“It’s like people lose patience with it and don’t understand how we aren’t ‘fixed’ yet.”

I wake up most mornings not knowing what mood I’m going to be in or how many times my moods will switch that day, although most days I will suffer with negative thoughts flying at me all day long; a long dull ache of nothingness, finding it hard to find joy in things or looking forward to plans.

I think I always have a baseline of depression hanging over me; it’s just that sometimes other symptoms can mask it. I often get overwhelmed with things, becoming agitated and feeling the need to spend time alone. I overthink everything, often going from one extreme to the other, always thinking the worst.

I suffer with sensory overload, especially noise- it’s like I hear it more, and it triggers me. It feels like I have too much noise going on inside my head and I can’t cope with the outside noise. It all gets too much. I often feel exhausted within myself, fighting paranoid thoughts, negative thinking and the suicidal voice that comes creeping in from time to time when the depression hits hard again.

I have always been a little on the wild side but my mental health took its turn for the worse in 2007 when I was 21 and I went through a very traumatic experience. It’s been nothing but up and (some major) downs since.

During 2020 my mental health started to decline again and I was very depressed and I was back on antidepressants which only seemed to make things worse. Then in 2021 I had two close family members diagnosed with cancer, which was a very stressful and upsetting for me and my family. It was then that my symptoms escalated into me not sleeping, having racing thoughts and pressured speech, and being very highly agitated to the point family members noticed.

It was then that I referred myself to the mental health team who initially didn’t take me seriously because of my cannabis use. It was only after I had a breakdown in front of the doctor that he then made a referral and someone finally spoke to me over the phone, only to be told I had to wait two months for a telephone assessment. I was so unwell and distraught that I rang the crisis line, thankfully someone listened and I met them in person the next day. At first I was diagnosed with severe depression, but I knew myself at that point it was so much more.

Finally, after getting a second opinion, I was diagnosed with cyclothymia and Borderline Personality Disorder. I was relieved to hear cyclothymia (mild bipolar) as Id been chasing it, but shocked with the BPD as I wasn’t expecting that.

It was only after reading and learning about the disorder that I’m starting to accept that is it the case, and slowly coming to terms with my diagnosis. I feel the mental health team could have done more initially- it was only because I pushed on that I got the correct help and medication (mood stabiliser). I even had to pay for private therapy, which I’ve been in for two years now.

By the time I was diagnosed most of my family, friends and work colleagues were aware I was very unwell. When I told my mum I had a form of bipolar, she said, “Well you have always been a bit of a Jean, ain’t ya,” (referring to Jean Slater from Eastenders, a character diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder). I don’t think my family fully understands what having bipolar means for me but my partner has been very supportive, although I think it’s been a learning curve for us all.

I do hold back from telling new people about my illness in fear of being judged. For example in my new workplace, I haven’t mentioned it as I feel it might have impacted on me getting the job, although I shouldn’t feel this way. I find it very hard fitting into a new job and to be honest I just take it day by day. I don’t have much confidence that I’ll stay in my current job as I’ve only been there three months and I’ve already asked to reduce my hours as I couldn’t cope.

When I wake up feeling that way, I ring in sick a lot. I’m not very reliable and my moods are unpredictable. There have been plenty of times I’ve been on shift and nearly walked out on the job then and there. It is very hard managing my mental health and holding down a job, I’m off sick a lot and have poor attendance. I just tell myself, “See how it goes.” I often wonder, is today the day I walk out? It’s upsetting for me because I feel I’m not capable of doing the normal things, like working overtime or working my way up in the job as I’m barley even capable of getting myself there for part time hours.

I’ve been on and off antidepressants for years but they only made me worse. Thankfully the anti-psychotic medication (Quetiapine) they prescribed me helps to stabilise moods so I can manage my symptoms better. It mainly helps me sleep because without it I struggle to stay asleep. That’s why for many years I’ve self medicated with cannabis, although I don’t think this is helping me in the long run, so I’m currently having help reducing it with the Renew service.

I feel talking (therapy) has helped me a lot in identifying my triggers and symptoms, and helped me to explore my own thoughts and behaviour. I’ve also done a coping with emotions course with the mental health service, which I found helpful. Other than that it’s just taking each day as it comes, always secretly praying that a depressive episode isn’t going to come back around but even worse this time. I often get scared for myself that one day I won’t manage being depressed anymore.

I wish people would be more understanding of any mental illness, in the same way they would with someone who is physically ill. I find people are ignorant towards the reality of mental illness and what it means for someone to battle with their minds each day. I found even the people who try and understand, don’t. For example if someone was diabetic and poorly in the January, then was poorly again in the September, they wouldn’t be met with the words, “Oh God are you still diabetic? I thought you would be well by now!” whereas with mental illness that’s how it feels. It’s like people lose patience with it and don’t understand how we aren’t ‘fixed’ yet.

As for the media, I feel it can be inconsistent with the information it gives out. Different websites tell you different things. I would encourage people to read books rather than the internet to educate themselves. I also feel BPD is portrayed in a bad light, making out people with it are violent and uncontrollable, when this isn’t the case. It feels like bipolar is the more acceptable illness nowadays, even though people still don’t understand the full extent of it, mistaking it to be like people on the TV.

I’d just like to say it’s been a very tough journey coming to terms with my mental health. Looking back there’s times I don’t recognise myself. I was impulsive and reckless, often making decisions I would later regret. I don’t know what’s harder; coping with aftermath of hypomanic episode is exhausting, knowing it was only myself that got me into this mess, or having to drag myself back out of that black hole depression sinks me into before it gets the better of me. Suffering with any mental illness is exhausting.