“I think it is very deeply misunderstood that people who have ASPD feel absolutely nothing.”

As a child, I often remember having to make myself ‘fit in’. I learned to mask my lack of certain emotions early on. I remember not being sad, and not having childhood crushes or understanding a ‘point’ in these emotions- although if you had them, more people liked you. Now, the day to day symptoms I experience are apathy, avolition, boredom, depression and anhedonia.

It is challenging to access treatment for ASPD, I find. I had explained over several appointments and to different psychologists about my findings from researching my symptoms and experiences over the years in order to finally achieve a diagnosis. I was knowledgeable about ASPD beforehand and I was open and transparent about my symptoms, but getting professional help was still difficult.

I have had therapists and psychologists break off their relationships with me as a patient. They felt unable to help me, because they didn’t know how to. I find that rather shocking.

Outside of therapy- although this seems harsh- limiting contact with large groups or numbers of people helps me, as well as reminding myself I am capable of emotions; that I can learn love, happiness and sadness, and that there are other ways to empathize with others aside from affective empathy.

I think it is very deeply misunderstood that people who have ASPD feel absolutely nothing, and have no remorse and cannot change from that character. Even the concept of romantic love is possible for us, however many individuals with ASPD have a lack of emotional depth. We can feel, although shallowly.

I found various reactions disclosing my diagnosis. I found the top reactions are disbelief and immediate stigmatization, followed by not knowing what the disorder is at all. I have had horrible comments made to me for simply disclosing my ASPD, such as suggesting euthanasia because I’m ‘no different than an animal’.

I am very open with my diagnosis, and I hope to destigmatize it through just being myself because that in itself proves them wrong slowly.  It is largely about reminding myself I am not a stereotype, and that I am capable of maintaining my relationships and minimizing impulsive thoughts and manipulative tendencies. People need to realize these thoughts are often irrational and are preventable.  

I typically ignore the negativity and let them know my ASPD does not define me or my actions. It is truly up them to choose stereotype over truth. People with ASPD are just that- people. The portrayal in the media can be highly inaccurate or dramatized and I hope others see past the ‘psycho’ portrayal. It’s been heavily romanticised in media through aesthetics, and I am so glad to be able to shed light on the diagnosis I and many others live with.