“I don’t feel anything and I can’t control it.”

My biggest symptoms of Schizoid Personality DIsorder are depersonalisation and derealisation, apathy, anhedonia, passive chronic suicidality and flat affect/lack of emotions. Because of them I am just… indifferent.

I don’t have any dreams, any goals, I don’t see a point. Nothing brings me joy or satisfaction. I don’t want to meet with people, actually not because I don’t like people, I think they are cool, but it’s just… too much hustle usually. Too much effort for no (emotional) reward.

My immediate family is a lot like me. We are all introverts and never spent much time with each other. I could go days without seeing some of them even though we lived at the same house. I guess we’re not the closest and don’t talk that often, but I think we understand and support each other when needed. As for my other family, we rarely talk and when we do it’s usually awkward. I don’t have much of a relationship with them.

With friends, I also don’t have many. I haven’t made new friends since childhood and kind-of keep in touch with maybe two or so of them. I do have close internet friends that I even see sometimes when the occasion arises, because we live far away. I value them a lot.

I’ve had some symptoms pretty much entire life, only developing more as time passed. However I reached the state of horrible mental breakdown in October-December 2021. During it I went to see a psychiatrist, got diagnosed with depression, prescribed meds and referred to a psychologist. I was in therapy for around five months.

The SZPD came up during one of the sessions. We dedicated one session to go through all the personality disorders and I seemed to fit diagnostic criteria for Schizoid and Obsessive Compulsive Personality Disorders (OCPD).

Now, the tricky thing here is that I was told I am a bit too young (I’m 19) to actually diagnose me with a disorder, so technically I am only diagnosed with schizoid and compulsive personality ‘styles’. The psychologist told me to wait until I’m more in my late 20s/early 30s. However, to be honest the symptoms affect me day-to-day in such a way that depression alone doesn’t explain it.

For depression I take SSRIs. As I said, I was in therapy but to be honest it wasn’t that effective, it was meant to be for depression but long story short I’d improved a lot on my own even before starting. As to how I deal now… I think I mainly try not to fight against my nature. I accept myself more and just lead my maybe more solitary life, but it’s what feels more right for me. As for dissociation, suicidality and anhedonia, I don’t manage them that well. I don’t really know why, and neither did my therapist nor psychiatrist.

I hadn’t heard of SZPD before my therapist mentioned it. Also I don’t think I’ve met anyone with it, at least not to my knowledge. However I suspect my dad might have it too.

In terms of my OCPD symptoms, my main thing is anxiety around spending money. Then the need to control my environment and myself, including my emotions (also contributes to flat affect). Obsession with organisation is also a factor too.

I wish that people knew a few things about me. First of all, that I struggle with taking initiative, especially when it comes to arranging hang-outs with others. It’s not that I don’t like you, it’s that I don’t even really think about it, I don’t miss anyone, I don’t have this drive to go and socialise. But that doesn’t mean that I don’t care at all, I usually wish people well and in the moment I quite enjoy company, just not that much.

Also I struggle to open up unprompted, so I love when people ask me questions. I think there is a lack of awareness of even our existence to be honest. I wish more people just knew about SZPD, and also about the things that come with it. Not only the asociality, but all the other symptoms and struggles.

I also struggle with enthusiasm. Like, I don’t really enjoy anything, and it may seem bad and cold when somebody does something nice for me and I am unable to express gratitude or joy. It’s not that I don’t appreciate it, it’s just that I don’t feel anything and I can’t control it.

It feels like watching people driving on buses and you watch them go places while you’re stuck at the bus stop. Everyone seems to have a ticket and be going places, but you don’t. You don’t know where to get a ticket, you don’t know where you want to go.

You hear different ideas from some that change buses at your stop, they tell you stories from their journeys and who they’ve met and what’s their next stop, and you listen and nod, but it sounds so fake. “And where did you get your ticket?”, “I don’t know, I just have it! You should too”. But you don’t.

You try to get on a bus anyway, but feel uneasy. You don’t have a ticket after all. You feel like you’re an intruder, you don’t belong on this bus and the direction you’re heading doesn’t feel right, no matter which you choose. You try to fit in with the rest of the passengers but eventually you’re either caught riding without a ticket or you decide the pretending and stress is too much.

So you get off at the next stop.

And you sit on the bench and watch the buses go and the sun set.