“I couldn’t realize that those thoughts weren’t normal.”

I’ve been a terribly shy girl for as long as I can remember.

When I was a teenager, my ‘best friend’ left me. I felt that was the point that sunk my mental health. I was hypervigilant the whole time, very anxious and tense. I felt everyone was constantly looking and laughing at me.

It was always hard for me to do things like buying things or speaking to strangers, but it got even worse. I started to isolate myself. I thought people were laughing at me because I was boring, undesirable and a loser. I thought no one could ever want to be my friend.

I told my mom about those feelings and she said it was all inside my head and I was severely paranoid. Back then I couldn’t realize that those thoughts weren’t normal. That’s why it’s a personality disorder- we see the world a different way and it’s normal for us, but not for people with healthy personalities.

I dealt with those extreme feelings for more than five years and I had a lot of horribly painful experiences related to shame, even though they were simple things for other people. I got panic attacks and I lost a lot of experiences due to using avoidance as a coping mechanism. After reading about Avoidant Personality Disorder on the internet, I understood I was very mentally unhealthy, but I became too cynical and hopeless to seek help.

But there’s hope. I’m 22 and I couldn’t say I’m cured or if I’ll ever be, but I’m doing a lot better. I still struggle with shame, self-esteem and my social skills but I can do things like walking in front of people without thinking they’re mocking me. I can last a day without sweating from severe anxiety.

I got my first job and it even involved attending customers. For me, it made things better. I don’t know if it will work for someone else. I’m seeing a therapist. Thankfully I can say Avoidant Personality Disorder didn’t ruin my life. Don’t be like me and go to therapy or a psychiatrist if you can.