“I am constantly questioning whether my reactions are justified or if I’m blowing things out of proportion.”

The first time that it occurred to me that something wasn’t right with me was in 2014. I was 13 and I felt like an outsider or an alien. I was being bullied. I think the exact moment it hit me was when I was sobbing in my bedroom after school, my sister walked in on me and I told her that I was practise-crying for drama class. I was very down and ashamed of feeling that way, it was all very overwhelming. That was the year that I first self-harmed.

The symptoms I usually experience are chronic low mood, intense and unstable relationships, suicidal ideation, derealisation (I regularly feel that I’m not real or that I’m in a simulation) and identity shifts (I regularly change styles, music types, etc) and intrusive thoughts, and I’m regularly told that I take things too personally.

I think the low mood and intrusive thoughts are the more intense things that I struggle with. Low mood has a massive impact on many areas of my life; energy levels, motivation, personal hygiene, socialising, thought process, etc.

My experience with BPD has definitely impacted my relationships and the way I interact with others. I cling to people to avoid being abandoned (due to the fact that I am afraid of being alone and because I feel it reflects on me as a person).

It makes it hard for me to commit to any kind of education or employment, I had to drop out of education at 16 due to my risk levels and poor attendance, and I just have never regained the stability necessary to rejoin.

I believe that a part of BPD that isn’t really addressed enough is the stigma around it. There are a lot of negative stereotypes about sufferers. We are painted out as villains; usually in that we are manipulative and abusive. Whilst it is possible for people diagnosed with BPD to be abusive, it’s the same with the rest of the general population; it’s not everyone.

Another part is shame. It’s a massive part of BPD, at least in my experience. You feel like you’re constantly under scrutiny for the way you react and it causes you to feel like a villain. I am constantly questioning whether my reactions are justified or if I’m blowing things out of proportion. It’s draining.

I received my BPD diagnosis in April 2019 at 18 years old. I had been admitted to a psychiatric hospital following a suicide attempt. My previous diagnosis was major depressive disorder, which I was told at 16.

I sat in a room for ward round. In that room were several staff members, the consultant, other doctors and a couple of nurses. It was extremely nerve-wracking, being observed by multiple people, it felt like being interrogated. But I wanted the help and answered their questions to the best of my ability.

Being diagnosed with this disorder wasn’t 100% a shock to me, as I had done a lot of research into various mental health conditions, attempting to piece things together, so I had noticed that I had the diagnostic requirements for BPD.

I had been on an antidepressant from the age of 16 but after diagnosis it was changed to a different one. They also told me that I’d be put onto a waiting list for therapy- DBT to be precise.

I didn’t find medication or DBT effective, personally. I feel like DBT only addresses certain aspects of the disorder and doesn’t deal with the root cause. I’m now in psychotherapy which I find more helpful but it’s an ongoing battle, I won’t sugarcoat it.

I think that being able to express myself is pretty helpful. It doesn’t have to be spoken words, but things like poems, short stories, etc, anything you can use as an outlet (for some people that might be physical activity, for others like me, creative things help, it’s all about the individual person). I’m often very metaphorical when I talk about my experience with mental illness.

If I could give advice to anyone who cares for someone living with BPD, I would say first and foremost, listen. Be there for them, don’t make them feel like they’re being irrational, what might seem like something small to you, is a big deal for them, don’t belittle our experiences. Encourage them to seek professional help if you notice they’re deteriorating to a point that you providing emotional support won’t be enough to deal with.

Lastly, let them know when they do something right, tell them you are proud of them, it can be extremely difficult for us to notice the positive aspects of ourselves and our behaviour.