“I was incredibly distressed by the way that I showed up in the world.”

I’ve had BPD-related issues since I was very, very young. I can even recall them as far back as four or five years old. My primary issues were intense emotional dysregulation, anger, violence and crippling anxiety from my early childhood up until around 18 or 19 years old.

From there, my symptoms still included those things but less physical violence, more emotional turmoil over men (lots and lots and lots of this) and self-harm/suicidal ideation. Even in my child psychiatry records it implies they suspected a diagnosis of BPD, but they wouldn’t give it to me as a child, so they ‘deferred’ it. Honestly, I really wish they had just told me what was up when they knew, because I spent so long thinking I was an unfixable freak and I was getting the wrong kind of treatment left, right and centre. 

I knew my symptoms were causing me problems essentially my whole life. I was incredibly distressed by the way that I showed up in the world – in particular how angry and violent I could become without being able to stop myself. I had a ton of self-hatred about it. In terms of a pivotal moment, I often talk about when the police were finally called on me. While it wasn’t actually a pivotal moment for me to realize I had issues (because that was well known by then), it did change my trajectory in a big way. 

Obtaining the diagnosis was honestly relatively straightforward. I was seeing a counsellor through our local health authority after a series of crises, and she told me after many sessions that she thought I had BPD and that DBT would be really beneficial for me. In Canada, counsellors can’t diagnose, so she had to refer to me a psychiatrist that worked on their team and that meeting was short because he had reviewed my charts before and talked to her so he just confirmed the diagnosis basically. With that diagnosis I was able to get into DBT soon after and my whole life changed.

At first I was not thrilled about my diagnosis. The word ‘borderline’ had been thrown around my life before, and I was studying psychology in university, so I only really knew the stigma. It took a while, but I was able to come to terms with it and realize that it was at least something helpful for me to be able to get the care I needed and it was an explanation for my issues that I was desperate for. At the time- 13+ years ago- it didn’t lead to finding a community, but it sure has now.

Anger and chronic suicidality are still things I struggle with. I don’t act on either of those things as much as I used to – and I’m never physically violent anymore – but I still struggle with a lot of angry spirals in my head and have to work very, very hard to not let them take over all of my thoughts and my life. 

In terms of suicidality, I basically jump to suicide as the only option whenever something goes wrong or feels insurmountable. I also feel like living with chronic pain makes this much, much worse because truly, the pain likely will actually never go away, so when there are worse days/weeks of pain, it feels like the only way out. Again, I’m much, much, much more able to not act on these feelings – but they are still there on a regular basis. 

My relationships now are kind of great. I do split on people on occasion, but am very aware of it and try to see both sides of them even when it’s hard. I’m lucky that I’m in a very healthy and loving marriage with the best human in the world, so I am supported immensely at home. I also have a ton of great friends who have stuck by me through thick and thin. I do the same for them so our relationships are very well balanced. Given how incredibly difficult relationships were for me, especially those with men, in the past – I’m very proud of how far I’ve come in this respect. 

I grew up in a family where going to university was expected. My dad actually spent a lot of my life telling me that I needed to get a PhD by the time I was 30 (spoiler alert – that did not happen). While school was always a struggle because of my emotions, I also really like being busy and learning new things, so I have done a ton of university to grow as a person. 

I made a decision over a decade ago to be open about my mental health issues professionally and it’s really helped grow my career. I now have an amazing full time job that I love and where I can use my lived experience to help break down systemic barriers to care for people like me. There are days where I face stigma – but generally speaking, it’s actually helped me more than it’s harmed me in many ways.  In fact, to be truthful, for me there have been so many positives. I’m so empathetic, great at reading people and a really dedicated friend. I think outside the box and innovate for interesting solutions to complex problems. I’m not afraid of conflict and don’t take any bullshit. I love so hard, get excited so easily, and am incredibly passionate.

My advice to anyone with BPD is- you’ve got this! Find your community and don’t believe in everything you read online. BPD is hard as hell, but getting a diagnosis is the first step to healing and overcoming the challenges you’ve been facing for most of your life. You’ve overcome so much already and treatment is next. It’s going to be hard, it’s going to be uncomfortable but oh my God is it worth it- I promise.

I think with regards to the future of how BPD is perceived, it will look like a whole lot of understanding and compassion from more people. The stigma will still be there, but it has already started to fade slowly. I do worry that it becomes an online trend of people self-diagnosing with BPD and making it ‘cute’, which isn’t the point. What we go through is super hard and not a label to take lightly. So I do worry about that while acknowledging there are tons of access issues to diagnoses…. it’s a complex issue. 

Laurie Edmundson is the award-winning creator and host of the Superfeeler podcast, available on Apple podcasts and Spotify. Her Instagram is @thesuperfeeler. Find out more about Laurie’s work on her website, superfeeler.ca