“I feel like a burden when I can’t manage on my own.”

I noticed that there was a problem when my boyfriend, with whom I’d been in a long-distance relationship between Brazil and Belgium, came to join me in Belgium when I turned 18. As soon as he arrived- and I’d been looking forward to this moment more than anything else in the world- I felt very oppressed. A thought was always in my mind: “What if one day I don’t want to be with him anymore? I can’t break up with him, he came for me, I’m stuck!”

Within a few weeks, the first symptoms of Borderline Personality Disorder arrived- anxiety attacks with a feeling of imminent death, alternating between devaluing and idealizing my boyfriend, self-mutilation, dissociation, angry outbursts and finally the ultimate action- cheating on him to put an end to my intense emotional suffering. We broke up a few days later.

From the age of 18 to 23, I experienced all nine symptoms of Borderline Personality Disorder. Now, at 28, knowing myself much better and having a set of tools at my disposal, I experience far fewer symptoms and, above all, I perceive them as less intense or rather more manageable.

The most difficult to manage are the mood swings, the derealization and depersonalization (which have persisted constantly for 10 years) and the alternation between idealization and devaluation of others, especially my favorite person. I also feel a lot of emptiness, so I love to be active and stimulated.

BPD has an extremely strong influence on my relationships with others. I used to be an extrovert, and it now takes me a lot of energy to be around others. In addition to the fact that I’m high-potential and that few people support my very fast pace (in the way I talk, move, think…), I feel very out of step with others.

Being analytical by nature, I feel so easily rejected, which can trigger an emotional crisis extremely easily. I then lose all rationality. The most complicated part is when I’m in a couple. Having a disorganized attachment style, I alternate between wanting the relationship so bad, to feeling suffocated.

I perpetually doubt whether I’ve made the ‘right choice’ to be with the other person, especially at times when I devalue them. And finally, I cheated on several of my boyfriends, each time to put an end to this emotional suffering.

I quit studying at 23. I was on antidepressants and couldn’t keep up. Working helped me to find a structure, to feel useful, and therefore to stabilize myself. Thanks to my curiosity, my intelligence, my ability to bounce back and to always want to surpass myself, I was able to find my place and I’m currently in a company where I feel valued and where I’m regularly given new projects. These projects stimulate me and enable me to put my creativity to good use and never get bored.

When I was 18, I knew something was wrong. I went straight to the doctor and was soon able to put into words what I was feeling like ‘anxiety’ and ‘derealization’. A psychiatrist diagnosed me with generalized anxiety disorder and put me on antidepressants for a year and a half.

The antidepressants were useful at the time in the sense that I was living in terror and anxiety, and couldn’t live like this anymore. But I still think they acted as a crutch and didn’t solve the original problem. What’s more, I’ve seen several shrinks over the years.

I also learned, after a series of tests, that I was high-potential and hypersensitive at 23. Each step helped, but I felt something was wrong. Even though I had a very healthy lifestyle (sport, food, hours of sleep, meditation, etc), I had the feeling that something wasn’t right in my head.

At the age of 28, I consulted a neuropsychologist believing I had ADHD. Instead, she diagnosed me with Borderline Personality Disorder, which was later validated by a psychiatrist.

Since then, I’ve been under the care of a psychologist specializing in BPD and another psychologist specializing in EMDR, with the aim of overcoming the trauma I went through with my ex when I was 18. I no longer take any medication, apart from the occasional herbal remedy such as rhodiola.

Many tools help me to manage my BPD symptoms. First of all, it’s imperative for me to have a structured life with lots of routines. I don’t like doing things at the same time, I need a certain amount of chaos. So, I find my rhythm by going to the gym five times a week, but never at the same time, and doing a variety of sports (crossfit, cycling, running, swimming, climbing etc).

I meditate every day, but in a different way. I’m careful about what I eat and drink. I need this healthy rhythm of life or I won’t be able to regulate my overwhelming emotions. I also need to cry regularly to get rid of my intense emotions. It’s also essential for me to regularly communicate my intrusive thoughts to those close to me.

In addition, a number of tools from Dialectical Behavior Therapy help me enormously, such as coming back to the present moment, learning to better tolerate distress and asking myself what other interpretation of reality is possible.

Finally, I’ve created in French an Instagram account (@borderattitude), a website (www.borderattitude.fr) and I’d like to create a podcast, all with the aim of using my creativity, my analysis and passing on all my knowledge about BPD. It helps me tremendously on my own road to recovery. It helps me to know that I can be a icon of hope for others still at the bottom of the abyss or elsewhere.

Now that I’m much more aware of my body, I can see how I sometimes get caught up in emotional storms. These storms happen when I’m triggered by something, either a parasitic thought, or a phrase said by someone close to me, or a primary need that’s not being met (hunger, fatigue, etc).

Everything goes on in my head and can go very far if I don’t manage to put a stop to it quickly enough. So I have regular crises and need to talk to someone close to me so that they can listen to me, reassure me, remind me that I’m strong and help me realize that it’s not as ‘intense’ as it seems.

I’m a person who likes to be independent, and I feel like a burden when I can’t manage on my own. I remind myself that I have a disorder and that I don’t have to feel guilty about it. I remind myself that it’s okay to ask loved ones for help, even if it’s on a regular basis. Nevertheless, it’s still hard for me to accept.

Since I was diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder six months ago, I’ve decided to talk about it at work, as I’m very authentic by nature. It may be just an impression, but I’ve had the feeling ever since that some colleagues prefer to limit contact with me for fear of my reactions. I’d prefer them to come and talk to me directly. Apart from that, as I was saying, I’m very active on social networks about the BPD.

I still sometimes find it hard to talk about my disorder to new people, I’m afraid of their reaction and rejection. Finally, I’m doing it more and more and people’s reaction seems positive. For the moment, I’m lucky to have a very nice community and I haven’t yet received any criticism.

I’m proud that I’m still alive and that I’ve never attempted suicide, although I did harm myself a few times between the ages of 18 and 23. I’m proud to have listened to my body and my instincts all these years, to have sensed that something was wrong and come to this diagnosis.

I’m proud of having remained a fighter and of always bouncing back, even today. From now on, I feel that every time I have a (big) fall, it’s ‘just’ an experience so that I can be even stronger afterwards. And also, I hope, to inspire others to continue along the road to recovery, because it’s possible.

I can imagine that it must also be difficult for loved ones who know someone with BPD. I urge them to always be kind, non-judgmental, active listeners and emotionally supportive. I advise them to remind the BPD sufferer that he/she can be proud of him/herself, that he/she’s a warrior. I also urge them not to take criticism personally if they feel devalued. Communication and patience are key. Finally, I advise loved ones to set their own limits too, all in non-violent communication and authenticity.

Life with a PD is certainly complicated, chaotic and unstable, but it’s also filled with moments of extreme joy (without the need for drugs!). I wish everyone who reads this article lots of good vibes, support and I send you all my love and hope so that you can move forward as serenely as possible towards a path of recovery.