“I’ve exploded throughout my life on loved ones, friends and family, and unleashed horrible rants that can’t be undone.”

I’ve always gotten into trouble and had ups and downs since I was a kid; self harm since middle school, Oppositional Defiant Disorder and bouts of rage. But after my mom died when I was 29 (five years ago), I thought I might have developed autistic traits- extreme sensory overload, agitation, obsessions and constant listing followed by depression and then mixed state.

Things peaked when I almost got divorced from my wife and my marriage counselor told me I needed a psychiatrist. I’d get arguments playing out in my head incessantly, I felt constant hatred towards people, experienced horrible anger and impatience, and delusions about being exploited. 

I thought the neighbour’s repair man (who accidentally came to my house) was trying to rob me. I made him give me his driver’s licence, took a picture and said,”If anything happens to my house, I have your address now.” Another time I was passing people on the road and I blocked a two-lane road and got out. The trouble is that it all feels so normal and justified in the moment.

Socially I am extremely disadvantaged, because this is where my symptoms wreak the most havoc. Humans make me suicidal when I’m manic.  Interacting, even with strangers, is extremely hard. Seeing someone’s face, having to talk, having to listen- all the while I’m masking and picturing myself wanting to blow my own head off while smiling and talking peppy. I told my therapist I cry every morning on the way to a job I love.

I have gotten into work conflicts and I’ve exploded throughout my life on loved ones, friends and family, and unleashed horrible rants that can’t be undone. My main thing is the mixed states, and I am getting some relief from Vraylar. I relapsed and just upped my dose.

The awareness around being bipolar has been helpful- for me, anyway.  I’m super lucky with the therapists I’ve had. I’ve had two therapists and two psychiatrists diagnose me, but my current psychiatrist and therapist have to remind me over and over that I’m mentally ill, because I still often have diagnosis rejection.

I got my diagnosis after I got into a fight with my wife after a week of fighting with friends over stuff that just made no sense. I blacked out and my friends took me to the ER where they put me on Lexapro. From there it’s everyone’s favourite story- euphoric mania for two months, then Abilify. Mania isn’t all bad, though. I have a PhD which the mania helped me get, I’m convinced.

What would my life be like without the bipolar? It’s a hard question I cannot answer. I’m me, and all I have to be able to understand myself is hindsight. So I don’t know how things would be if I wasn’t me, bipolar included.

There’s definitely still a stigma around Bipolar Disorder. Nobody really gets it, and every explanation leads to invalidating responses from the listener. I told a friend I was having intrusive, suicidal thoughts and it didn’t go over well at all. Family have been kind, even the members that don’t fully understand. The online community and my bipolar alias account have been extremely comforting.

The biggest annoyance is the, ‘You have to be awake a full week or you’re not actually bipolar’ misconception. People, especially armchair experts, who don’t interact with the bipolar community themselves say a lot of invalidating things, and don’t understand what it’s like to live with, especially mixed state.

I wish people knew that I’m struggling. I’d ask them to please be nice to me, and to know that I’m sorry for being irritable. It’s like that Phoenix song: “If I ever feel better, remind me to spend some good time with you.”