“I spent most of my day distracted by worries about my relationship.”

Last year I was diagnosed with OCD, but my OCD manifests in a very specific way. In fact I had never heard of it before- I was told I had relationship OCD (rOCD).

My original diagnosis was for OCD but my psychiatrist explained that I seemed to display a very particular form of the condition, which centred around a preoccupation with relationships. Whilst I knew that there was definitely something wrong, I hadn’t been expecting to hear that I had such an unknown condition, so I was very surprised.

I’ve always been a worrier so it came as no surprise when I was diagnosed with anxiety (GAD) as a teenager. I had always been shy, insecure and lacking in confidence, so it didn’t come as much of a surprise to anyone when I started dating and my anxieties transferred onto the person I was seeing.

Pretty much from the very beginning, my fears went into overdrive. Most of these worries were centred around whether the person was ‘right’ for me and I was hypervigilant towards anything that could be interpreted as a ‘red flag’ or a sign of incompatibility.

I would pick apart everything they said to assess whether we were compatible long term, and any sign that we didn’t share a similar vision for the future would result in me panicking that I’d made a mistake.

It wasn’t just my partner whose behaviours I would focus on either. I analysed my own too. If I found another man attractive I would wonder if this meant that I wasn’t meant to be with my current partner. I mentally drew up a list of qualities and physical attributes I felt that he would want in a girlfriend and would reflect on it daily, wondering if we were a good fit.

If he spoke to another girl I’d be paranoid wondering if the relationship was a sham and he was secretly planning to leave me for someone else who he saw more as girlfriend material. I’d then compare myself to that girl and analyse how I measured up against the ideal woman I’d created for him. I’d also look for evidence that he might not love me and vice versa.

I interpreted any rejections as my partner losing interest. Rejection could be in any form- taking too long to reply to a text, not responding to something I said out loud or changing the subject, turning down invites to go places or disagreeing with my opinions. I would keep a mental tally of each rejection and used it to reflect on our compatibility together. I would also compare my relationship to my friends’ relationships to gauge if we truly were happy.

I also struggled with intimacy. If my partner wasn’t in the mood for sex, I would take this as an indication that we had different libidos and it wouldn’t work out long term. Either that or I would wonder if they were no longer attracted to me. If it was me who didn’t feel like it, then I would start to doubt whether I was still attracted to them. I found the transition between the honeymoon phase and the ‘comfortable’ stage of the relationship especially hard, as I feared that the change meant he was losing interest in me.

The thoughts I had about the relationship were nonstop and intrusive. I spent most of my day distracted by worries about my relationship, if we were right for each other, if I was good enough and whether we had enough in common and the same future aspirations. I was also consumed with thoughts that I might not be in love ‘enough’ and that I was wasting both mine and my partner’s time.

I couldn’t seem to relax and enjoy being in a relationship and spending time in the other person’s company. In fact, most of the time I just felt paranoid and miserable as I was always looking for something to silently criticise.

I never spoke to my partner about how I felt. I worried that it might make me sound crazy or push him away if he knew how I really felt, although sometimes the endless anxiety over the relationship made me quiet and distant and I’m sure he must have known something was wrong.

I was already seeing a therapist due to my anxiety and often spoke about my relationship issues. When she first mentioned rOCD, I thought it was ridiculous. It sounded totally made up. But the more we spoke, the more I realised that I could recognise myself in each of the symptoms. As well as the intrusive and obsessive thoughts, she helped me to realise I was also engaging in compulsions.

Many of the compulsions were behaviours I had never thought to question before. For example I would often have sex with my partner when I didn’t feel 100% into it to reassure myself that I was still sexually attracted to him, although I do want to stress he never pressured me and I always consented to sexual activity with him.

I could also be quite ‘needy’, trying to provoke a response from him to reassure myself that he still loved me. I would also create scenarios to test his commitment to me, for example not contacting him unless he contacted me first- if he didn’t contact me first, then in my head it was proof that he didn’t really love me.

I also annoyed my family and friends by seeking reassurance from them too. I spoke about my relationship all the time, telling them various situations to gain their perspective and reinforce my views. I know this pushed many of them away as I always found a way to bring the conversation back to my relationship insecurities. Most of them couldn’t see any issue and they would tell me I needed to relax and enjoy the relationship more without winding myself up worrying about whether it was ‘forever’ or not. But I couldn’t.

I am working on strategies at the moment to help me manage my relationship OCD. It’s not something I plan to disclose to friends and family. I also don’t feel I can discuss it with my boyfriend. To be honest I find it a little bit embarrassing to be so obsessive over a relationship. Society tells us we’re supposed to take it slow, play it cool and not be needy and paranoid, which all reinforce my feelings of shame.

Relationship OCD takes away all the fun from being in a relationship and I hate feeling this way.