“On the surface, I come across very differently to how I feel on the inside.”

I am a 45 year old with an immense life story- ostensibly just a male, discouraged (quiet) BPD sufferer who went undiagnosed for years. I was the golden child of Asian immigrants to the UK- very much Head Boy and all that, but with familial abuse and incipient coping mechanisms like OCD and BDD (Body Dysmorphic Disorder) underneath, life soon went south.

As a young boy, I was very quiet, yet a very high achiever. I developed OCD during childhood.  It was very severe in all forms, but intrusive thoughts were the worst- a lot of abuse from my father instilled fear and unpredictability, and I couldn’t sleep alone. I would have au pairs come and go; I’d get attached and then they’d leave, then another would come along, causing abandonment issues.

At 16, I was going to leave by getting on a plane and going someplace else, but then went to my mum and said I thought I need to see a psychiatrist. I was diagnosed with depression and given Prozac, which helped me come out of my shell. I then tried to kill myself soon after, but was just seen by poor therapists and shamed by my dad. At 19, I entered a specialist OCD treatment unit, which helped a lot.

I wasn’t officially diagnosed until 27/28 with BPD. This was when I was living in the US. My BPD seemed to only really show up with interpersonal relationships with women. I would hurt myself and feel suicidal after a breakup. It seemed to follow a cycle of infatuation followed by suicidal ideation, then once the intense feelings had passed, just not knowing what the fuss was about. 

Looking back, there were other signs that there was a problem. I was hyper-vigilant in social settings and focused on becoming popular. If things didn’t go the way I wanted them to, I’d become easily discouraged and would isolate myself. I had no tantrums, no dissociation, just very low self esteem and a low self worth. I defined myself though how I looked and the girls I would attract. I also had a very complex relationship with my identity. I was deeply uncomfortable with being Asian, and had only white friends and girlfriends to feel like I belonged. I had an intense self-loathing of my skin colour and heritage. 

Once I started benzodiazepines at 23, my behaviour became very unhinged.  There was a lot of promiscuity, substance abuse, acting out when drunk and finding myself in increasingly dangerous situations. I was also obsessively into fitness. I held myself to very high standards, but the inner critic constantly sabotaged me. 

I have always excelled at whatever I put my mind to, but I’ve also burnt out incredibly quickly as well. I have lived all over the world and worked in the film industry, which were amazing experiences, but the flipside is that I have struggled a lot too; I’ve been to several different universities, dropping out of six of them when my interpersonal difficulties became too much to manage. When I did complete my degree, I struggled with consistency. Some terms I got straight As throughout, others I had to withdraw from study and make my grades up later. But sometimes it was also the case that I found the work too easy, so I’d get bored and lose interest because I was ahead of the class.

Another big problem for me during my education was medication. I already wasn’t having the best time with benzos, and when I came off them I didn’t know they were addictive. I was in acute withdrawal, and this meant having to drop out from my programme of study because it was simply too much for me to handle. In fact my benzo addiction nearly cost me my life.

Over the years I’ve made several unsuccessful attempts on my life. I’ve also been in multiple hospitals multiple times, tried what feels like every medication under the sun and seen over 100 therapists. In terms of therapy, I have tried many things to help manage my BPD and OCD, including EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitisation and Reprocessing) therapy and schema therapy, which focused on getting to the root causes of my problems. CBT and exposure therapy were useful in helping me with the OCD and social anxiety, but truthfully the thing that helped most was coming off all medication, bar antidepressants.

I never actually got DBT for my BPD- I was offered it at one hospital, but I was kicked out of the class for being disruptive. I also ran away from an outpatient BPD unit when I was 29, so whilst I have tried lots of things, I have found it a challenge to see things through sometimes. I am very inconsistent; these days more so than ever. It’s especially the case with hygiene, looking after myself and doing most things adults take for granted, like finances and cleaning. 

On the surface, I come across very differently to how I feel on the inside. I am amazing at making friends with anyone. I’m charming, vulnerable and intelligent. Yet this is also my biggest hurdle, as it’s all a smokescreen for how deeply unlovable I feel. I destroy good relationships, I’ve lost friends, my sister, my wife. I don’t keep in contact with people, because as much as I crave human contact, I fear it too.

I also find it difficult to be open about having BPD outside of people I know and trust. Once I knew I had BPD, I was open with close friends and family and it made no difference to how they treated me at all. I obviously am very cautious now discussing it around new people, because BPD is so stigmatised.

I think being a man has made a difference in how I’m viewed with having BPD. I am sure that had I been a female, I would have been diagnosed earlier. Then again if I was female, maybe I would have an eating disorder and be self harming more noticeably. For me, self harm showed up as excessively exercising, so it wasn’t recognised as easily.

My BPD symptoms eased a lot once I married and had a family. I was actually a stay at home dad and can honestly say no one has seen a more devoted father. I was the opposite of my parents. The love I have people see, and the kids know I prioritise them and that they are my life. I feel their pain, and almost always know the right thing to do when it comes to my children. As soon as I became a father I came off medication, except what I essentially needed to function, to ensure I could focus on being the best person I could be for them.

I actually stopped meeting the diagnostic criteria for BPD way back in 2014, but at the moment I’m struggling with symptoms resurfacing again. Now, as I have so much awareness, and am as well as I could be internally, I am fighting an external battle to stay in my kids’ lives following my separation from their mother. This is the newest and most painful chapter of my life coming up, possibly not being next to my kids protecting them and being the parent they need, as they have moved very far away with their mother to another country. I currently only see them during school holidays despite having equal custody. It’s the worst feeling in the world- I am very despondent, and I’m sure this affects them, too. They have been very open about how unhappy they are at the situation, and that they miss me.

Although I currently don’t feel like I have much to live for, I am trying to put my lived experience to good use and am training in psychotherapy. The superpowers of insight, empathy, extensive studies and lived experience have made me a natural therapist. People have often told me they wish I was their therapist, instead of the one they work with. Sometimes I feel like I know too much about everything, having been in multiple rehabs and hospitals, known so many sufferers and been a guinea pig for so many medications. It’s what I should be doing, but life circumstances have come at a terrible time. If there’s one thing I’ve learned though, it’s that I can survive anything life throws at me.