“BPD is never what outsiders think it is.”

I felt ‘off’, for the lack of better word, even as a small child. I always felt that someone was going to notice that I am not ‘a real person’. I would say I was six or seven years old when those thoughts began. On the daily, I still feel like that- that I’m not a real person. I feel so intensely all the time, I have suicidal thoughts which pop in and out of my head, anger issues and social phobia. Big time. The anger, anxiety, guilt and shame… they just don’t budge.

My first diagnosis was depression with suicidal tendencies, and the therapist I saw as a teen said I just thought dying was the easy way out. Luckily my mum did not accept that, and told her where to go. But I was years without therapy or meds because it was really hard to get to a therapist after that.  So I just sort of survived from 13-20 years old.

After that things got better, but I still didn’t get the borderline diagnosis until I was 35. And even then I’d figured out more or less by myself that that was the root problem and the depression, suicidal tendencies, anxiety and PTSD just accompanied that.

I was also severely anorexic and I got the chance to get into a behavioral therapy group which was pretty new in Slovenia at the time. I must admit that it gave me the tools to survive until my borderline diagnosis. But now I am just left hanging again. Painting, books, music and my animals really help me to cope. They are actually, for me, my suicide prevention squad.

My advice for dealing with someone with BPD is to be patient. Don’t take to heart every word we say- mostly, we can’t help the things we say when upset or angry, but we do recognize we were wrong later and we really do not mean it. Trust me, our own guilt is worse than any resentment.  But we care, even if it seems we don’t.

People see famous people with BPD who are in the spotlight for negative reasons and assume that everyone diagnosed with it is insane, but there are so many different forms of BPD. Most of us feel confused and are afraid to show our real selves, so we get called cold or branded a psycho. But it’s still better than being judged all the time. BPD is never what outsiders think it is.

Ultimately, I am just me. It’s hard to explain. I love life, but have extreme difficulty living it. I would love for people to see and know me more for being funny and wild and artistic and not judge me by the times when I’m not. And I would like people to know that whilst they can always leave if I get to be too much, I can’t ever escape myself.