“I wish people knew how much effort bipolar people have to go through to be their best selves.”

My first OCD symptoms started from the time I was a small child. I would have to call my mom at the same time every day once it got dark because I had an intense fear that if I didn’t, she would wreck her car or die.

As I got older, relationships were impossible for me because I was constantly in a state of anxiety wondering if the person was right for me or not and critiquing every thing they did or said. I also suffered from intrusive thoughts about whether or not I was lying to myself about my orientation, or I would get stuck on mistakes I had made years ago and feel sick if I didn’t “repent” and confess if those mistakes or lies.

I was finally diagnosed a year about this past march and went through extensive ERP therapy. After a rough breakup in September, I fell into deep depression consisting of suicidal ideation, couldn’t get out of bed, etc. I began an antidepressant, which made me feel amazing for a few weeks and on top of the world. I spent money I didn’t have.

I repeated this process three times until I finally got so bad with depression that I consulted a psychiatrist and did extensive evaluations. They determined that I had Bipolar type 2. Tracing back my life experiences to around the age of 18, I realized I had been suffering from it for years and did not recognize the pattern.

Romantic relationships have been a challenge. For my social life, it has really impacted the way I’m able to show up in my friend groups and only a few people know that I have bipolar disorder because I’m fearful of the stigma. Some weeks I am doing everything with everyone, and other weeks I feel if I were to drop of the face of the earth, no one would miss me. For work, it really kills my motivation, but during hypomania I am a powerhouse and have tons of creativity.

My family were surprised by my diagnosis, but many people in my immediate family have mental illness. Most people don’t understand it- I stereotyped bipolar people before I was diagnosed with the condition and actually learned what it was. The biggest struggle has been getting people to understand that I cannot snap out of it, and that some days I just literally cannot do anything and it’s not because I’m lazy.

I wish people knew how much effort bipolar people have to go through to be their best selves. I wish people did not use phrases like, “I’m so OCD” or, “Yeah I think she’s bipolar because she’s crazy,” or, “The weather is so bipolar”. It’s invalidating and it isolates those of us who do have those diagnoses even more. We are human, and what we need most is love, empathy, and care.

The best thing we can do to help ourselves on this journey is have grace for ourselves, while simultaneously taking responsibility and ‘parenting’ ourselves. This means setting boundaries with ourselves as a way to protect ourselves. “You need to go to the gym or go for a walk at least for 30 minutes.” “You need to get coffee with that friend even if you don’t feel like it”. These little boundaries with ourselves keep us in the healing process and are so important. Medicine alone isn’t enough- coping is a holistic thing and taking care of our bodies makes it easier for our minds.