“It feels like my life is an act I put on.”

I am a late teenager but I remember that ever since I was around eight to nine years old, I would be unable to feel any empathy for my caregivers when they would cry in front of me, and I noticed that I struggled to feel any empathy for classmates, a feeling that has persisted until now. That was one of the first indications for me that I likely had NPD.

I also have a BPD comorbidity alongside the NPD, but my symptoms for that arose more in my pre-teen years. I came to realize my BPD before my NPD, as I was more vulnerable and experienced all the symptoms of BPD very intensely-  most notably fear of abandonment, identity disturbance and the intense emotions.

Within the past two years I have begun to recover greatly and my ever-growing awareness of myself and my pain has brought my NPD symptoms out, like the grandiosity, expecting favours and feelings of superiority. In my pre-teen years I did notice what I thought was just a ‘superiority complex’ alongside feeling that I also had an ‘inferiority complex’ simultaneously.

Currently I consider myself far into recovery. Although I still experience a lot of symptoms for both BPD and NPD, it has become more manageable once I was out of the situation that traumatized me initially.

NPD and BPD have affected my relationships immensely, more so in the past when I was younger and had no support, and was out of control of my emotions. As a young child I was bullied and most of it was from my ‘friends’ at the time. It was very lonely until I moved schools in my pre-teens and got friends who genuinely cared, which lead to me idolizing and obsessing over them. I would constantly vent my feelings due to how miserable and unaware I was to how they could feel, which lead to a lot of abandonment.

I’ve felt alienated in my family ever since I was very little, as I was so different in almost every aspect to them. As a child I think the narcissism kicked in to protect myself from them and as a way to survive, as I mostly had to look after myself with no guidance. I also believe my BPD might be genetic and from my upbringing.

BPD has made school very difficult for me, alongside my almost constant brain fog making it hard for me to remember and complete assignments in my own time, and a lot of my emotional dysregulation still makes it very hard to get assignments done- or to even attend school- when something is affecting me like an interpersonal struggle that’s unsolved, for example.

NPD also affects my relationships because I feel it is almost impossible to be truly vulnerable and close to anyone besides my partner and my best friend. All my other friendships feel superficial and socially I feel like the way I act is completely fake. I don’t feel like I’m living someone else’s life necessarily, but it feels like my life is an act I put on and the way I truly am was lost a long time ago and I know nothing about them.

Over the years with the amount I’ve been hurt with others, it also makes it very hard to be vulnerable. I often fantasize about going into solitude forever, despite that not being achievable in my current place in life. Most of the time I want to be famous and recognized for my abilities, but sometimes I get really depressive and have really bad persecutory delusions and paranoia about those around me plotting to take me down or hating me.

I’ve been basically forced to go to therapy since I was about six or seven and wasn’t allowed an option to go or not until my teen years, so my access to therapy has been available. I haven’t been officially diagnosed on paper yet, but a year-ish ago I brought up the possibility of having BPD to my therapist. We have discussed it a lot and she also believes I have it.

I only had the courage to bring up NPD with her around a month ago and we’ve also been talking about that, though it’s very nerve-racking as many, many therapists I’ve had before have been generally invalidating to me, but she has been kind about it.

I was recommended DBT in the past, before I even knew about my BPD. I hated it, personally, and found it ineffective. Right now I have just been doing Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) and I’ve found it very useful and a good fit for me. Usually talking through what I’m dealing with has been rather helpful.

All my friends know about both the NPD and BPD, and I have had a big part in educating them. Whilst I only have one friend who also has NPD, most of the rest of them have BPD, which initially made them more open minded to my NPD which I am very glad for.

I told my mom probably two years ago about my BPD and she didn’t understand what to say or do, which ended with her contacting my therapist which I specifically told her not to. Then a year ago I told her about NPD which she said was ‘unfortunate,’ as, “Many of my friends have had bad experiences with narcissists,” which lead me to not want to talk about it with her anymore. I expected my mom’s initial reaction but a part of me hoped she wouldn’t think about it that way. She’s a bit older so I wasn’t exactly shocked.

I’m pretty sure she has a decent understanding now- a couple of months ago we had a very nice, almost hour-long discussion about my NPD and BPD, how I think it formed due to my childhood, and her saying that she loves me regardless and doesn’t judge me for having them. My mom also informed my dad, and he didn’t have much reaction to it, so I don’t know what he thought about it and we haven’t talked about it.

My older sibling doesn’t know, and I’ve heard him making stigmatizing remarks about NPD and ASPD so I have no desire to talk to him about it, much less talk to him in general.

With BPD I haven’t personally noticed much stigma although I know it exists, so I don’t personally have much to say about it. But with NPD I wish people understood that we aren’t out to hurt others, in fact that completely goes against the idea of the disorder being about narcissism, me hurting others intentionally or maliciously does nothing to benefit me. The way I act has nothing to do with others or the desire to harm people, it’s the way my brain developed to protect me in a neglectful environment.

I think people often characterize narcissists as one-dimensional, ‘evil’ people to take away our complexity and to blame us for everything wrong in the world. It’s dehumanizing and illogical- we shouldn’t be the scapegoat for their suffering.