“People make a few negative assumptions when they hear the word ‘psychosis’.”

I was 19 when I first went to a doctor, but that was for my bulimia and to be honest I was totally dismissed and invalidated by said doctor. It was a year later after I’d gotten very ill with my eating disorder and got hospitalised that the psychosis was noticed. Looking back I think I had my first delusion at 16, and the hallucinations started at maybe 18, but for some reason no one really picked up on it until I was under medical supervision for the bulimia.

I’m currently on medication but I do still get ‘breakthrough symptoms’. I hear a voice fairly consistently, I’ve called him Nigel and when I’m not ill he is just sort of there as a sarcastic narrator of my life. When I am ill though he gives me instructions and judges things around me, when I’m ill I believe he is not only real but essentially my boss or my handler and that I am on a secret mission to save the world- the exact details of the mission vary.

When I am properly ill there are other voices too and both visual and tactile hallucinations on top of the auditory ones. I also experience delusions, but when I’m on meds these are greatly reduced.

On meds it’s like there’s are two worlds or two realities fighting for my attention, but I can usually sort of pick this one to live in and can rationalise the other one away. When I’m ill though, the other reality takes over and this one is the unreal one, everyone is lying to me, trying to gaslight me into thinking I’m ill, trying to sabotage the mission.

My usual delusions are ones of grandeur where I am either not human or have some sort of special powers, and it’s my job to save the world. I do also get somatic delusions though where I believe that there are tracking devices inside my body or that my organs are dying.

I also get manic episodes, these are also lessened on meds. I now only get hypomania where I will volunteer for a million things, spend too much money, not sleep, and start a million projects, only to crash a few weeks later. But I used to get manic episodes where I would do things like fly to another country with no luggage or anywhere to stay, have sex with basically anyone, empty my bank account and give it all away, and other such things.

Beyond that, there’s some cognitive stuff like my brain ‘picking’ the wrong word when I’m speaking, some memory issues, brain fog and blunted affect (not really outwardly displaying emotion).

It’s definitely affected relationships and work/education. I first got ill when I was at uni, I was studying biomedical science (neuroscience) with the plan of doing graduate medicine afterwards. I ended up first getting ill during biomed, but somehow managed to finish.

However a few months into graduate medicine, my illness got to point where I had to bow out. I always placed to go back but due to both my illness and my inability to hold down a job, it never happened. So spoiler: I’m not a doctor.

On average my jobs only last a few months before I get ill. I’ve changed career often, moved cities often, though part of that may be due to my ADHD a big part of it is due to my general instability.

A lot of friendships have been ruined by it too. I think a lot of people struggle with the realities of mental illness and basically can’t cope. In other cases I’ve burnt bridges with my behaviour, which although yes often down to my illness has sometimes crossed lines. Stigma has also lost me a few friends. People make a few negative assumptions when they hear the word ‘psychosis’.

I’ve had more one night stands (during manic episodes I have a lot of these) than actual romantic relationships. To be honest relationship-wise I don’t always have the best of taste, I seem to end up with partners who are also ill and our illnesses will bounce off one another in a way that makes us both more ill. My current partner is the exception, he is not ill himself, but also doesn’t fully understand mental illness, so it’s been one heck of a learning curve for both of us.

I am now studying forensic psychology with the Open University, so I have managed to return to education. I’m doing it incredibly slowly though, my degree is likely to take about six years. In part due to money, and in part due to the fact I have got to pace myself so as not to get overwhelmed or take on more than I can manage. That’s always going to be playing on my mind in case I get ill.

Diagnosis was a long process to be honest. I went through a lot of different diagnoses before they found one that sort of fit. At first they thought it was all a form of anxiety, then a mix of anxiety and depression, then delusional disorder, a few different personality disorders, then bipolar, and then finally schizoaffective. A lot of that time of my life is a bit unclear in my memories to be honest. I’m not great at timelines or the chronology of my 20s. I probably didn’t help by moving home, and so changing teams, fairly regularly. Even now my diagnosis is often questioned.

Treatment wise only really been offered medication, and it’s been a long journey finding a combination that helps without serious side effects.

Back before I got my diagnosis I did have a few forms of therapy, I don’t remember them all that well and don’t think they really helped. The professionals back then were also obsessed with finding a trauma that could have caused my symptoms. The professionals are doing that again a bit now to be honest. They can’t seemingly accept that my illness isn’t trauma based. I recently started occupational therapy, but it’s taken a very long time to get and as I’m right at the start of it not sure how much it will help as yet.

When it comes to things that help with psychosis, it’s one of those ‘different for everyone’ things I think. I have found speaking to others who also experience it helpful though, I started a podcast last year where I’ve been interviewing people about their experiences and it’s really helped me. It’s also good to know your red flags and have things in place so help before insight is lost.

Reality checking is also a skill that needs to be exercised, it’s really not easy. Definitely not as easy as the CMHT (Community Mental Health Team) seem to imply. I’ve found a few phone apps that help me, like I’ll use the camera on my phone to look at things as I’ve discovered that my hallucinations don’t show up on the screen, and I use a sound wave app to check if noises are real.

Delusions are far harder. Once they are fixed they can be really hard to shift. It’s good to have some trusted people who won’t push too hard, but who can gently question the thoughts, or at least prevent any dangerous actions.

Overall I think finding people you can be open and honest with is the greatest help. Psychosis can be terrifying and lonely, you feel separate from everyone else and it’s a very confusing and stressful experience. Having people who you can still speak to, and at times can look out for you and know when to call in the professionals, can be invaluable.