“I hid the extent of my illness a lot because I felt like I was broken or a freak.”

I had a long-standing diagnosis of Bipolar Disorder, alongside depression and anxiety, which has recently been re-diagnosed as CPTSD (which makes so much more sense to me). I also have anorexia. Masking is something I spend a huge amount of time and energy doing.

I’ve struggled with massive fluctuations in mood since my teens – big highs then crashing lows, which impacted day to day life and led to the bipolar with depression diagnosis. I always thought the bipolar diagnosis didn’t quite fit me – there were bits that made sense, but lots of my symptoms seemed quite different.

It was only in the last five years or so I started to notice other issues such as problems with trust, massively consuming shame, guilt and feeling like I was fundamentally ‘built differently- like no-one could understand me, and essentially at the core I was unlovable and wrong.

I had quite a chaotic childhood and my issues with food started as a teenager also, but then I was largely ok for about a decade, and the issues have come back in the last 18 months as I uncovered abuse and neglect in my childhood. I started really thinking my illness might be based in my experiences after doctors started to also question the bipolar. It took four years, but finally I got diagnosed with CPTSD in May this year. I’m 34 now, so I’ve dealt with mental health problems for about 18 years, though with the food stuff I had a period of time in the middle where I was pretty OK.

The childhood stuff and also a marriage breakdown I think were big triggers for me. It affects me in a thousand tiny ways each day, but some of the bigger things I suppose are being in constant state of hyper-vigilance, thinking I’m in danger, or people are out to hurt me or will leave me or let me down. Most recently I had to leave my job which was massive as I’ve always worked full time in quite high stress, high responsibility positions and I’ve realised at the moment I just can’t handle that pressure the way I used to.

I would say I hide my illnesses massively, even though a lot of my work is around being open about mental health. Particularly as I work with children and vulnerable people a lot, I was very secretive in the 12 years I had the bipolar diagnosis, because that illness comes with stigma and I was worried it would affect if people thought I was safe around them. I’ve been very private about CPTSD because it means explaining what caused it. The anorexia my partner and close friends know about, but that’s it.

My illnesses were indirectly I think a big part of my marriage breakdown, as even though my husband was lovely he was very stable, so I hid the extent of my illness a lot because I felt like I was broken or a freak, so I pretended to be OK a lot when I wasn’t. It’s also meant I’m reluctant to make new friends or put myself in situations where people may ask about my past, family etc.

But it does also mean the friendships I have are longstanding and quite deep- most of my friends also have had mental health issues so I can support them and know what it’s like, that also comes though with needing to be careful about interactions/certain dynamics/what you can give etc.

Reactions when I have disclosed have been largely fine, but CPTSD is complicated because it’s so unknown and it’s caused by things, so you end up having to explain that too. I haven’t really told many people apart from one or two friends who just get it. I’m massively ashamed of my illnesses, so generally do anything to convince people I’m totally fine.

I’ve had many forms of therapy over the years and been on lots of medication. Unfortunately my experience has been pretty negative with NHS. Because the diagnosis was wrong the treatment wasn’t suitable, and one course of treatment I had actually made me much worse, as it is totally recommended not to be given to people with CPTSD.

It was nearly impossible to challenge my diagnosis. The NHS works with tick boxes, anything more vague or complicated than that, they just don’t have the resources to deal with, which sucks because there’s so much crossover in many conditions. It took a lot of pushing and fighting and disagreeing, then you can be labelled difficult and uncooperative which can make it worse.

I definitely found staff reluctant to consider CPTSD and they kept going back to various personality disorders then changing their minds. The language and attitude by staff has been really retriggering in some cases, but there have also been one or two very caring compassionate people who understand all the links.

I’ve had some group therapy for anorexia specifically, but I’m struggling to get more help.  So much eating disorder treatment goes by BMI etc and waiting lists are extensive. Medication kept me ticking over for a bit but didn’t deal with the root cause which is trauma.

I think I’m definitely so empathetic to people as a result of having mental illnesses, and massively emotionally self-aware and responsible, because I realised quite soon into adulthood that I needed to create a safe and stable life to help me manage my condition, so never really did massive partying/drinking/ drugs etc.

I think there have been big leaps in openness about mental health in the last decade, but not within the mental health services that people use. I wish they knew that just because I might look or sound OK on any given day, it may have taken me three hours to get out of bed, or I may be spending all my energy in a social or work situation on trying to act ‘normal’ when inside I’m massively spiralling out of control or life feels hopeless. That even on a good day, I can see in so many ways how the trauma has shaped how I approach every aspect of life and things that aren’t big deals to others could be huge for me.