“I am not a monster lurking in the darkness waiting for some victim to manipulate out of boredom or need for love.”

So I have Narcissistic Personality Disorder and other conditions, but surprisingly NPD is the one that impacts my sexuality the most. I have no empathy, I feel very superior and entitled and my self-worth depends on other people very much. I think you can imagine well how that works in relationships…

A lot of people believe narcissists are abusive. I would like to say that even when I wasn’t self-aware, I never abused someone, intentionally or not. I would describe myself as a pretty emotionally mature person- my friends would actually describe me as scarily emotionally mature. I like to self-analyze a lot, but that might be down to my autism though.

I have two best friends who both know about my diagnosis. One is a childhood friend who I told everything to, so they knew about my problems with empathy even before I got diagnosed. Self-analyzing actually helped a lot with figuring out I have NPD and getting a diagnosis later.

I would like to say I’m a good friend to the people I care about and a generally good person to those I don’t. I’ve been in two relationships in total.

The first was before I realized I was trans and aromantic asexual. So it was a trainwreck. The other person was actually slightly manipulative and pushy, which only made me realize I was not sexually attracted to them at all.

The second one I would describe as my soulmate. It was a long distance relationship and lasted about half a year. I was not the best partner thought, which I believe was definitely caused by my NPD. Whenever we got into a light hearted, “I love you more” argument, I could either lie and continue bickering (even though I knew I didn’t love them more than they did me) or I could give up and hurt their feelings.

In most cases I playfully conceded. I was pretty emotionally distant. I couldn’t love them the same way, even though I would say that is the only time I felt love in my life. The fact that it was long distance pretty much doomed the relationship. We stayed friends and there are no hard feelings, it brought a lot to us both and we are very grateful for the fact that we met.

I want to get to the point where I said I identify as aromantic asexual. I questioned many times whether it’s my sexuality, or if I just cant love because of my NPD. I still don’t actually know, being aroace is definitely a spectrum and I do like the idea of a relationship. Not for the reasons you would think though.

I often catch myself thinking I would want to date someone out of boredom, because if I had someone that loved me I would get attention, validation and affection, or ‘supply’, as people call it. I think that’s definitely not a healthy way to think and I realize it would hurt the person I would be dating, especially if I’m not sure I would even be romantically attracted to them.

Also my ‘type’ or ideal person is very much shaped by my NPD but also by my gender dysphoria. I’m genderqueer but I also label myself as a trans man. My partner would have to be smaller than me, submissive and someone that would not make me dysphoric and someone that I would feel superior next to (this is very much not healthy and I know that). I think I have a big issue with how I view people.

Broadly speaking, how I view others falls into three categories:

1. These are the ones I view as superior to me; Role models, older people, figures of authority, people I feel intimidated by. I hate them and I’m scared of them, I feel entitled and whenever I see someone as better than me, I get very angry at them for no reason (my first ex falls into this category).

2. These are my equals; I have one (and a half, kind of). They are the childhood best friend I mentioned. They’re actually five years younger than me, which in most cases makes me look down on people, but I think he’s the only person I view as a true equal. The second is my second best friend (not second ‘best’, both are my best friends). The only reason why I didn’t fully put them into this category is because I have only known them for four years and they are older which kind of intimidates me. They also know about my diagnosis and are amazing.

3. These are the people I view as less than me. This is literally everyone else. I of course know rationally I’m no better than anyone, but I still feel superior (my second ex falls here). I would never hurt a person just because I feel like I’m better than them. Most of the time I don’t actually think that I am any better. There are however things that make me actively put people in this category. The biggest one is being inauthentic, shallow or fake (yes, I know this is coming from someone who masks 99% of the time and is fake to basically everyone).

As you can see its pretty much impossible to form a healthy attachment like this, not to mention a romantic one. I’m in no way saying narcissists are incapable of love, we are, and not everyone shares the same experiences as me. I just wanted to share this without masking my opinions or thoughts to seem socially acceptable, or make them look better.

Right now I identify as aromantic asexual because I gave up on trying to figure out if its my NPD or my trauma or my dysphoria or just who I am. Most likely, it’s all of those. And again, I don’t mean to frame NPD as an evil disorder incapable of love or genuine connection, enough people already think that.

I would never ever abuse anyone or treat them differently based on how my disorder makes me view them. I try to be kind to anyone I meet and know. I may not feel empathy but I always try to look at it from the perspective of other people and be a good person. I am not a monster lurking in the darkness waiting for some victim to manipulate out of boredom or need for love. I am simply a human being.