“The fact that recovery wasn’t a linear process was really difficult for me to accept.”

For as long as I can remember, I have felt different. In primary school, I was bullied and excluded.  So, when I was about 10 years old, I remember making the conscious decision to fit in at all costs. I began masking, people pleasing, and mimicking others. This led to challenges in both friendships and romantic relationships. Oversharing, rapidly shifting emotions, the need for constant reassurance and validation came into play. 

At my lowest, I experienced all nine symptoms of BPD. One of the most challenging for me was the rollercoaster of emotions- from feeling everything intensely at once to nothing at all, just empty. I still experience this emotional sensitivity and reactivity today. I’m just more aware and equipped to navigate it. 

I also struggled with a sense of self. I had been consciously masking for so long (20+ years!) to the point of being lost and having no idea who I was. The only thing I thought I knew was that I was a broken human, carrying so much self-hatred and shame as a result. 

I experienced rage episodes in the form of bouts of extreme anger, mostly directed inwards, like a self-destructive emotional boomerang. I also experienced suicidal ideation and self-harm in the form of binge eating and self-hitting. 

All or nothing relationships were also a problem. Extreme thinking met frantic efforts to avoid real or imaginary abandonment, and put a significant strain on interpersonal relationships, particularly friendships. I would people please until I couldn’t any longer, and then just walk away silently, feeling like I’d failed yet another person. 

I was diagnosed at 32 years old. I was going through a very difficult time and convinced that the only way was to end it all. Randomly, a friend called me and I opened up for the first time about suicidality. Moments later, he kindly asked his ex- a therapist- to call me. We’d met a couple of times before, so I felt safe and opened up. He recommended I talk to a psychiatrist as soon as possible, and asked if I’d heard of BPD then explained the gist of it. 

Luckily, I was able to get referred to a psychiatrist through my husband’s mental health cover and had an appointment within a couple of weeks. They confirmed the BPD diagnosis and I felt understood and relieved… finally. I had been searching for years.

I’d tried psychoanalysis and CBT but nothing seemed to work and the professionals I saw didn’t mention any diagnosis at the time. It was so confusing, as I truly felt that something was wrong with me at the time. This long-winded process led me to lose trust in myself and my intuition. 

Straight after my diagnosis, I decided to go through DBT privately. It was really expensive and took most of my monthly salary, but I was beyond grateful to be able to afford it. I felt privileged to be there and dived into the skills and experiences. I learnt so much and now see it as an instrumental step along my recovery journey. 

In addition to therapy, other things helped; a physical exercise programme, lifestyle changes, supportive family and husband, and lots of self-education and exploration. I think it’s the combination that worked and still does today. Also, it was the mental shift from asking myself, “Why live?” to, “How will I make my life worth living?”

The fact that recovery wasn’t a linear process was really difficult for me to accept. I so badly wanted to excel at therapy and be cured or fixed. When I had setbacks I thought everything was ruined and used to tell myself that I even failed at therapy.

Work and navigating a very toxic environment at the beginning of recovery was particularly difficult too. I remember taking crying breaks between meetings and hiding therapy appointments from managers and colleagues. 

Something that’s still difficult now is the consistent practice of non-judgmentally and self-acceptance, particularly around the fact that I am (and always will be) a very sensitive human. Thankfully, I haven’t experienced much stigma directly related to BPD. But, I have definitely faced judgment and invalidation with the manifestation of symptoms. I have been called too emotional, too sensitive, too loud, too intense, more times than I can count. 

I would say joining The BPD Bunch and talking about my lived experience of BPD openly and authentically is what I’m most proud of. Finding my voice and hopefully helping other people along the way is one of the things that makes my life worth living. 

Whilst it’s difficult to give advice because everyone’s experience of BPD is so unique and different, a few things that helped me and might be useful to explore would be firstly letting go of coping strategies that might have protected you or kept you safe in the past, but that aren’t effective and helpful in the long term to achieve your goals. Instead, find new options to try and to adopt, like mindfulness, deep breathing, or self-soothing for example. 

Follow your curiosity and find out more about BPD and recovery through reading, watching, hearing other people’s stories. Along the way, try and implement some of the ideas and strategies that resonate most with you. If it helps, think of BPD as one piece of the puzzle of our identity. Remember that BPD also comes with great strengths like empathy, creativity, responsiveness and so much more. It’s important to accept ourselves as we are and at the same time aim to develop and grow.