“The emotional pain never goes away for long.”

I have Borderline Personality Disorder and it’s likely that in a year or two’s time, it will have killed me.

BPD doesn’t directly cause death. But because it has been at the root of so much of my suffering, I intend to take my own life- legally- by means of assisted suicide in Belgium, where it is permissible to end your life on the grounds of unbearable mental suffering.

In order to understand how I have reached this point, you’d need to understand the path that led me here. As is so common in people with BPD, my early life experiences were traumatic. My childhood was characterised by inconsistency, chaos and instability. There was a family split early on, and from the age of five years old I was in and out of care.

Between the ages of 10 and 16 this was permanent and I was moved from place to place for care placements. I frequently went missing due to abuse, which I both witnessed and experienced from a young age. There was also a high level of psychological warfare, which was extremely damaging.

Had I not experienced such appalling treatment at the hands of those entrusted with my care, perhaps I wouldn’t have fallen into the hands of a sexual predator as readily when I was 13. He was in his 20s and introduced me to the seedy world of sex chat lines, where many nefarious things were said. Many- if not all- of the participants were well aware of my age. I knew it was wrong, but I was prepared to do anything to avoid going back into care and saw this man as my ticket out of the system.

As a result of the abuse I was subjected to, I did the only thing I thought I could do to regain control of the situation. I used my knowledge of the perpetrators in order to blackmail them and to tip the power dynamic in my favour, a decision that resulted in me being charged and convicted for blackmail at the age of 19. I’m not proud of what I did, but I feel like many of the circumstances that led me to make that choice were overlooked or ignored.

I recently asked for my files during my time in care, and nowhere in my notes does it ask why I was behaving the way I was. There was simply no help. The professionals involved in my care were very critical of my behaviour and there was a lot of victim blaming. During that period, I had been very withdrawn and didn’t socialise. Nobody had picked up on the red flags or warning signs.

As for the man who abused me, I reported him to the police when I was 16. It was essentially my word against his regarding the sexual abuse. He has never been held accountable and although the case was re-opened last year, I’m not hopeful that charges will be brought.

I was diagnosed with BPD in 2013. The person who diagnosed me was someone I’d never met- he kept leaving the room during the assessment to speak to another clinician, and made me read a book and say if I agreed with the symptoms listed. The result of this was that I was referred for group therapy.

This wasn’t effective for me- I’m naturally reserved in group settings, and I was paranoid about the fact that where I lived, everyone knew everyone else and I was worried about who they might know and whether I’d become the subject of local gossip. So I tried private therapy. This worked, but only for a short time. I’ve tried many kinds of therapy, including EMT, CBT and DBT, but I’ve never found anything that works long term. The emotional pain never goes away for long.

I’ve also tried medication, and lots of it. One thing that people don’t tell you is that Diazepam is incredibly addictive. I was on it for years and it causes so many more problems than it solves. If anything it worsened my symptoms. I have spent years trying to come off it, and this has definitely played a part in how bad things have become for me.

I first began to think about euthanasia in late 2020 to early 2021. Initially I started interacting with groups on Facebook talking about assisted suicide in Belgium. In May 2021 I mentioned I was thinking about it to a surgeon, who put me in touch with a euthanasia expert who outlined the process to me.

I would need approval from three doctors and to put my intentions in writing, and it’s likely to be refused the first time as it’s a psychiatric illness, meaning I would need to appeal it. For that reason, it can be quite a lengthy process. It’s not as straightforward as wanting to die and going to a clinic for a lethal injection. It’s not designed to be easy. Doctors have to be sure it’s the correct course of action and it really is the last resort when nothing else has worked to alleviate the mental suffering of a patient. The process generally takes 18 months to two years.

I actually haven’t spoken to my friends and family about it a great deal. There hasn’t been an explicit conversation about my intention to take my life. People don’t really know what to say and tend to go silent. My relationship with my family is strained. We’re mostly estranged and have a somewhat distant relationship, but they’ve seen it in the media. They know but haven’t reached out. There’s been no rallying around, and I wouldn’t be receptive to that anyway.

I am aware that my plans are controversial, and if I’m honest, I wouldn’t advise assisted suicide for mental illness. Maybe that makes me sound like a hypocrite, but it does need to be very meticulously safeguarded.

My case has received media attention and with that has come controversy. Religious groups in particular have criticised me for ‘putting ideas in people’s heads.’ My story has been featured in local newspapers and some national outlets, but others have withdrawn it before publication due to the controversy. None of this is about attention or media coverage. It’s about highlighting how mental illness has made my life impossible to live any longer. I want to end my life, and I want to do it as humanely as possible.

I am flying to Belgium imminently to continue my fight to be allowed to die. As it is currently illegal here, a local MP has proposed a Bill allowing assisted suicide in the UK, and I have launched my own petition calling for Parliament to include mental health in the legislation.

In the meantime, it’s a waiting game. I go through stages of being reasonably okay, and I find meditation helps. Since my head is so chaotic, I embrace any peace I can find. In fact I find peace addictive. Other times, I don’t get out of bed for three or four weeks.

BPD has impacted on every area of my life. I’m aware of how bad my behaviour has been in the past, which is due at least in part to the BPD, and it’s the reason why I can’t hold down jobs- I’ve had a string of failed businesses.

For me, I can see no other way out. I don’t expect sympathy or even for people to understand. But I would like people to respect my choice, even if it’s not one they agree with.