“Being human is a concept that is very difficult for me to grasp.”

It all started in my teenage years. I always knew I was somehow ‘weird’. After I had my child in 2010 I really knew that something was off, since I didn’t feel all the things that a parent should feel. I already knew I had depression but I couldn’t afford to go to therapy until about 2020.

My therapist mentioned Schizoid Personality Disorder (SPD) and I did research into it. My symptoms are mostly apathy and disconnection. I also prefer to be alone, thus I get very anxious in places with people. When I get out, I want to go back in. So I tend to only move when necessary.

SPD has a lot of overlapping symptoms with autism and gets misdiagnosed as such very often. Anhedonia is another symptom that I have. Everything is a flat for me. I practically do not enjoy anything anymore.

Relatives die, I don’t mind. People abandon me, I don’t mind. I don’t feel love or care or loss. I generally don’t miss people. I also have a very distorted self image. Being human is a concept that is very difficult for me to grasp.

SPD is one of those things that practically one can choose to work on or not. I didn’t mind about anything besides bringing up a person more mentally healthy than me. So we found ways of me expressing feelings towards my child without me feeling oppressed in doing so, or feeling that these feelings are fake.

Being a schizoid makes one being driven by logic. So I am able to logically express to my child that I do care for them enough to ensure that they become a healthy adult, and that I am always there for them when they need me.

The things that remain difficult are any human relationship really. Emotions do not follow logic and everything about that frustrates me. So human relationships are very hard for me. I always mask which is exhausting.

Unfortunately we live in a society that forces us to be social if we want to achieve anything. It is extremely difficult for people to accept that solitude is not rejection. I also find myself explaining to people that me not feeling empathy does not mean that I am a serial killer.

I can understand why people feel the feels, I just cannot feel them myself. Any physical touch is extremely difficult for me, so people feel rejected by me very often.

I would say that SPD made me a great problem solver. Being driven by logic and seeing people as tasks that present problems, SPD made me a very good worker. I was working in customer service for about 17 years so SPD made me a great helper of people- I was unknowingly training myself into faking empathy and responding appropriately to people. I have a technical job now and SPD has helped me to be better at that as well.

Education wise, as a lot of schizoids do, I leaned towards math and physics. At the same time, having a very vivid imagination made me good in literature and writing too.

I tend to be very open lately. You know, coming up to my 40s, I just don’t give a f**k anymore. I am open about it at work and on the internet. Initially people make jokes about how easy it is living like me, since I don’t have any ‘relationship problems’, or how they should avoid me because I could kill them since I have no empathy, or how I must hear voices because they think it’s the same as schizophrenia. It takes a bit for them to understand but then I get the, “It’s not possible to not feel a certain way about your family, it’s not possible you are not bothered by death and do not miss people,” or even the, “Oh don’t talk about yourself that way- you’re normal!” and of course, “You don’t seem mentally ill.” After a while they just deem me as a weird introvert and I let it stay that way.

Being diagnosed late didn’t help my case as I was growing up. I also grew up during an era where mental health was not a discussion at all. Getting diagnosed and getting older just made me accept myself and cope better with SPD.

SPD has its advantages. It made me self-sufficient and made me learn skills that minimize my need for other people. Not having emotions made me a great problem solver and helped me at my job. It also gave me a very strong sense of justice. Any practical aspect of life I can tackle easily, and that’s because of my SPD.