“I have periods of intense paranoia and anxiety, followed by periods of numbness and depressive feelings.”

I suffer badly with paranoia. I used to believe my parents weren’t real or that they weren’t my parents at all. I used to think that they would kidnap me or r**e me, which was obviously not the case but I still have paranoid thoughts like that. It’s really scary and makes me feel really guilty for ever thinking that, but I can’t stop those thoughts.

I sometimes start to believe that my lover is with me just to play with my feelings, or because they had a bet with their friends, and would break up with me as soon as we had been together for an entire year, but it never happened. I usually suspect people of stalking me if they are too nice, or I start to believe that we could be friends or are fated to be, and then I’m the one that stalks them on social media.

At some point I believed that this world was an illusion and just wasn’t real. It was really scary to think that way. I thought I’d be alone forever and people were just there to use me until they finally killed me with this world. It’s really scary being in my head sometimes. I try not to get too close to people to not become paranoid over them or their actions and not ruin relationships. It’s pretty damaging.

My paranoia is often linked to me overthinking or noticing small details that aren’t important and overthinking them. I think it comes from my anxious personality as well. When I was a young kid, I used to play with people that later in my life bullied me. I think that these events made me paranoid about whom I can trust, so now I always have something I can defend myself with (dirt on people, blackmail material). I know it’s bad, and I don’t intend on using it, but if it so happens that something happens, I can.

I might also be copying one of my parents, because they explained that they use blackmail and have used it against me as well. This has made it harder to bond with them because I believe they will blackmail me or ruin my life. This parent doesn’t believe in therapy either, so I have a hard time getting the help I need. I think it’s a problem coming from them, but I don’t want to blame them.

I have always had a vivid imagination and it makes it hard because I think it has led to hallucinations related to my paranoid ideation. For example, I’ve always been scared of being stalked because it has happened in the past, so I always close my windows and blinds, even when it’s hot so no one can spy on me or see me. I take specific ways to walk home to not go back to places where I have met people who have spoken to me in the streets, etc. to be sure not to see them. A man flirted with me in a store one day, a worker, and then asked me to go for a drink. I haven’t gone back there in over six months because I’m paranoid that he’s going to do something to me like kidnap me.

I have periods of intense paranoia and anxiety, followed by periods of numbness and depressive feelings. I have been wondering for a while if I might not have a personality disorder or a mood disorder. I have been doing research and I fit all the criteria for BPD and ADD.

Because of the lack of support, I’m having a hard time finding what is happening. It does restrict my life at times. Last school year, I was medically obligated to take time away from school and had to stay home for a month. It also ruins my personal relationships with friends and family, and makes things unstable for me. It impacts my school life as well.

I have mentioned it to my mother (more supportive parent) and I’ve told my lover. My lover thinks I could be right and believes I have a lot of symptoms that could be explained by that type of diagnosis.

I usually distance myself from whatever is causing my paranoia, for example my partner, my family, classmates, etc. I sometimes distance myself from my own being (I think it’s dissociating and depersonalization). These are rather bad coping skills though, but I know distancing myself mentally and taking a minute to really think it through calmly can help me as well. If I can, I use my phone as a distraction or make or bake food.