms and diagnostic criteria. In certain spaces, DID is more of a fun, quirky disorder, rather than a disabling one. And again, I think that that makes it difficult to show in mainstream media when there is so much info out there.

I mean aside from the hardships have a dissociative disorder brings, it has also brought me so much joy and comfort. I’m literally never alone and I don’t need to manage the hard things by myself. It’s easier for me to care about my life and body because it’s not just me that I’m affecting me. I’m holding 10+ lives along with mine. As the way my therapist explained to me, DID is a way my brain saved me. Yes, it can be hard and it would have been great if I wasn’t treated so poorly my brain broke, but since these are the cards I’ve been given, I am blessed my brain worked to protect me.

I would say for anyone supporting someone with DID, I think it’s important to not minimize or exaggerate it. It’s not an easy breezy thing to deal with, but it’s also not ‘scary’ and I’m not dangerous now. I think approaching conversations with curiosity and kindness are important. Not everyone wants to be open or have everyone meet their alters, and that’s ok.

For us, we feel most seen and validated when my friends want to spend time with us, and make inside jokes and make plans. But again, not every system is like that. It’s important to have those conversations, depending on both party’s level of comfort, and find out together what feels good and validating; what feels safe.

Also I love it when my friends and family do research. It’s nice and all to educate, but it can also be exhausting. It feels relieving for me when someone says something like, “I looked it up and this is how this website describes protectors. You said Jessie was yours. Does this sound like him?” That opened up a dialogue, showed me you care, and also Jessie now feels a little more comfortable meeting you because you have a baseline understanding of him and his role.

If nothing else, just continue to treat the system as a regular person. Don’t skirt around them or make them feel odd. I feel most comfortable when we switch and the person we are talking to takes it in their stride. Oh, new person? Got it!