“It’s been a tough, constant cycle of self loathing and contempt I have for myself.”

Looking back to when my BPD symptoms first started, I can recall always feeling like an outsider at school. But back then I didn’t really understand mental health. I think around my teenage years, I personally started questioning myself. If I was a terrible son, if I couldn’t really make friends because I didn’t fit in etc. As a child, I had behavioural issues with my parents because of something that happened. I think when your own parent hurts you, and you’re dependent on their trust, that really has a lasting impact on you. The first noticeable sign or symptom for me that there was a problem was probably when I began self harming as a teenager.

I’ve had a few diagnoses over the decades. In 2000 I was sectioned after a suicide attempt. I was diagnosed with depression and adjustment disorder. Throughout 2000 to 2010 I was in an out of Community Mental Health Teams (CMHTs) but was known as being behaviourally difficult. At some point in the 2010s I had notes on my record that suggested ‘personality disorder NOS’ (Not Otherwise Specified). 

In 2021 I did a MCMI (Million Clinicial Mutiaxial Inventory) testing and an autism test by a psychologist who I was seeing at the time. The test results showed scales highest in Borderline Personality Disorder, Avoidant Personality Disorder, and Dependent Personality Disorder. The autism test showed no significant signs of autism.

In 2023 I was formally diagnosed by a psychiatrist following treatment in Structured Clinical Management (SCM), which I was unfortunately banned from for behaviour issues. The formal diagnoses I have are Emotionally Unstable Personality Disorder (EUPD/BPD), Mixed Personality Disorder and recurrent depressive disorder.

I felt like a part of me knew I would be seen as having a personality disorder. I was really worried that I might have had NPD. I feel the label of BPD is somewhat unhelpful, as it’s actually limited me getting treatment as many as many services do not have training for personality disorders in my part of the UK.

In terms of treatment, after what happened in 2000, I was sectioned to a mental health hospital in London but was then discharged to the university mental health professionals. I had to leave university on mitigating circumstances and was referred to a local CMHT. The CMHT offered counselling and I was also put on anti-depressants.

Due to behaviour issues with my Community Psychiatric Nurse (CPN), I had to leave the CMHT. I would later return to the CMHT. Treatment over the decades consisted of having a community outreach worker to help improve my social confidence, and I was registered with something they call the Recovery College here in England. I was referred to IAPTs (Improving Access to Psychological Therapy Services) but this I found unhelpful. 

I was eventually referred to a psychologist from an IAPT and was given a crash course in DBT. This was helpful. Then after moving area and registering with a new CMHT, I was put forward for SCM (Structured Clinical Management) which at the time was a pilot for a new DBT-based therapy on the NHS.

SCM was a disaster as I had several behaviour issues and was thrown out for anger issues with the therapists. I later had CBT, but this was cancelled early as the therapist didn’t feel she could help me with emotional regulation. I’m now currently on the waiting list for another therapy depending on what is available.

In terms of behaviour issues, I think this stems from when I’ve been triggered. I usually struggle to process a sense of injustice- being treated unfairly, seeing others treated unfairly, etc. When triggered, I would often respond with anger. I feel there’s a perception that people with BPD are angry for no reason but for me, it was a case I was angry at things that were not right.

I remember struggling to be taken seriously by mental health services between 2000 and 2010 and I would often get frustrated to the point of anger. Once I threatened to self harm on the spot in front of a mental health professional if they didn’t take me seriously. I know that this may be seen as ‘manipulative’ but I remember feeling at the time that I was being pushed to the point where I wasn’t being listened to and felt like I had to constantly prove that what I was struggling with was real.

That was perhaps the most memorable time I lost my temper. Otherwise when I lose my temper when frustrated I would often talk without a filter – telling things exactly how I see them in the emotional state I was in. If I saw something I felt wasn’t right, my temper might spill over in frustration. This is not because I am malicious but because I care passionately about things. 

What I will say though is that sometimes I can and do overreact. Not because I want conflict but because I care too much. Sometimes in retrospect I do feel like getting angry and frustrated isn’t the best way of dealing with things. We all make mistakes and I think we have to acknowledge them and take accountability for our actions if we overreact at times. But again the perception is with BPD people are reactive for no reason at all. Sometimes the things that trigger me are seen as trivial to others, but to me if I care deeply about something, there’s a chance there may be an emotional reaction.

I think most of my anger has been directed inwards towards myself over the years. I often blame myself when I am struggling. Self harm became a way of punishing myself and then I would mentally torment myself afterwards, telling myself I was being selfish for doing what is seen as ‘attention seeking’ behaviour. It’s been a tough, constant cycle of self loathing and contempt I have for myself.

My BPD has impacted severely on my relationships. I couldn’t tell my own mother (who was dying) a few years back that I loved her, because I struggle to forgive the hurt I felt. I cannot feel comfortable around my father.

I have had several quick and tumultuous relationships over the years. I am married now and my partner has had to put up with my crazy mood swings at times, and sometimes our rows have been very fiery. When I told my wife about having BPD, she was initially worried, but thankfully my partner and I have survived the hard times and I feel I am safe around her.

As for work, historically I have struggled to hold down any job I have had. I’m currently in danger of losing my current job after emotional outbursts towards my boss. But I have got a mental health service helping work to understand my condition. But I feel bad, as I feel like I should be able to better control my emotions and feel guilty when they get the better of me.

Most people at work know I have a personality disorder as I overshare. I think they see me as someone unpredictable, and I often find they make unfair assumptions about me. Like if I get annoyed, I’m seen as having ‘BPD rage’ when actually, I’m not overreacting and my emotions are valid. Most people do not want anything to do with me when they know my struggles. I have only my wife and my cat and one old friend. That’s it.

There are things that help me though. My cat… I love cats, and feel like I have so much love to give to them. I think learning to be more open with my feelings has helped me, too.

Hobbies that help me feel happy include board games – I am actually part of a local games group. I enjoy video games as well. I am highly social, despite being anxious at times, so I do like interacting with people that I trust or feel safe around. Daoism has really helped my mentality too. I am far from perfect, but I try to remind myself of this philosophy when I feel emotionally tilted.

Music is the biggest one when it comes to things that help me, though. I’m a metal head- metal music doesn’t sugar coat suffering. It tells it exactly how it is. It’s real, and I feel it on a deep level.

As for how I see myself… I struggle with self-compassion. I feel there’s a darkness in me that wants chaos to consume me and to allow suffering. This darkness in me holds me back, is very defensive and basically wants me dead. But I also see in myself a part of me that wants to heal my inner child, to love myself. Living with this duality within me is an exhausting rollercoaster at times.

The advice I would give to someone struggling with BPD is that what they struggle through and experience is real. It’s meaningful. It’s important and they matter. They deserve love. They deserve to be seen. If you struggle getting treatment, keep fighting to get yourself the support you deserve, whether that’s through mental health services, or through peer support. People might not have the answers, but may be able to help you find your own truth and answers, and offer support from different perspectives and ideas that may be helpful.