“I am expected to look after everyone else, but who is looking out for me?”

I am a secondary school teacher and I have been diagnosed with anxiety. A number of doctors have suggested other mental health diagnoses, from OCD to schizophrenia, but I have not stayed in one service long enough for a definitive diagnosis. I have been through CBT, where each session was spent reviewing the same questionnaire, rather than working on the causes of my anxiety, or strategies for how to deal with it.

This year, I had what some might call a ‘breakdown’, or mental health crisis. I simply could not cope with the constant chatter inside my head, and was referred to extra NHS services. I had one phone consultation, and was sent a letter, directing me back to my GP. One reason given was that during the call, I had demonstrated humour, as if that invalidated all of my issues and was a clear sign that I was completely fine.

Work can be challenging. Whilst colleagues display support straight after a meltdown, once I seem better on the outside, it is all forgotten about, and demands are put back on me. As my anxiety makes me something of a perfectionist, it encourages me to do well at my job, and so there is little incentive for managers to disrupt that. As a head of department, I am expected to look after everyone else, but who is looking out for me? I feel that there is a real lack of understanding about how people’s actions and flippant comments can really affect those with mental health issues.

One positive I can take from my issues is that I feel that I can recognise mental health struggles in students, and my honesty about my struggles let them know that it’s OK. This has helped me form great bonds with some of those students who might feel lost.