“I find it very hard to get close to people as I cannot trust that they don’t secretly have bad intentions.”

My symptoms of Schizotypal Personality Disorder are mainly along the lines of magical thinking, strange ideas of reference, odd beliefs, perceptual disturbances, paranoid social anxiety and transient psychosis. Odd beliefs are probably my most prominent symptom.

I got diagnosed when I was 19 due to a psychotic episode I had. My psychiatrist originally thought I had schizoaffective disorder due to my psychosis being more frequent than most people with STPD, but when I went in for a formal diagnosis I ended up getting diagnosed with Schizotypal Personality Disorder.

My condition affects my daily life in a multitude of ways, mostly due to my paranoid social anxiety and odd beliefs. I find it very difficult to talk to people. Not only do I just not like people in general, but being around them makes me deeply uncomfortable and nervous. I haven’t been able to get a job due to this.

Having odd beliefs- like thinking I’m in a video game and that gematria and numerology are the keys to unlocking the secrets of life- tends to cause me a lot of trouble, as I don’t really have a filter when it comes to sharing these ideas with people.

STPD affects me quite strongly. I find it very hard to get close to people as I cannot trust that they don’t secretly have bad intentions, or that they don’t think badly of me underneath a mask of kindness. Also just being a weird person in general makes people not very interested in forming relationships with me in the first place.

I have a small circle of friends, including my partner, but I’m only really close to my partner. The rest of them are nice enough but I would more consider them close acquaintances than anything else. I can’t get further than that point. Not only because I don’t trust them, but even if I did, it’s very hard for me to make conversation, which is not conducive to getting closer to people. I mainly just stay in the background and let other people do the talking whenever we hang out. I honestly kind of prefer it this way. It would make me too anxious to have too many people close to me.

I met my partner in high school. We were both weird autistic kids who didn’t really understand how to successfully communicate with other people. We hit it off right away. I couldn’t understand why people didn’t think they (it/they pronouns) were the coolest person ever. It is a lot more extroverted than me and it was at that point too, but it was still pretty awkward and didn’t understand how neurotypicals are supposed to interact with people.

I could definitely relate on that point. When I got diagnosed with STPD, I told them right away. We were already dating at that point, and I knew it had BPD, so I wasn’t worried about any potential consequences of disclosing this information.

There have definitely been some challenges because of my personality disorder. When I was unmedicated, I became very distant even from them. It became very hard for me to show affection in any way. I definitely still have that particular problem, but I’m not as distant anymore I think.

It ended up becoming very worried about me when I was having psychosis, which put a major strain on our relationship. I didn’t think the worry was warranted (though in hindsight it definitely was), so I started growing a bit resentful of them.

When I’m in psychosis, it’s easy for me to become convinced that my problems are less than they actually are, so I thought it was just being a nag and a worrywart. I couldn’t even tell how distant I had become, even though I was at a point where I was only talking to them once every few days and seeing them once every few weeks, as I kept cancelling plans to continue to indulge in rumination and strange thoughts. I’m in a lot better of a place in regards to that now. I text and call it every day and see it about once or twice a week usually.

The best aspects about being in a relationship where we both have a personality disorder is that we can both understand that our maladaptive behaviours are not the result of either of us just being a bad person, but because we have these patterns encoded into us by our trauma and family history of mental illness.

It feels very nice to be understood and have someone who doesn’t think I’m evil for not really caring about or liking other people, and doesn’t think I’m too weird to be around for having strange beliefs and superstitions. And I’m sure it’s nice for it to have someone who won’t blame it for its emotional outbursts or take it personally when it splits on me.

I’ve told my sister that we both have a personality disorder and her reaction was mostly neutral. She tends to take things in stride and not make judgements based on things people can’t control, which is nice.

My mom also knows, but her reaction was a little less good. She’d heard some misinformation about people with BPD being abusive, so she was worried when I told her about my partner’s diagnosis. But I educated her and she took the information pretty well.

The advice I would give to someone in a relationship with a person with a personality disorder is to do your research on the disorder, and be as understanding as possible. Know that it often stems from trauma/abuse, and they didn’t choose to be the way that they are. If they do something that hurts you, of course, you should tell them and work with them to help them not do it again, but by and large, you should just be kind and understanding of their symptoms.

But don’t start associating every bad thing they do with their disorder, that’s not only something that might make them resent you but it can often lead into the territory of excusing certain things just because you know where it stems from. People with personality disorders have the same capacity to be good people as anyone else, but they also have the same capacity for harm as anyone else. Don’t excuse bad behaviours because of their disorder, but also don’t blame them for simply showing symptoms. Those are two statements that can and should coexist.

I wish people would know that having a relationship where both people have a personality disorder doesn’t mean it’s automatically going to be an unhealthy relationship. We are just people trying to cope with the circumstances life has thrown at us, and our relationship shouldn’t be treated with such scepticism just because of that.

We have our rough moments, as anyone in a relationship does, but it’s very possible to have a healthy relationship when both people have a PD, and we have definitely achieved that. It’s also important for people to know, specifically in regards to BPD, that BPD is not an ‘abuser disorder’.

People with BPD are often treated as monsters for being emotionally unstable, but that’s not a fair assessment whatsoever. I’m very happy with my partner with BPD, and I wouldn’t change them for anything. It can be a challenge, but it’s one I’m very happy to take on.