“I still choose to wake up every day and try again.”

Woke up feeling excited, it’s too early to be awake but I’m positive it’s going to be a great day. I take my meds- an antidepressant and an antipsychotic, I love my meds, they make my days slightly easier, so I take them happily. 

I leave the house for work. I live in New York City- which means I take the subway to work like everyone else. I get to the station at the same time as always, I’ll wait for my train. Wait- there’s something wrong, the train is not coming. Anxiety takes over my body like an old visitor. My heart starts to race, my thoughts are rapid- I’m going to be late, I hate being late, it makes me feel like a terrible person and I’m really not willing to deal with that today.

I decide to Uber to work, I also don’t like Ubers- I don’t trust people I don’t know due to a lot of past trauma, but you gotta do what you gotta do, I need to get to work. I get to work in time- Phew, I’m relieved.

I work as a nanny to four wonderful boys and I take care of two beautiful dogs, I love this job, I’m gonna miss it someday, I feel my heart getting full of love as I think about this family I work for, I love them, they love me, we get along so well, nothing could ever go wrong. I see my boys, get them ready for school, I feel great, I don’t even remember being so anxious just a few minutes earlier. I make plans for the summer with them, now I’m excited, I want to take them everywhere, I want to create good memories, I feel like a happy kid.

I take them to school. I talk to a dear friend, I love her so much, we talk everyday about everything, I don’t know what I would do without her. Oh uh- she spent the day with my favorite person in the entire world (my ex girlfriend who is not in my life anymore), suddenly I feel jealous, way too jealous. Why do they get to spend time together when I’m not around? I want to be included. But I wasn’t even in town, that doesn’t make any sense, but I guess a lot of my feelings don’t make any sense to other people.

Oh shit- now I’m thinking about my ex and about how much I miss her and wish she was around… I don’t know how she could do that to me, just exclude me from her life like I mean nothing to her… but maybe I don’t, maybe our relationship just existed in my mind, now I feel upset. Pain runs through me like my own blood. I’m tired and sad.

I decide to nap while the boys are not around. I lay down and fall asleep pretty quickly- I’ve been feeling extremely tired lately, I don’t know what is wrong. I wake up feeling better. Time to work. I play with the dogs for a bit- my heart fills up with love for these creatures, I never want to be apart from them, I’m gonna miss them a lot when they’re not around anymore, I feel like crying over how much I love and care for them. Maybe I should do a puzzle- I love puzzles and I have been working on one with my boys, I should do that now. Working on the puzzle makes me feel relaxed, life’s great again.

Suddenly I think about my ex again, I miss her again. I don’t feel good anymore, I feel a desperate urge to cry. I wish I could talk to her, I wish she wanted to be next to me instead of not being around anymore. I hate my life, I feel extremely sad. The puzzle is not interesting anymore. I just want to listen to sad music and cry. I cry for a few minutes. The urge goes away. I feel better as soon as I pet the dogs, they’re the best.

I think of my almost-to-be-girlfriend and how she has been sick lately- I miss her, I want to see her, I also want to punch her because she hasn’t seen a doctor yet, how can she be so irresponsible? I wish I could make her go, but I can’t, she’s a grown woman who needs to make her own decisions- there’s nothing I can do but try to persuade her. I’m suddenly very worried. What if something happens to her? Anxiety takes over again, I try to think about something else- no one is leaving me, everything is okay, just breathe. I need to get myself together to get the boys from school, I need to work.

I listen to music on my way to school, sad music, it makes me want to cry again because it just hits me how much I love music and how it makes life better- brilliant! I get my boys and we drive to the pool, I’m okay again, the boys are very funny, they keep me entertained. Until they become very annoying, then my mood is ruined and I just want to call it a day, I’m tired and annoyed. I drive them back home and call it a day.

As soon as my body reaches the bed I feel relaxed and happy- time to rest! Maybe I should write today, but what about? Maybe someone is wondering how a day in the life of someone with Borderline Personality Disorder feels like, maybe they’re curious about it. I didn’t have a bad day but it wasn’t a great one either. It was a boring day at best. The perfect kind of day with a roller coaster of mood swings that would make the perfect anecdote. Yes, I should do that and then get some rest, it’s tiring to live like this.

After thinking I was done writing, I feel so tired and try to get some sleep. I can’t sleep. My thoughts are racing after facing how a ‘boring’ day in my life is filled with mood swings, anxiety, fear of abandonment, depression, jealousy, and many ups and downs. I feel done with my life, I’m tired of living like this, I don’t understand why my life needs to be like this, it’s exhausting. I cry and I cry and I cry. I feel desperate, the pain is so intense I feel like I’m going to die.

I talk to my dear friend again in hope she can calm me down a little bit. She does, she knows exactly what to say. I take a deep breath and finally manage to stop crying. The pain is still there but now it’s bearable. I finally get some rest. 

Living with Borderline Personality Disorder is not easy, even the most boring days are a challenging battle that feels so lonely to face. But I still choose to wake up every day and try again, recovery may seem like an impossible goal to achieve but it’s not, I’ve read so many inspiring stories about it, someday I’m sure I’ll write mine too, for now I’ll face my demons and write about them and try to help other people as best as I can. If you’re still reading by now, thank you so much.