“As soon as they find out about my diagnosis, they start treating me differently.”

I think I knew I had signs of BPD back as a teenager. I would cry every night and have overwhelming thoughts of bad things that were going to happen, or that I was all alone in the world. Looking back I was really poorly.

I didn’t get diagnosed until my mid 20s with BPD. Day to day, it depends on my stress levels, but there are still overwhelming feelings of emptiness and loneliness some days, difficulties with stress, and not being able to communicate when I’m emotionally overwhelmed. A lot of feelings of disconnection with myself.

I’d end up in horrifically bad relationships facing abuse because I couldn’t recognise a healthy relationship. I didn’t know what healthy boundaries looked like and would put up with things for the sake of not being abandoned. It’s put me in some incredibly vulnerable situations.

At university, the stress sent my BPD symptoms through the roof. I was on an engineering course that left me no time to reset, trying to do extra-curricular activities at the same time. When I dropped out, a housemate said they thought I would be leaving in a bodybag I’d been in such a bad state.

I’d get blackout drunk trying to cope. I got ill at the end of my first year with endometriosis and that’s the only reason I managed to stop drinking.  However it also created a perfect storm and led to a breakdown. I still forced myself back to re-sit the year despite not allowing for mental recovery.

Work is still a bit of a minefield nowadays. I’m ten years on from my uni days, but some of the communication side in a professional setting is difficult. I don’t always understand what an appropriate reaction or conversation is. I get told I overshare a lot. Or little things get me very wound up, and I end up taking that stress home a lot which can make me very unwell again. I do my best to mask it though as I don’t want people at work to know about my BPD due to the stigma.

I was lucky with my GPs at the time having good knowledge of mental health. I’d just been told it was depression and anxiety for years. They said, “I think there’s something else going on beyond that,” and referred me for assessment. I spent 20 minutes with a psychiatrist who diagnosed me. Unfortunately they also decided to change my meds and put me on Quetiapine (I don’t have any psychotic symptoms).

I also felt at the time just providing a diagnosis without any information or support wasn’t helpful. I had to fight to get some specialised counselling on the NHS (DBT still hasn’t been available to me because apparently I’m not unwell enough). The psychologist I saw was really good though and I started making progress for the first time ever.

Experiences with healthcare professionals isn’t always easy though When I have to go to hospital for things, as soon as they find out about my diagnosis, they start treating me differently, like I’m going to be irrational or I’m exaggerating.

It’s meant that I was dismissed when I was in fact struggling with coeliac disease, dismissed when I’ve had a womb infection last year, and when I’ve attended A and E for self-harm, have faced horrific stigma of nurses asking me why I would do something so silly, in front of others in the waiting room.

I’ve found learning how to healthily process anger has helped a lot, and allowing myself to be angry in a situation. I should be- I was learning what is and isn’t healthy in relationships, and letting go of people who were abusive. Role play with counsellor helped with my communication and interpersonal skills.

I did some self-led work using the Marsha Linehan book, and also a book called Human Relationship Skills by Richard Nelson-Jones. Being able to identify what the signs are that I’m going downhill, and activities that bring me back up again has helped (this has been a nightmare since developing a chronic nerve pain condition the other year though, as a lot of my coping mechanisms were exercise or things outside the house that I couldn’t access),  as well as making a conscious effort to keep in touch with people even though it’s difficult, and reaching out for help rather than trying to cope alone (the local crisis cafe was a godsend the other year).

Keeping regular habits is useful. Routine helps a lot, getting decent sleep, not putting too much pressure on myself, and not trying to keep everything inside when I’m feeling crap are all important too.

I’m not open about my diagnosis. Not with friends and not with work colleagues. In previous relationships I’ve been called weak for having BPD or they’ve blamed their own poor behaviour on my BPD. I lost one close friend when I was diagnosed.

I wish people knew that it’s not our fault, it’s a result of trauma, and our brains made paths based on that trauma. It’s difficult to try and relearn and reshape those paths, so please be patient with us. To those with a friend or family member with BPD, know that your BPD person is doing the best they can whilst their brain is making things incredibly difficult for them- learn what their coping methods are to guide them in times of need.