“I feel disgusted at myself for not being able to cope with simple life changes, as other people seem to do so very easily.”

For many individuals suffering from mental illness, intrusive thoughts about suicide and the urge to end one’s life are a common symptom experienced on a daily basis. There are dozens of reasons as to why a person may consider suicide.

Some may feel so depressed that they see no other way to end their inner turmoil. Others may feel numb; unable to feel emotion, and may seek self destruction as a form of catharsis. Some attempt to take their own life on a regular basis, whereas others obsess over the notion that they are ‘better off dead’, without making physical plans or attempts. I intend to discuss the ways in which suicide ideation affects my own mental health, as a person diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder, Anxiety and Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder.

As an adolescent, I would think about suicide constantly. I would spend hours planning my own funeral, and writing goodbye letters to my friends and family. I was told by a doctor that it was just my hormones and need for attention that caused my depression, which obviously made me feel guilty and ashamed. I spent years trying to get somebody – anybody – to understand my confusing emotions. It took about ten years to finally receive a diagnosis from a psychiatrist…after about five suicide attempts and multiple hospital admissions.

As an adult, I still experience chronic feelings of emptiness and worthlessness. I take medication, which helps to soften the symptoms, and enables me to stay relatively productive and forward-thinking. But I still often find myself, usually at night, desperately weighing up the pros and cons of just ending it all there and then.

I imagine all my loved ones would be so much happier without having to deal with me as a burden, but then I become overcome with feelings of guilt at the thought of putting them through the trauma of knowing I killed myself. I become angry at myself; angry at my selfishness. I think that there are so many people worse off than me – that I have a home, possessions, choices… I feel disgusted that I am taking my own life for granted. I feel disgusted at myself for not being able to cope with simple life changes, as other people seem to do so very easily.

I often dream that I am dying, or have died and am watching the people close to me from the afterlife. I feel such a sense of relief that they are doing okay; and living their life without the inconvenience of my existence. Then I wake up, and I cry, feeling upset that the dream wasn’t real, yet at the same time feeling embarrassed that I continue to have such idyllic conceptions about my family’s lives following my death.

A close person to me took his own life by walking in front of a speeding train, several years ago, following an argument that we had had. I have thought about that day constantly since it happened, and the guilt and shame I feel is overwhelming. I have been told that suicide is an individual choice; it’s a decision you make in a moment of chaos that cannot be blamed on outside influences.

But I feel that when people say that to me, even they don’t believe it – they are just doing their best to comfort me, when perhaps I don’t deserve comfort. The catch-22 is that amongst all of the mistakes I have made in the past, I feel that I owe it to my close friend’s family and friends to take my own life as a way of showing that I am genuinely sorry and repentant.

But then, in doing so, I would no doubt thrust those feelings I’m experiencing on to anybody who is close to me – they would end up feeling like they could have done something to stop me, just as I did, and in being self-aware enough to acknowledge this fact, it would be incredibly counter-productive of me to take my own life.

I recognise that, despite how far my mental state spirals out of control, I would still know – deep down – that my urge to kill myself is primarily out of a selfish need to end my personal pain, as opposed to being solely to help others. This is the main reason I haven’t been making active plans to end my life for the past few months. I choose to focus on being the best person I can be for those who care for me. It’s a struggle, and perhaps a little ignorant of me to think, ‘if I outwardly act fine, I WILL be fine’ but it is keeping me alive for the time being.

I think, to me – as a person who is suffering from a personality disorder – the yearn to end my life at present is not fuelled by the desire to die as such; it is more a reaction to my emotions and behaviours as a result of past trauma I have experienced. My chronic feelings of guilt and shame, and anger towards myself and my past impulsive and reckless behaviours, are usually the contenders in me becoming suicidal and feeling the urge to harm myself.

When I feel low, I dissect everything I have ever done or said that was in some way detrimental to somebody else. Then, I feel this moral obligation to hurt myself so that people will perhaps think better of me; that they will see that I am aware that I can act unstable and contradictory, especially in relationships, and that I truly despise myself for it.

I think a lot of people assume that the act of suicide is a person’s way of saying they hate the world and the people around them, but for me personally, it’s far more a hate towards myself, and the feeling that I am not worthy of living a happy, successful life.

It feels like it is something I need to hide. I feel that if I tell people I am suicidal, they will feel helpless. If I don’t then follow through with my intentions, it will appear that I have said it purely to get attention, or a reaction. There have been many times when (as you are apparently supposed to do when you are struggling in the UK) I have called the Mental Health Access Team at 2am to tell them how bad I am feeling. However, it never seems to matter to them if you solely say you are suicidal – you need to be sitting there with your finger on a shotgun trigger, or hanging off a bridge, in order for them to genuinely take you seriously. If you are not, more often than not, they tell you to have a cup of tea and that ‘you’ll feel better in the morning’.

If a suicidal person is unable to be taken seriously by a mental health professional, and feels equally hesitant to burden close ones with the awkward confession of ‘I think about death all the time’, it’s no surprise that many people see suicide as their only way out.

I am not writing this on behalf of every person who has ever considered suicide. I am purely giving my own account of my personal experiences, with the intention of raising awareness for an all-too-common symptom of mental illness that everybody seems to know about, but rarely discusses.