“I was highly, highly anxious, and this manifested as wanting to control everything I could.”

I was diagnosed earlier this year with Obsessive Compulsive Personality Disorder (OCPD). The diagnosis wasn’t a surprise when it was explained to me what it meant, although to be honest I’d not actually ever heard of it before. But when the psychiatrist went through the symptoms with me, it made a lot of sense.

Ever since I remember, I’ve been really rigid about things- things that most other people really couldn’t care less about. I’d get really cross if people didn’t follow rules or instructions, since I followed them to the letter, and I had a lot of set routines. For example, I had to do things in a certain order every day and follow specific procedures or ways of doing things.

I hated any aspect of my routine being messed with, and if it was, I’d regularly have meltdowns. When I was younger it looked a lot like autism, and whilst I never got a diagnosis because of how long it took on the NHS, I think my family and friends assumed that was the issue and accepted it as just being the way I was.

As I went through school I became more perfectionistic. I’d start work over and over again, ripping out pages if I made a mistake, which drove my teachers crazy. I would only use certain pens to write with, and if I lost my pen, I simply wouldn’t do the work, which then created issues around me being defiant. When I did engage with work, I’d almost hyper-fixate on it and would have to be coaxed out of the classroom by my teachers because I’d get so stressed about not finishing my work. I hated anyone touching my things and would blow up at anyone who moved my belongings. I had to sit in the same seat every day and regularly refused to comply with seating plan changes.

Outside of school, I was just as inflexible. I was highly, highly anxious, and this manifested as wanting to control everything I could. I was very territorial over my space and refused to let my friends come into my home, and if we did have visitors to the house, I’d hate it and be desperate for them to leave. I couldn’t stand anything being untidy and- even though I’d spend hours cleaning and reorganising my bedroom- anyone coming over would send me into a panic because I was so worried about the state of the house and couldn’t rest until it was clean.

My life was dictated by lists and schedules and I found it so hard to cope with last-minute changes to plans. Even with all this, I found it difficult to actually get out of the house because I was so worried I’d forgotten something, or not checked something. I taped a list on the back of my front door of all the checks I needed to do before I left the house to reassure myself it would be secure. I remember burglary being a big fear of mine. It still is.

As well as being a major source of stress for me, OCPD also cost me a lot of friendships. I’ve cancelled things at the last minute because I’ve not been sure I could complete all my checks before leaving the house, and I would get really frustrated with friends if I thought they didn’t take organisation and structure as seriously as me. They’d be happy to let me plan events and trips, but it nearly always ended up in them accusing me of micro-managing things.

I just didn’t understand how they could be so laid back about the things I saw as so important. Lateness was a particular trigger for me and I ended friendships with several friends whose timekeeping was bad. Waiting for things was- and still is- a big stressor for me.

The turning point came when I lost a job due to how slow I was. I thought they would be happy to have someone who paid so much attention to detail, but it had a knock-on effect to my efficiency and it was flagged with my superiors. They put a support plan in place after several warnings, but I just couldn’t let go of my way of doing things and I felt really ‘got at’ by my superiors who I felt just wanted me to prioritise efficiency over accuracy. It was clear that I wasn’t going to improve, so I left.

That incident did however convince me to seek help for what I thought was just anxiety. Funnily enough I did actually get a diagnosis first off of GAD (Generalised Anxiety Disorder), but after I was preferred to mental health services I ended up with the OCPD diagnosis. I was quite shocked. Even though it sounded just like me, I’d never heard of it before, only of OCD (Obsessive Compulsive Disorder). I did wonder if I had OCD, but I wasn’t sure because although I performed compulsions, I didn’t have the belief that something bad would happen if I didn’t do them, and I think a part of me was also still convinced I had autism which explained why I was so obsessed with having my routines and wanting everything ‘just so’.

I haven’t told many people I have OCPD. I don’t think they would understand it. I think they hear ‘personality disorder’ and assume it’s something dangerous or about emotional behaviour, rather than me struggling to relax about things and being so uptight about how I like things being done. Most people have clocked I have anxiety, so I let them just keep thinking that.

One of the things people say about OCPD is that you don’t often believe you’re the problem, and I think that’s true. I always thought the problem was other people, not me, but luckily therapy has helped. I’ve done CBT and found that made me feel less anxious because I felt I was in control, especially with having to do homework tasks and challenge my thoughts. I’m also on medication for anxiety and that’s been good too.

I still struggle to let go of having high standards for myself, but I’m a bit more understanding of the fact other people just don’t see things the way I do. And I can laugh about it now which I was never able to before. I think, if you want something done right, just do it yourself, and that’s sort of become my motto for coping with OCPD.