“I actually don’t want think all this, but my brain isn’t co-operating.”

So I was diagnosed with OCD some months back, in particular R-OCD. R-OCD is a specific subtype of OCD relating to relationships. Initial symptoms were that I used to get stuck in a loop about doubting my feelings for my partner. I hated it- I didn’t want to feel them, and almost nothing helped to soothe those emotions.

This used to happen every 2-3 weeks. I used to overthink a lot, and the first 2-3 days felt the lowest, although it would be okay after that. Sometimes, I noticed something about a person which seemed different, and I had this undying urge of telling them so even if I knew it would hurt them. I think I have had these symptoms for over a year and a half now. It was around somewhere in the last 1.5 years that I suspected that I could have OCD.

Initially when it happened, my partner was extremely supportive, but when it started happening every now and then it bothered him, which is understandable. But mostly he has been very supportive. I didn’t even know anything like R-OCD existed. He researched and sent me videos related to R-OCD and asked me if I related to any, which I did. Sometimes it is difficult for him. I felt that he used to misunderstand my emotions and he didn’t understand that I actually don’t want think all this, but my brain isn’t co-operating.

My friends do know about the OCD but my family doesn’t. My family hates the fact that I wash my hands very frequently. One friend understands it- they listen to me rant and support me, but the other one particularly does not understand OCD. She just thinks it means compulsively washing hands. But she supports me too.

I have been given medication, which I did take for some time and then stopped. I had an unpaid therapist but now she’s graduating and she isn’t clinical psychologist, so I don’t have sessions anymore. Often the only thing that makes me feel in control of my OCD is to give in to my compulsions.

R-OCD has helped me realize that in fact I do love my partner a lot because of how much I worry about the relationship. But it is challenging. If I find someone cute other than my boyfriend, then it leads me into thinking that I have feelings for them and that I like them, and it’s a never ending loop. I keep thinking about whether or not I like that person. I ask my friends about their opinion and obviously they reassure me that it’s nothing like that. My mind is just messing with me, that’s it. But the thought gets stuck for at least three days. Its just so mentally exhausting.